Give me some dialogue from your day

[Lullabelle]

I have an ear infection and I saw my doc last Friday to get some eardrops.
This afternoon at work I turned my head in the direction of my colleague and noticed she was looking at me, her lips twitched then she said 'that answers that question then'

Me: sorry did you say something
Her: yes, i asked how your ear was
Me: erm.. still blocked

 

[slowwww]

Male colleague in our office who is in his late 40s, thinning hair, rather overweight, dresses like it's the 1990s, pretty much zero charisma has somehow formed the opinion that our very glamorous 22 year old new employee is interested in him (she's just incredibly friendly to everyone, and he's misinterpreted this)

Him : "I'm going to ask her out!"
Me: Spits coffee all over desk, snorting with laughter.
Him: "What??!!!! She's made it very apparent that she fancies me!"
Me: more coffee all over the desk.. "Mate, you're delusional"
Him: "Surely you've seen the way she flirts with me?!"
Me: “She’s just being friendly; that’s what she’s like. Doesn’t the fact that she likes One Direction and Olly Murrs give you some sense of her taste in men?”
Him: “She’s obviously reached the point when she wants someone with more maturity”
Me: “What, someone to remind her of her granddad?”
Him: “But those pop-stars are just boys!! She wants somebody with life experience, someone who’s seen the world, somebody who can hold a proper conversation!”
Me: “Yes, of course, because that’s why she’s got pictures of Alan Whicker and David Letterman on her desk……not!!”
Him: “You’re jealous!!”. Noticing that she’s just wandering off alone into the Kitchen “I’ll show you!!” and marches off after her
Me: “Mate!! Please don’t, it’s not going to go well!!”

2 minutes later, he returns sheepishly

Me: “So, where are you taking her, champ?!!”
Him: Mumbles something inaudible
Me: “So shall I put you down for a joint ticket for the Xmas party?!!”
Him: “Fcuk off”
Me: “So am I going to get an invite to the full wedding, or just the evening bash?
Him: “FCUK OFF!!”
Me : whistling the wedding march.........

Rather malicious, but I did try to warn him and the poor girl’s desperately embarrassed and confused too!

 

[jhawk]

Male colleague in our office who is in his late 40s, thinning hair, rather overweight, dresses like it's the 1990s, pretty much zero charisma has somehow formed the opinion that our very glamorous 22 year old new employee is interested in him (she's just incredibly friendly to everyone, and he's misinterpreted this)

Him : "I'm going to ask her out!"
Me: Spits coffee all over desk, snorting with laughter.
Him: "What??!!!! She's made it very apparent that she fancies me!"
Me: more coffee all over the desk.. "Mate, you're delusional"
Him: "Surely you've seen the way she flirts with me?!"
Me: “She’s just being friendly; that’s what she’s like. Doesn’t the fact that she likes One Direction and Olly Murrs give you some sense of her taste in men?”
Him: “She’s obviously reached the point when she wants someone with more maturity”
Me: “What, someone to remind her of her granddad?”
Him: “But those pop-stars are just boys!! She wants somebody with life experience, someone who’s seen the world, somebody who can hold a proper conversation!”
Me: “Yes, of course, because that’s why she’s got pictures of Alan Whicker and David Letterman on her desk……not!!”
Him: “You’re jealous!!”. Noticing that she’s just wandering off alone into the Kitchen “I’ll show you!!” and marches off after her
Me: “Mate!! Please don’t, it’s not going to go well!!”

2 minutes later, he returns sheepishly

Me: “So, where are you taking her, champ?!!”
Him: Mumbles something inaudible
Me: “So shall I put you down for a joint ticket for the Xmas party?!!”
Him: “Fcuk off”
Me: “So am I going to get an invite to the full wedding, or just the evening bash?
Him: “FCUK OFF!!”
Me : whistling the wedding march.........

Rather malicious, but I did try to warn him and the poor girl’s desperately embarrassed and confused too!

Brilliant.

 

[jhawk]

A friend and I are having a conversation.

"I have a question for you." - Then, before she can ask me whatever it is...

"I was young and needed the money."

"What?!"

"Oh... That wasn't what you were going to ask? My bad."

 

[stephec]

Earlier on tonight I'm walking round Tesco with my 12 year old girl and I stop for a chat with the nice lady in the opticians as I sometimes do.

For some reason tonight, quite unsolicited, she decides to offer me her name as Karen.

So we get home and -

Daughter: did you tell mam about Karen?
Me: no.
Why not?
It just didn't come up in conversation.
Oh, I'll have to make sure it does come up in conversation - she says with a giggle.

 

[Maverick Goose]

" Nobody puts Baby in a corner''
" Well they'd have to in this kitchen because there's nobody else to put her''....

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

At the hospital yesterday. My shoes are rather muddy.

Consultant looking at my hiking shoes: do you live on a farm?
My husband and I in synch: yes.
Consultant:

Technically it is a small holding but recently we have been asked this so many time because of either the state of our car or our footwear we have reached the conclusion it is better just to say yes.

 

[ColinJ]

Stepdaughter, on phone, sounding sombre: Hi Col! Just a quick call to tell you that I finally got my results from the university ...

ColinJ: Oh, about time too! Did you manage to get your II/I then?

SD: No. I was wrong when I said that I had done just enough to get a II/I if I did a really good project.

CJ: Oh, never mind, love. So, you got a II/II?

SD: I'm afraid that I didn't manage to get a II/II either!

CJ (very disappointed, but trying not to sound it!): You did pass though, didn't you?

SD: Yeah, I did, but I only managed to get a ... FIRST! I got 91% on the project and it lifted my average to over 80%.

CJ: YAY!

 

[jhawk]

Dad: "So, how much did they pay you to do Game of Thrones?" (Referring to my lack of height and the dwarf character.)

Me: "Fark off! They paid me lots, and you're getting none of it!

 

[Dave 123]

Mrs Dave walked through the door a few mins ago picks up the home phone and dials.... Her mobile goes off in her bag.

She goes to her bag and gets mobile and looks at it "Did you just ring me?" She asks

"What? Are you really that stupid?" I reply

"....... Oh, hahaha!"

She's a quality eeejit!

 

[jhawk]

Dad: "And just remember-"

Me: "You gave me life and everyday you let me keep it, I know! "

 

[fimm]

I'm tidying up the washing up which, as usual, has been left to dry overnight.
Me, putting something back on the washing up pile: Yeuch, reject...
Boyfriend, assuming I'm critcising his washing up: Oh, humpf.
Me: You're OK, I washed up yesterday...

 

[fimm]

Me, to colleague, who has been asking me stuff: "Come back and interupt me if you need to, I'm only doing X, which has grown more arms and legs than a room full of spiders..."
Colleague: "A room full of spiders, I like that... you'd have my daughters running from the room at this point, they don't like spiders..."

 

[Ganymede]

Mr G is convinced that there is something we've left off the shopping list.

Me: Household?
Him: No
Me: you sure, looroll, kitchen roll, kitchen paper of some sort,
Him: No
Me (going round the Co-op in my head): ham, cheese, milk, butter oh no that's on the list already, BISCUITS!, no, pickles, tinned tomatoes, rice, no, sugar, BEER oh no you've got beer, hang on, tea, coffee, jam,...
Him (kindly): you know, this isn't really helping...
Me: I don't care, I'm rather enjoying myself now, cereal, cake, tissues, flour, mustard, lard
Him: LARD!!!!!!
*Mr and Mrs G collapse in triumphant heap*

(It's for the coldwater crust for the Christmas raised pie so it is Very Important.)

 

[IDMark2]

Phone rings...it's MrsD.. phoning from a shop I think, lots of hubbub in background..

MrsD: Do you want roasted robin or penguin?
Me: What?
MrsD: Robin or Penguin, what do you reckon?
Me, a bit flustered: I don't understand you...where are you?
MrsD: The RSPB shop.
Me, seriously confused at first... but the penny is dropping that I might be getting wound up: So, the RSPB sells roasted Robins or Penguins? What are you on? Where are you really, wind up merchant..?
MrsD: NO, you plank, RACING...RACING Robins or Penguins..Toy ones, wind up ones, in a set of crackers...
Me: Oh... Actually when I thought it was roasted ones I was going with the Penguins, they must be much bigger...