Give me some dialogue from your day

[TVC]

Nick: She's a dog
Anne: Who is?
Nick: You are (laughs)
Anne: Says nothing, just throws a complete mug of hot tea over him.

Everyone else: Pftttt!!!!

For the record, both Anne and Nick are currently on written warnings for their behaviour. Should be interesting to see where this goes.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Nick: She's a dog
Anne: Who is?
Nick: You are (laughs)
Anne: Says nothing, just throws a complete mug of hot tea over him.

Everyone else: Pftttt!!!!

For the record, both Anne and Nick are currently on written warnings for their behaviour. Should be interesting to see where this goes.

Anne Diamond and Nick Owen, who'd have thought it?

 

[GrasB]

Person: Can I have the backup policy for these machines, thanks. Oh, by the end of the day please.
Me: Sure. I'll get on with it right away.

20 min later
Person: This isn't detailed enough. I need to know precise times & which file servers & tape drives are involved. If it's done manually or automatically.
Me: No problem. I'll write up the procedure for you.
Person: I want the policy not the procedure.
Me: You have the policy.
Person: All I have is the frequency & type of the backup. I want the policy. *walks out the office*
Me: *sigh*…
Colleague: I think someone needs to learn the difference between a policy & procedure.

 

[gbb]

Two people today exhibiting the same irritating behaviour, telling you what you already know...
So i'm stood at a labelling machine, watching it, adjusting it so it works consistently. Ive been stood there 10 minutes doing it....it takes a while.
In walks the supervisor (not mine)...
him...'thats not putting the label in the right place'
Me....'i know, thats what i'm adjusting'
Him...'look, the reel is running to one side'
Me....'i know, once ive adjusted it up, it won't any more'
He slopes off, probably full of self importance, thinking he's justified his existence for the day...while i'm thinking 'tw@t'

And all the time i'm stood there adjusting and re-adjusting, the guy on the end of the line keeps telling me occasional labels are in the wrong place...
Me..'i know.....i'm adjusting it

 

[Matthew_T]

Scene: End of a college day. Me and my friend Dan are the last ones in the computer room. We have another mate who just left, Lewis. We have been in the computer room all day and it was booked out to use for the whole week. Me and Dan decide to play a little game on Lewis so I give him his number (we are all friends).

Dan: Do you want me to ring him and pretend I am Ian (person who booked the room).
Me: Can you do his voice?
Dan: Yeah.

(Dan rings him) "Ring, Ring"....
Lewis: Hello?
Dan: Hi Lewis, its Ian. I was just wondering if anyone is still in the computer room? It has been booked out for the whole week but I need to know if anyone else wants to use it?
Lewis: Errrr, I dont know. Who is this?
Dan: Ian Williams.
Me: (Trying to control myself laughing so I go to the other side of the room).

Lewis: Well I have left the room and Dan and Matt are still in there.
Dan: Oh right, because someone else needs it.
Lewis: Errrrrr.....
Dan: I'm only joking Lewis. Its Dan.
Lewis: I thought it was a bit odd.
Dan: Yeah, I've got to go now because Matt has fallen on the floor laughing.
Lewis: Oh, Okay. Bye.
Dan: Bye.
___________________________________

Dan: What are you laughing at?
Me: He actually believed you were Ian!!!!
Dan: Yeah, hahaha.

Dan: Lets ring Jason now....

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

He was running up the path this time towards the back door...perhaps it's time to 'sort him out'. (reluctantly i might add, but can't have him getting in the house.)

Get some bird feeders, we had a family of mice that lived in our back garden for years, and they never needed to enter the house, they had all they needed from all the bird seed that landed on the ground.

Eventually a rat appeared and either killed them or drove the poor things away, but that wasn't anything to do with the bird seed, that was because we had a compost heap.

 

[Mr Phoebus]

A woman was chatting about all the rambling/walking she does.

Her: "I've just gone and ordered another Burger jacket."
Me: *after a pause* "Ah, you mean a Berghaus (berg house) jacket?"
Her: No, it's a Burger!"
Me: "Is it spelt B-E-R-G-H-A-U-S?"
Her: "Yes, that's right!"
Me: It is a Berghaus (Berg house) then.
Her: NO! IT'S A BURGER!
Me: OK, then. My mistake.

 

[Globalti]

Queen Edna my Nigerian visitor, regarding the murky water in Salford docks: "Can you swim?"
Self: "Yes, can you?"
QE: "No, I am afraid of the water."

Short contemplative silence.

QE: "This euthanasia: how do they kill them? Do they throw them in the water?"

 

[Andy_R]

At a school in County Durham, 3 of us instructors about to start afternoon session. Young girl (from one of my groups) runs up

YG: Do you like XXXX?
Me (XXXX is standing next to me): Um, yes, we all get on.

YG then asks YYYY same question, and gets same reply.

YG:Oh, cos we were talking, and we don't.

Silence.

Me and YYYY look at XXXX with slightly strained expressions

YG runs off

XXXX: That was random.
Me: Wasn't it.
YYYY snorting with badly restained laughter

 

[Dogberry]

" The gooseneck is guaranteed to get compliance and all resistance will stop "

 

[Pat "5mph"]

Lbs man: hallo, Pat, how are you, lovely weather, what can I do for you?
Me: I would like 2 inner tubes to fit tires 26x1.95 with p*****e protection, please
Lbs man:
Me: yes, because I used the ones John (lbs man N.2) sold me a while ago, had to change both front and rear.
Lbs man: .... and is everything ok with the bike?
Me: well, I'll be taking it in for a service soon, I think the gear cable is frayed, I noticed while I was trying to adjust my front derailleur. Brakes are good, I've just changed the pads.
Lbs man:
Me: also I would like you to check the pressure of my rear tire, as I bought a new pump that says the tire is inflated to 60 psi, but it feels soft to me, maybe the pump's gauge is faulty.
Lbs man: you are learning about bikes!
Me: well, I've been reading this bike forum, it's a bunch of (mostly) guys taking about bikes, I can't really say much, but I've picked up a bit of knowledge reading the posts.
Lbs man: you, not say much???
Me: will you be coming to the bike show?
Lbs man: oh no, I have enough of looking at bikes in here, probably John will go. He's away racing today.
Me: racing? Yes! .... Pinarello, Bianchi, Campagnolo
Lbs man:

 

[subaqua]

them: we need the tech containment pricing urgently
me: i have the drawing but no schedule listing type and size so i can't finish it.
Them: can you give us a budget cost so we can let our Client know.
Me: yes when i get the schedule.
them: aaah so the schedule is important then?
Me: silently screams.

 

[Crackle]

Not strictly a conversation but.......

Me: texting on phone..."This chicken you bought isn't cooked. It's in a brown marinade."
.....a few minutes later....
Me: to self, "oh bugger"
Son2: What's up dad?
Me: "I've just sent that fuggin text about the chicken to Son no1's football coach instead of mum. Wait, I'll text him again."
Me: texting "Ooops sorry, wrong person. But......did anyone pick up a green hoodie?"
....Several hours later....
Coach: "yep, so and so has got it, will bring it with him on Wednesday"
Me: "Ah thanks. Chicken is cooked now :-) "
Coach: "Enjoy your chicken"

 

[gbb]

Me...'come and check this out !!!'....
as i'm feeling round a heater assembly on a machine that won't heat up properly. I can feel a light blast of compressed air leaking from a cylinder, blowing onto the heater that won't heat up properly.
The other guy spent 4.5 hours yesterday checking every electrical circuit, every relay, swapping the opposite heater with the dodgy one, checked circuit boards etc etc etc.
Air leaks aren't uncommon so he hadn't attached any importance to it. It was just unfortunate this leak was effectively cooling the heater down quicker than the supply could heat it up...RESULT.

Him..'4.5 hours i spent on that , i was so convinced it was an electrical problem'

 

[Speicher]

Not today, but a fortnight ago

My brother: Can you find me a nightie please?
Me: A long one or a short one?