OP
OP
fossyant
Ride It Like You Stole It!
- Location
- South Manchester
Nope !
Jokes accepted, cheer me up....
- Thread starter fossyant
- Start date
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Nope !
- Location
- the post-brexit wasteland
save us some gilbert cakePain much less again today, had a good nights sleep, even done some 'work'. Swelling going bit by bit, and I'm cutting pain killers down to just ibuprofen. Feel 100% better having just had a shower. I'll sneak out to Polocini for lunch tomorrow !
Globalti
Legendary Member
A Frenchman, an Italian and a Geordie are boasting about who is the best lover.
The Frenchman says: (French accent here) "When I make love to my mistress, I cover her naked body with ze finest Belgian chocolates then I lick and nibble her and eat all ze chocolates and she is in such extasy zat she is floating one metre above ze bed!"
The Italian says: (Italian accent here) "When I make a-love to my wife, I cover her naked a-body with rose petals then I lick and kiss her and blow off the petals and she is in such extasy she is a-floating TWO metre above the bed!"
The Geordie says: (Geordie accent here) "Why, ah gan doon the pub on a Friday neet, ah neck twelve pints of lager then ah gan yem and shag the wife, then ah get oop an' wipe me dick on the curtains.... and she hits the fookin' roof!"
The Frenchman says: (French accent here) "When I make love to my mistress, I cover her naked body with ze finest Belgian chocolates then I lick and nibble her and eat all ze chocolates and she is in such extasy zat she is floating one metre above ze bed!"
The Italian says: (Italian accent here) "When I make a-love to my wife, I cover her naked a-body with rose petals then I lick and kiss her and blow off the petals and she is in such extasy she is a-floating TWO metre above the bed!"
The Geordie says: (Geordie accent here) "Why, ah gan doon the pub on a Friday neet, ah neck twelve pints of lager then ah gan yem and shag the wife, then ah get oop an' wipe me dick on the curtains.... and she hits the fookin' roof!"
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise (later became Best Foods on the U.S. west coast) was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.
A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"
Yes" he says "I was in Afghanistan for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope all goes well with the recovery
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"
Yes" he says "I was in Afghanistan for three years."
The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope all goes well with the recovery
GM
Legendary Member
- Location
- North of the river
How about the drunk that went to the toilet, looked down and saw he had 2 kn*bs so he put one away and pi$$ed himself!
asterix
Comrade Member
- Location
- Limoges or York
Did you hear the one about the ghost dog who walked into a pub looking for his tail? The landlord said “Sorry, we don’t retail spirits”.
Puddles
Do I need to get the spray plaster out?
- Location
- Hamble, Southampton
OP
OP
fossyant
Ride It Like You Stole It!
- Location
- South Manchester
Getting there.
No pain killers needed now. still swollen and I suspect that will take a while. Wound is improving, but stitches are annoying. Hoping I'll be OK for cycling again early November !
No pain killers needed now. still swollen and I suspect that will take a while. Wound is improving, but stitches are annoying. Hoping I'll be OK for cycling again early November !
I like Skol
A Minging Manc...
- Location
- Sunny Ashton-under-Lyne
potsy
Rambler
- Location
- My Armchair
You didn't see my status update the other day did you? I'm surprised @potsy didn't grass me up!
I'm oft to aussie next month so I thought I'd get some practice in for the bar
I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table
when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have legged it –
but you don’t get offers like that every day.
I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table
when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have legged it –
but you don’t get offers like that every day.
dan_bo
How much does it cost to Oldham?
Bloke walks in the docs with a steering wheel down his keks.
Doc sez "ooh that looks painful"
Bloke sez "yeah it's driving me nuts".
Sorry perhaps inappropriate.
Doc sez "ooh that looks painful"
Bloke sez "yeah it's driving me nuts".
Sorry perhaps inappropriate.
