Give me some dialogue from your day

[gbb]

Working with east europeans etc has its highs and lows...some of the last few days interactions and observations..
walking back to my workshop. A Portugese and an Italian are stood jabbering at each other...
'No, you no understand '
thereply. ?
'no...YOU no understand
and the first one replies back.....
No, you no understand' ....and so it carried on as i walked past .

another time...im working on a machine, the operator ask me if i can replace a missing knob ..
In a moment of sillyness I reply..
'i havnt got one, but seeing Its you i'll make you one out of wood....and bananas'
She had been listening intently...then burst into laughter.

Theres a problem looming, the predominantly e european staff in one part of the factory keep breaking the locks, losing the keys and locks, all to give them access to controls of some equipment. The H&S officer wants this to stop, Line supervisors have the key, they are supposed to manage It but seem unable to do so.
I was approached by someone senior but sympathetic to us, and was told the line supervisors have suggested (almost demanded) the engineers (us) will have to have the keys and control it and that means we will have to work ALL weekend, instead of just the morning...
.my reply...
'well you can tell whoever said that, they can go f**k themselves...if they think im working all weekend because they cant manage their people, theyve got another thing coming'

I enter the canteen...its after normal break time but we dont adhere to thqt, we take one according to the workload. The cleaners are usually up there while Its quiet and barrack me for interrupting their work...all In fun...
(in a strong Lithuanian accent)...
'Coleeen, i keel you' ' pointing to the floor shes just mopped...
I reply....'Heyyyy, engineer( pointing to myself).., emergency tea break'

 

[Maverick Goose]

Mum trying to corral kids on a chilly Orrest Head while taking a photo; ''Everybody smile!''
Frozen small child: '' WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''!!
Kids shuffle into penguin chick style huddle...
Mum [as she takes photo]:'' This'll be one for the album''!
She takes the photo...
Mum: ''Let's all go and have something to eat!''
They all troop back down the hill towards Windermere...

 

[jhawk]

Dad puts the following post on Facebook.

"More snow! Woohoo!"

One of his friends comments:

"I take it you don't have to shovel this sh!t"

I interject:

"No, he doesn't. I do. Something about "giving me life".

Dad fires back with:

"And letting you keep it, everyday. Don't forget that part. "

 

[gbb]

'Happy Birthday mum '
She's 85 today, still in quite good health, legs are getting a bit weak but otherwise all good. Its her first birthday alone since dad passed late last year and the wife and I were determined she wouldn't spent it on her own.
So, dinner at ours, a lazy afternoon watching TV and chatting, then I took her off to bingo, she'll taxi back to hers later.
85...I hope i'm as fit and well as she is when I get there.

 

[Lullabelle]

This morning at work:

My boss: after lunch can we look at ........
Me: I am not here this afternoon
My boss: ok tomorrow morning
Me: I am not here tomorrow morning
My boss: oh erm yes I did write that in my diary, ok, tomorrow afternoon then
Me: yes fine

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

Me: you didn't write toilet paper up.
Oh: it was still wet.
Me: toilet paper is not meant to be wet.
Oh: it would have been of I'd written it up.

We were discussing the fact that he hasn't written toilet paper up on the black board for the shopping list on Saturday. Context means everything.

 

[gbb]

Hanging doors for the first time, I found myself saying...
'Bugger, there's hinges in with the door furniture'..after I'd already brought some seperately.
'Noooo, hold it tighter'
'Hoho, I LIKE this planer'..brought it for the job, 10 doors to hang, probably never use it after. Boys toys n all that.
'Christ, this isnt doing my tennis elbow any good'
'Bugger, ive left my wood bits at work, I'll have to fit the latches tomorrow night'
'Thats it, ive had enough, 9.00pm...bath time'

Its going well....only 8 doors to go.

 

[jhawk]

Me: Dad, how's that ice cream?"

Newly-single Dad: "Mine."

 

[swee'pea99]

Round the dinner table...

Me: I've just started reading a really interesting book. It's a story, written in the first person, about an old woman who's basically losing it. She keeps forgetting where she is, or what she's doing...but it's cut with these clearly-recalled scenes from her distant past...then you come back to the present, and everything's sort of sliding away as she tries to get a grip on it. I thought it was a really interesting - and tricky - thing to decide to write about.
'er indores: There's a film about something like that out at the moment isn't there?
Me: Is there? I hadn't heard about it? Ring any bells? (Head-shaking all round.) What, about an old woman going gaga?
'er indores: Yes. She's got Alzheimers.
Me: What's it called?
'er indores: I can't remember.

General mirth. 'er indores looks baffled, then peeved. More mirth.

Me: Come on - you have to admit that's funny.

(Apparently not.)

 

[Saluki]

Me: 3 shampoos, 1 condition and 200ml of leave in conditioner
Customer: Hee hee, he was mucky :-)

2 hours later:
Me:After dematting and drying, I am just about ready to start styling. He was really knotted.
Cust: Awwww, bless his little cotton socks
Me: I have had to try to move my next appointment your dog is taking so long but the next client has decided to take her business elsewhere.
Cust: Tee Hee, she must be desperate to get her dogs hair cut
Me: There is an additional £20 charge to cover an hour's extra de-matting and brushing out
Customer:
Me:

I bet she never uses me again. To quote that woman on the telly. Face, Bovvered?

 

[vernon]

Me: 3 shampoos, 1 condition and 200ml of leave in conditioner
Customer: Hee hee, he was mucky :-)

2 hours later:
Me:After dematting and drying, I am just about ready to start styling. He was really knotted.
Cust: Awwww, bless his little cotton socks
Me: I have had to try to move my next appointment your dog is taking so long but the next client has decided to take her business elsewhere.
Cust: Tee Hee, she must be desperate to get her dogs hair cut
Me: There is an additional £20 charge to cover an hour's extra de-matting and brushing out
Customer:
Me:

I bet she never uses me again. To quote that woman on the telly. Face, Bovvered?

And what if she refused to pay the extra?

 

[Saluki]

And what if she refused to pay the extra?

She will have great difficulty finding a dog groomer to do her dog at a price she is willing to pay. We do all chat amongst ourselves you know. There is a 'blacklist'. Mostly consisting of vicious little s***bags and bad payers. You know the sort "That's £30 please" "I'm not paying as you have made my dog look like a poodle/cut him too short/left him too long/sliced his leg off".
We groomer types are a chatty bunch.

 

[Maverick Goose]

She will have great difficulty finding a dog groomer to do her dog at a price she is willing to pay. We do all chat amongst ourselves you know. There is a 'blacklist'. Mostly consisting of vicious little s***bags and bad payers. You know the sort "That's £30 please" "I'm not paying as you have made my dog look like a poodle/cut him too short/left him too long/sliced his leg off".
We groomer types are a chatty bunch.

WTG Saluki!

 

[gbb]

Forgot about this on Friday...
I'd been in the main offices of our fruit packing plant changing fluorescent tubes. I walked through one door, past the fruit juice sample fridges where stood three girls in a corner, one was heard to say...
'Looks like an old womans tits'...accompanied by some sniggering from the others.

I stopped dead...
'excuse me ??
They spun round, one was holding two navel oranges which have nipple like protrusions and each 'nipple' was all wrinkled. TBF, they DID look like old womans tits

 

[MossCommuter]

Man 1: "Gaz? What food is it?"
Man 2: "It's a carvery, Gaz, roast pork, beef or turkey"
Man 1: "What?! No Chicken"
Man 2: "No, pork, beef or turkey"
Man 1: "Oh my God! Don't they do normal food in here?"