It's quite a big area for about 12 dads to cover tbh. Also mildly concerned it might jeopardise my DBS check!
With regards to your alternative garden solution, I think I'd rather have the badger damage than that.
It would make for a real slippery playing surface as well
Talking of which get astro turf.
Or low level electric fences but don't combine that with the P thing, it hurts, believe me I know as a result of an incident in Germany on exercise when I P'd into a bush but there was a wire on the other side and I must have found a gap.
I have spawned a child since so no permanent damage was done.
Edit. I also have a tumble dryer. It's fully automatic just like the wash machine.
I put my dirty togs in the basket and a few days later they are hung/folded in my wardrobe/drawers.