Give me some dialogue from your day

[ComedyPilot]

Agent: The customer needs a cable for their machine, for the core loader
Me: There are 4 cables for the coreloader, can you get the customer to identify which of the 4 they need?
Agent: I was hoping you could confirm which they need.....
Me: So, you are in contact with the customer?
Agent: Yes
Me: And they have described which cable they need?
Agent: Yes
Me: So you need me to tell you which cable it is?
Agent: Yes
Me: Yet I have not been in contact with the customer?
Agent: No
Me: And the customer has not told me which cable it is.....
Agent: No
Me: Ok.........It's cable A
Agent:......are you sure?
Me: ......sigh.....[click, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

 

[ComedyPilot]

Him: No, I haven't been anywhere near the superstore this evening.

Me: So why have I seen CCTV footage of you running out with a box of Stella under your arm then ?

Him: Was it me ?

Me: Yes. And you've still got two bottles on you.

Him: Ooops.

Me: You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your etc.....

Him: I like Stella. They shouldn't put it near the door should they ?!

Reminds me of a case I dealt with:

Girl: I want to report my ex-boyfriend for assault. I was in the Cross Keys and he came up to me and hit me, then when I left the pub, he followed me out onto the street and punched me and did this [points to a swollen nose]

I get CCTV tape from the pub and from the council for the street outside.

Slightly surprised by the footage, I ask her to come to the staion to view it with me, and the following happens:

Me: Is this the pub?
Girl: Yes....... I didn't know they had CCTV
Me: Is that you [pointing to a girl that looks like her entering the pub]
Girl:.....yes
[Girl walks up to a man at the bar - pause]
Me: Is that your ex?
Girl: ......yes
[CCTV clearly shows girl sucker punch the man with a right to the head from behind]
Me: Is that you striking him?
Girl: It's not like it seems....he started it...he hit me in the street
Me: When did he do this?
Girl: After I left the pub
[CCTV shows door staff removing the girl kicking and struggling]
Me: So, this is you leaving?
Girl: Yes, the ****ing bouncers threw me out, and I'd done nuffink
[CCTV from street shows girl removed from premises, but hanging around outside. Man leaves pub 10 minutes later. CCTV shows girl running at him and hitting him numerous times to the head as he holds his hands up and tries to back away]
Me: Is this him starting it?
Girl: yes.....I didn't know they had cameras in the street
Me:...............hmmmmmmm...........he seems to be moving away, trying to stop you hitting him?
[CCTV shows man throw 1 punch as he is retreating - girl walks onto it and goes down clutching nose]
Girl: You see that, he hit me......!

Me: Sarge......can you step in the interview room please.........

 

[Arch]

Yes Nigel was kind of tall.

Yeah, I'm only 5' 3", he's bound to have been taller than that.

Plus he fell off a stately home, and I fell off a 12" warehouse truck wheel.

 

[colly]

Yeah, I'm only 5' 3", he's bound to have been taller than that.

Plus he fell off a stately home, and I fell off a 12" warehouse truck wheel.

I seem to recall that poor old Nige fell a bloody long way, His stately home must have been about 200 feet to the eaves.

 

[fimm]

Me: I'm a bit disappointed with this week's organic veg box, there's not much in it
Boyfriend: That's because we agreed that we'd get the small box [rather than the large one we usually get]
Me:

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Me: Cheapest pint I could find in Swindon was £5:80!

Him: Swindon!????

Me: doh Sweden...

 

[swee'pea99]

Me (holding out map): could you just point out where I am on this map...
Him: um....you're here... Lordship Lane.
Me: Bloody hell - what am I doing there? I'm supposed to be here...

 

[dellzeqq]

Mrs DZ 'D****, have you tidied your room?' (this, by the way, so that the cleaner can actually get past the door to do the real work....)
The Kid 'I'm in the bath'

in our house that's known as the 'rhetorical answer'

 

[meenaghman]

Me : (about house guest) So I've made dinner, tidied up after dinner, done dishes, pans, swept floor, 2 bloody hrs after a days work. I wouldn't mind but the house was a kip and looked like a bomb hit it.. I've managed to put some sort of shape on it... at least the girls helped a bit laying the table and doing a bit of veg and tidying up... even 7 yr old got drinks on the table.. but he didn't shift his arse to do anything...
Mrs M : that baby monitor is two way .. pointing to device..
Me : f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k ...
Mrs M: Gotcha :-)

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Me " hello again"
Dental nurse/ hygenist "weren't you here yesterday"
Me " I have a twin brother but he's married"
Dental nurse " Lay down in the chair and I'll be with you shortly"

 

[Cubist]

Me : (about house guest) So I've made dinner, tidied up after dinner, done dishes, pans, swept floor, 2 bloody hrs after a days work. I wouldn't mind but the house was a kip and looked like a bomb hit it.. I've managed to put some sort of shape on it... at least the girls helped a bit laying the table and doing a bit of veg and tidying up... even 7 yr old got drinks on the table.. but he didn't shift his arse to do anything...
Mrs M : that baby monitor is two way .. pointing to device..
Me : f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k ...
Mrs M: Gotcha :-)

Priceless!

 

[Cubist]

Mrs DZ 'D****, have you tidied your room?' (this, by the way, so that the cleaner can actually get past the door to do the real work....)
The Kid 'I'm in the bath'

in our house that's known as the 'rhetorical answer'

It's a kind of swerve with a decoy manoeuvre built in. They're pretty good at it, as they know the time lag taken for us to engage the grey matter whilst puzzling how this particular answer is relevant to the argument buys them valuable time for the next bamboozling salvo. We have it with
Me "Isn't it your turn to walk the dog?"
Offspring:" I walked her on Thursday" or "Yes, but it was netball last night."
Me "Ok........hang on though it's Sunday evening...."

 

[coffeejo]

On today's bike ride, waiting for everyone to regroup after a hill.

C: Did you pass Sue on your way up the hill?
D: Yes, she stopped in the gateway and took her top off... I mean her jacket.

 

[ColinJ]

[With a muhaha laugh, to a big spider at eye level on the landing wall]

"If you jump on my face as I walk by, you will be killed!"

 

[stargazer]

Examining bits from parents' broken laptop keyboard.

Me: <fiddle, fiddle> Dad, have you got any superglue?
Dad: Do you want it for that keyboard?
Me: No, I just thought I'd ask.
Me: Yes please for the keyboard

<Dad gets superglue>

Me: <fiddle, fiddle>
Dad: It wasn't glued before.
Me: It wasn't broken before.

Me: <glue. Fiddle, fiddle. Unstick>

Me: Sorry, I can't fix this.