Give me some dialogue from your day

[Katherine]

5 year old child that I support in class: Miss, stop drawing that weird cow!
Me: It's meant to be a sheep!

 

[perplexed]

*Context* Mrs P has a new car, one with a built-in sat-nav.

Mrs P: 'What happens when they change the roads, how do I update it?'

Me: 'Not sure, but I assume it has a card which you take out and bung in the computer'

Mrs P: 'What, you mean an STD card...?'

 

[Profpointy]

Just got off train, reached ticket barrier with several hundred other commuters.
Took season ticket smart card from wallet, swiped it.
Barrier didn’t open.
Swiped it again.
Barrier didn’t open.
Sighed. Held up card in front of me and waited for barrier check guy. Big queue behind me.
“That’s never going to work”, he said.
“What?"
“It’s a Tesco clubcard”.

I had a very similar experience with my Oyster card nor working. Thankfully I spotted it was a works canteen prepayment card before I started complaining to the person in the ticket booth

 

[Lullabelle]

We have 3 visitors today checking various equipment for insurance purposes. One of our colleagues P, an openly gay man just walked into the office:
P: blimey, can't believe we have 2 dishy guys turned up, now we have a third
Me: the first 2, 1 is ex-army and the other is ex-RAF
P; Wow, they have really made my day-can't stop looking at them 😍

Me: trollop

 

[gbb]

My wife read me a post her friends had shared on FB, it read...
'Your day is never a bad one when you come home to a dog'

A nice sentiment, not something I'd have thought or said but anyway...

My wife replied...quick as a flash...
'What ?..even if its sh@t on your floor ?'

 

[Starchivore]

"Stared at the interviewers' breasts for the duration of the session- that's inappropriate."

 

[Profpointy]

"Stared at the interviewers' breasts for the duration of the session- that's inappropriate."

Did he get the job?

 

[gbb]

Discussing former employment with a colleague...
Me...
Packhouse i worked in before this was a real difficult place to work but it rewarded really well, i still don't earn what i used to 10,15 years ago'
Colleague...
What did you leave for then ?'
Me...
'It wound up, went under'
Colleague...
'Why was that ?'
Me...
'They were paying key staff so much, when the business flattened out....they couldn't sustain it, the wage bill was so high '

 

[Ian H]

Not today, but recently, in conversation with an amateur malapropist friend who was getting irate about something: "Well, if that's the case then I'm a Bob's uncle!"

 

[perplexed]

Overheard in a department store yesterday. (Sadly, I couldn't see because of the displays...)

Woman: 'Put yer toupee on!'

Man: 'Why?'

Woman: 'Because it's cold outside'.

 

[gbb]

Breakdown renewal received, inevitable increase in cost despite no use of the service for 10 years, phone call made to Green Flag..
'I'd like NOT to renew my policy thanks'
'Can I ask your reason sir ?'
'We all know how it works, I will let it lapse a month, restart at a much lower cost thanks'...'the car is reliable and relatively new, I'm happy to take that risk'
'Ok sir, I will mark your policy not to be renewed'
Job done.

 

[Andy in Germany]

At lunch time today Elder Son had his Lovely Girlfriend, so unusually the female persons around the table were not outnumbered 2:1. Beautiful Daughter (four years old) remarked on this:

Beautiful Daughter: There's four guys and three girls today.
Beautiful Wife: That's true. How many more girls would we need for there to be more girls than boys here?
Beautiful Daughter: Umm... Twenty-Seven...

Not point in doing things by halves I guess.

 

[swee'pea99]

Little local shop run by a dour little eastern European guy - Polish would be my guess - but he wasn't there today.

Bloke in front of me: "You the cover for today?"
Bloke behind counter: "Yes - he's gone off to learn how to smile."

 

[Lullabelle]

Yesterday in the office

IM: we have visitors today, can you order lunch please we order on the day don't we

ME: no we always order the day before
IM: oh oh erm....can you sort something?
ME: I will see what I can do

 

[gbb]

5 grandkids round last night, the usual liveliness from all of them. Luke (5) saw my work radio and grabbed it..'what is this ?'
'It's a policeman's radio' I quipped.

I didnt put 2 and 2 together when my granddaughter (3) suddenly said..
'I been a good girl '
'You have darling '
'But I been a good girl '...and she's starting to get upset.
'What's the matter Imogen'
'I havnt been a bad girl, I been a good girl '

Cuddles all round , the mention of a policeman and she thought she was in trouble bless her.