Falling out over money

[yello]

Short version: my wife gave her friend a lift to the airport. It's a 200km round trip taking the best part of 3 hours. She's picking her up again at 8am next Thursday, so a 6:00am start my for wife. Friend has not offered any petrol money. I'm kinda stunned by that. It's my wife's friend, none of my business really, but it doesn't sit easy with me.

Interesting other bits;
- friend said public transport to airport would have required a hotel stay, and taxis were too expensive,
- she didn't want to leave her own car in the airport car park because of the cost
- her bag was too big/heavy at check-in and some items had to be removed to avoid excess baggage changes

So obviously she does consider money, just seemingly not other people's.

Amusing aside; wife's friend has God big time and thanked the Lord for a safe journey (not the air crew!), on a previous journey she had forgotten her passport and a church friend of hers drove from Luton to Heathrow to deliver it to her. She's a genuine, kindly and gentle sort but praps not the sharpest tool in the box.

I've said to my wife that I think that she should ask for a petrol contribution. My wife wants to see if one is offered (I don't think it will be) but doesn't want to make an issue of it. It's my wife's friend so I'm not going to interfere.

I'd love to know what's going on in her head (i.e. wife's friend) Does her God-fearingness (and it's huge believe me, she blesses the Lord with a regularity) lead her to expect the kindness of strangers (and friends) Given the petrol situation, and her own mentions of cost, she must be aware. I'm truly baffled.

 

[PaulSB]

If someone was doing this for me I would give cash on the day. Your wife simply accepts with a "grateful thank you and there was no need."

Until the trip is completed you can't possibly know the outcome. Mountains and molehills come to mind at this point.

 

[yello]

Until the trip is completed you can't possibly know the outcome. Mountains and molehills come to mind at this point.

An element of that, true. Half the transaction is complete with no mention of 'seeing you right' next time. I'm one that looks down the road and I see no final payment being offered. I want to be wrong, believe me.

 

[Gwylan]

It involves people and they are an odd bunch.

 

[markemark]

It depends, different people value things differently. One party can have a lot more money than the other but maybe the support they give is also asymmetric. I wouldn’t need the money. Whether I’d expect it to be offered would depend on their circumstances but also who has done what for who in the past.

 

[Punkawallah]

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

 

[glasgowcyclist]

I suppose you'll have to wait and see if money or some other recompense is offered at the end. I'd be shocked if it isn't but perhaps she'll repay the favour when your wife needs a transfer to the airport and back, or it may even be that she's already done something for your wife and this lift is your wife paying her back.

 

[yello]

It involves people and they are an odd bunch.

Ain't that the truth - and I'm no exception!

I can be interested by the way other people think, how they see the world. How their background and beliefs etc come into play to form the opinions they hold and the way they act. For example in this case, I'm not a religious person but do admire the faith people can have, and their willingness to believe in something. I recognise the strength it gives them, and am envious to some degree. I'd not attempt to rob or denegrate. I can't be like that though. I cannot have those certainties (if that's what thay are) I'm intrigued more than critical.

 

[yello]

it may even be that she's already done something for your wife and this lift is your wife paying her back.

Good point. Not that I am aware of. They did weekly 'ride shares' to a local event (about 20km away) for a few months but no longer - maybe there's something from that. Maybe friend feels it was one-sided?? I'll ask.

 

[Bonefish Blues]

Good point. Not that I am aware of. They did weekly 'ride shares' to a local event (about 20km away) for a few months but no longer - maybe there's something from that. Maybe friend feels it was one-sided?? I'll ask.

It was all OK until those last two words 🤭

 

[DCLane]

I've given lifts but not asked for a contribution - and that's for church people a lot as SWMBO has asked me to help people she knows (she hates driving). Almost everyone offered something, not always monetary, rather than me ask.

And the ones who take and never give do that with everything and everyone. Church people included (SWMBO hosts a weekly church housegroup in our house although I don't join them).

You might find a meal arrived as thanks if she's struggling financially. Or nothing. And it'll tell you about her character.

 

[yello]

The ride share thing was 3 of them, and equal - so no leftover from that.

My wife says that they (wife and friend) had talked about a cafe/restaurant place, one that they'd both like to go to at some point. Perhaps friend is thinking of buying lunch as a thank you?? My wife is only guessing and doesn't know. That would be something, albeit not my (though, admittedly, nowt to do with me) preferred solution. Maybe friend doesn't like to reduce things to cash transactions, dunno. I know there are people like that, I get it. I can be like that too when a friendship has been established.

We'll see.

 

[yello]

Almost everyone offered something,

Tbh, that would be my modus operandi and expectation - my world as it were. Whether the offer is accepted or not then becomes a matter of choice.

if she's struggling financially

She might well be. It's obvious the trip is being done as cost effectively as poss (RyanAir rather than driving) so it is a consideration.

I just don't like the uncertainty. Tbh, I'd expected an offer of cash when my wife dropped friend off. The friend seemingly works by different rules and it's that that's caught me out methinks.

 

[nogoodnamesleft]

Re: OP's Question About Offering Petrol Contribution
I think a lot depends on the relationship. In some cases there is "swings and roundabouts" where one party makes contributions in other ways and long term things balance out. whereas with others things can be very one sided.

eg with one neighbout I've provided shed roofing (incl. spending an afternoon fitting it), all sorts of stuff. But then one summer tour the grass cutting person I'd arranged let me down and neighbour tried desperately to find somebody else then cut the grass himself (1 acre with a walk-behind), helps when I built a shed so over the years things work both ways and probably balance out (to an acceptable degree).

Maybe two-way relationships work beyond just financial payment, one party spending hours and hours doing something else - petrol isn't "payment" just part of the "balance.

But others can be "takers".

So a lot depends on the long term relationship so impossible to pass any sort of "view".

 

[yello]

The relationship hasn't really been long enough to establish a common operating procedure yet. This is uncharted territory that may well be navigated ok. I really hope so.

That's a pearl of a neighbour you have there btw! You've obviously gone above-and-beyond for them in their eyers.