Help Me Understand Generation Z!

[Arch]

1. He's our son, we can't/won't put him on the street.
2. He refuses to contribute anything on the rare occasions he has part time work.
3/4. He point blank refuses to help or contribute in any way, just takes, I don't like him anymore.

Sounds like he needs a point blank kick up the arse scare. Wait till he's out, change the locks, let him negociate a way back in.

Being a bit flaky is one thing. Refusing to contribute when asked is selfish and ungrateful, and he needs a metaphorical slap.

 

[shouldbeinbed]

I have a 25 year old son, who for a long time was like the OP's children, he's very practical but not hugely academically bright well according to the middle class teachers he wouldn't listen to at school. He's eventually come around & now works hard but is getting no where on minimum wage, can't afford his own place or even combined with his girlfriend. No idea if he will ever move out as I can't see anyway he can, I can't help him, it's all I can do to keep my head above the water. Only advice I can give to the OP is give them time & don't push too hard, family is for life & don't push them away.

Alan...

Much the same here but Son 1 (23) moved out and got his own rented flat with his GF, split up & lived on his own for a bit and is now living with his new GF - both working in the same place.

He's on a zero hours contract with a pub chain people like to rip the p*** out of on here, working loopy & largely unsocial hours: he can start at 4am some days and on others doesn't finish until 3am+ after the late night weekend opening - theres no continuity and he can be doing early starts and late finishes within the same week, he's expected to stay on to cover or to come in early on demand if others don't turn up, it can be 14+ hour days straight one week and practically no hours the next. He's got no stability nor continuity in his income, only in his bills & no chance of saving nor proving himself a worthy credit risk for home ownership.

He's always found himself work though & never been under any illusion that we could help him out siginficantly or that officialdom will assist him (quite the opposite in our experience and its getting worse), he's bumping along on the bottom without any help or support & I'm exceedingly proud of him but worry tremendously too.

He has served as an inspiration of sorts to son 2 (15) however who is academically brighter but still not an A* performer & did the bare minimum to get by whilst staying under the radar at school. I complimented him recently on the quality of his writing and homework improving and that several teachers had collared me to say there's been an upturn in his attitude & he's working much more to his potential now.

His reply was: ' I've seen D***** and the dead end job he has got and I don't want to be stuck with the same thing'
Not a lot I could say to that apart from explaining that he should be proud of his bro' for embracing concept of paid work however menial it may be seen by others.

 

[summerdays]

1. He's our son, we can't/won't put him on the street.
2. He refuses to contribute anything on the rare occasions he has part time work.
3/4. He point blank refuses to help or contribute in any way, just takes, I don't like him anymore.

Do you feed him or wash his clothes? I'm not sure I would bother - I have certainly threatened the not doing your washing though at the minute the middle one is stressing at A level so I'm letting it go, but if she wasn't doing that I wouldn't be doing her washing or feeding her (or if I did, I would make all the meals ones that she hates), eldest is at Uni currently and is a mixed up sort of half doing it herself, and half still relying on us. I don't mind, the slow break of the apron strings, nice to see her gaining her independence and sorting out most things but some important things are left to the last minute/us to sort out!!! And hasn't got the idea of budgeting worked out fully yet!!! (at least 2 new coats in the last few months!!!), I'm assuming that when the money starts to run out that she will get better at it! (To be fair she did get a Christmas job which used up alot of time when she could have been socializing and I guess that has funded the second coat).

They have been warned that we don't have to put up with them once they finish education!!!

 

[Andrew_P]

Don't know about Generation Z but I sat in a Starbucks on Saturday morning (forgive me father for I have sinned) and was surrounded by 30 something couples and families all engaged with technology not each other, made me a bit sad to be honest. Wonder if that's all they do at home, I love technology but wouldn't dream of all of us sitting there tapping a way on tablets and phones.

 

[Ganymede]

Hi delb0y and MarkF

I know a few people that age, and I have to say some are quite different. One (who went to secondary school, not even a comprehensive) is working hard in as a golf apprentice, spending most of his time working in the hospitality side of the business, long hours, anti-social, but in fact having a great time. One is caring for my parents, has just taken a job with training in a care home - she is bright, not particularly well-educated but energetic and dedicated and loves to care.

I know a few others who have been through the lying in bed stage and some who seem to be incapable of even trying to get a job, and I have to say that the difference is the level of comfort at home. The two I mention above are from lower-middle/skilled working class families whose parents (in both cases divorced) have had to work very hard at a variety of jobs and still do. The children both really needed the money, and needed to see an immediate future.

I think there is a bit of a problem with how comfortable life can be at home for a lot of late teens/early twenties. Life out there looks very hard - I'm willing to bet that your own GenZ-ers have poked their nose out of the door and are scared and horrified by what they see. They're not dumb but they're probably both well-cushioned AND terrified. Probably their best next step would be to go out and stack shelves (I did) but they've been conditioned by middle-class society and TV to feel that they don't need to. They also don't see a future in it - if you want to save monkeys in Indonesia, how would stacking shelves help you get there? And if your parents have a nice white collar job and provide all the grub, why should you have to get a sh*tty one at the same time?

NB please forgive if you feel I've made any unwarrented assumptions about anyone - I know we all want the best for our kids. This is all anecdote and speculation based only on people I've met myself.

 

[Dan B]

Look, guys: I'm 40 and you all sound like my Dad did when I was 16. This is not a "generational" thing

 

[steve52]

My eldest son is coming up to 20, never been to a nightclub, never read a newspaper, showed zero inclination to drive, never been abroad on his own. Just goes to college or stays in bed, it's incredible, he and his close friends have a massive virtual world but a really small r.e.a.l world. I'd ridden a moped to the south of France at 16, adult life opened up with transportation, it's very difficult for today's kids to get mobile, they stay kids longer. I've no idea what he'll do, he's training to be a dancer but has spent all his fees on "body art".

His 15 year old brother is the opposite, knows exactly what he wants to do and is working towards it, he reads a paper every day and has a much bigger world than his older brother, it's all a mystery to me.

Take the eldest to the vets. It's the kindest option in the long run

 

[Mr Haematocrit]

1. He's our son, we can't/won't put him on the street.
2. He refuses to contribute anything on the rare occasions he has part time work.
3/4. He point blank refuses to help or contribute in any way, just takes, I don't like him anymore.

1) The question should be is he willing to put himself on the streets, he has the ability to change his future and destiny ( see number 2: )
2) If he is not paying towards the house hold and still wants to live with you then all the chores become his responsibility (washing, ironing, shopping, cleaning etc) he must contribute in one way or another - ( see number 3)
3) You do an honest days work to put a roof over your families head and food on the table, if anyone at all disrespects your efforts and just takes they should not be welcome in your home imho. - You have a right to demand something in return for all you give in your relationships no matter if they are friendships, family, work or otherwise.

To be quite frank send your boy to live with me so I can reset his expectations of what will be provided for him in his life.

 

[MarkF]

Its strange, the eldest is just bone idle, he can't make the connection between work and reward. He actually had a shelf stacking job at the local indie supermarket, he was soon fired for being bone idle and always late, he'd set off for work at his starting time! Worse for him, his younger brother took up the position and has been there 2 years now, as well as going to school and having a morning paper round.

It is just who they are, eldest son's friends are wasters too, younger son's friend's, same as him generally, they do part time jobs to earn, to live, to enjoy. Younger son wants a sports caching position so already has certificates and moneys saved up to do his FA level 1&2 coaching badges when he turns 16, he also realises that he'll have to move away sharpish to achieve his aims. Elder son has spent every penny he's had on nothing and is in bed, still, waiting for X Factor to discover him.

 

[swee'pea99]

Sounds like he needs a point blank kick up the arse scare. Wait till he's out, change the locks, let him negociate a way back in.

Being a bit flaky is one thing. Refusing to contribute when asked is selfish and ungrateful, and he needs a metaphorical slap.

What's with this 'metaphorical' nonsense?

 

[MarkF]

Going back to transportation, I do think that has an impact on today's "yoof". I had a moped (45mph) at 16, a 250cc motorbike at 17 and car at 19, this was on a mcjob wage too and it wasn't difficult. If gives you freedom, independence, widens horizons, you enter the adult world. I don't know any of my elder son's friends that drive or own any transportation, cycling of course requires effort so is a no-no. The government has put so many obstacles in their way that what was entirely normal for me, remains a dream for them, no wonder they stay kids longer.

 

[Andrew_P]

Going back to transportation, I do think that has an impact on today's "yoof". I had a moped (45mph) at 16, a 250cc motorbike at 17 and car at 19, this was on a mcjob wage too and it wasn't difficult. If gives you freedom, independence, widens horizons, you enter the adult world. I don't know any of my elder son's friends that drive or own any transportation, cycling of course requires effort so is a no-no. The government has put so many obstacles in their way that what was entirely normal for me, remains a dream for them, no wonder they stay kids longer.

Must admit a couple of under 21's drive where I work and the mind boggles at their insurance at 2000+ for a year.

 

[Ganymede]

1)

To be quite frank send your boy to live with me so I can reset his expectations of what will be provided for him in his life.

In them olden days (like sort of Tudorish and earlier) young men from good houses used to be sent to live at another good house at the age of about 13. They were then in a world which was perfectly well-disposed towards them, but where they couldn't expect any favours and had to be polite (Kevin the teenager-style) to their parents' friends. Lower down the scale, apprenticeships served the same function - and both positions had the aim of training young men. I've occasionally mentioned this idea to mothers of sons and they've sighed longingly at the thought. Swap the son for the son's friend who's always polite to you... and stop wondering why your friends are always saying what a nice boy your son is, as he never is at home!

 

[asterix]

My niece went out into the commonwealth to stay with a friend of the family*. Unfortunately it didn't go to plan as she hadn't realised they would expect her to wash up and stuff, wouldn't allow her to watch the x-factor, celebrity, get get them out of there or use the internet all the time.

Being t'other side of the world, she had to move out find a place and find work

*Her mother says they are no longer friends of that family!

 

[Arch]

What's with this 'metaphorical' nonsense?

Well, I didn't want to advocate physical violence....

However....