The Official Lanterne Rouge Thread 2025 [spoilers]

[Pross]

Theuns with an audacious but perfectly judged late attack gains a few minutes on the bunch (around 4 minutes I believe) which should put him close to the underall. I think Meeus will have just about held on and and Theuns may be slightly frustrated he didn't go shallower in the end as he had the best part of two minutes to play with.

 

[Beebo]

Ah, @DeadCalm, soon to be curator of the White Jersey Lanterne, for least promising young prospects.

The polka dot lantern. For the ride who is worst placed over every categorised summit.
I suspect the data is very hard to find. If it actually exists.

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

Controversy in the Lanterne today, as whilst everybody else worried about the Madeleine giving them a Proustian rush, Lenny Martinez was using a rather more traditional accelerant. Bizarrely - and almost certainly in an act intended to benefit a French rider - Martinez was awarded bonus seconds for the act. It's hardly likely to be decisive unless he takes (at the current rate of exchange) another 480 of them, but nonetheless this sets a dangerous precedent for the integrity of the competition.

The real news however was Edward Theuns rocketing up the standings, if not the final climb, to take vital minutes in a boring boring mountain stage. An act of unbelievable cunning that moves him back onto the podium, but also a sign of just how tired the autobus are by this stage of the competition. A more alert field would surely have never let him get away.

Finally a word for Scotland's one and Onley, I know he's performing at a level that wouldn't normally trouble this thread, but it's nice to celebrate Scottish success for once. Perhaps it helps that Paris doesn't host any knockout stages that he can fail to reach...

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Sorry, bit lax with the result posting again, dozed off on the sofa and had a very strange dream about Batman chasing Robin round the Cutty Sark armed with a boathook. For some reason Batman kept trying to explain various quirks of naval history by the medium of archive photographs with amusing yet informative ALT texts.

So, for those of you prevented from accessing websites with statistics on by legal injunction, here's the stuff the judge didn't want you to see:

The stage, a big ride from Theuns the Wronger (look, I wasn't paying attention and thought he was the magnificently underpriced other one with the different spelling when I picked my Velogames team - though even he's not really done anything since 2022's Year Of The Dylan*). Also some canny seconds from one half of the Consonni-Ballerini Continuum.

The gnats bottom (tight as):

Year of The Dylan highlights:

Teuns wins La Flèche Wallonne and a stage at Romandie, but somehow managed to top this by coming third in the Redcar › Duncombe Park, Helmsley stage of the ToB
Van Baarle second at the Ronde and wins Roubaix, gets a juicy bonus for helping Vingegaard to yellow in Paris, is mysteriously absent from the ToB, some think his absence was the real reason the last three stages were cancelled, nothing to do with King Charles getting a promotion.
Groenewegen won a stage of the Tour - as well as some Shït Small Races ©Cavendish

 

[ddraver]

(At the risk of being serious for a sec, this is the first time I've realised either Demare or Groenewegen are in the race...)

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

(At the risk of being serious for a sec, this is the first time I've realised either Demare or Groenewegen are in the race...)

It's entirely possible you've realised it before they have

 

[MadMalx]

. For some reason Batman kept trying to explain various quirks of naval history by the medium of archive photographs with amusing yet informative ALT texts.

I didn’t realise that Batman was yet another alter ego of Rogue

 

[No Ta Doctor]

I didn’t realise that Batman was yet another alter ego of Rogue

Wait what? You think that's what that dream was about? Surely not.... Just coincidence, must be.

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

Today's stage from Albertville to La Plagne was dramatically shortened last night in order to avoid a load of deceased cows. Cowards - we've been flogging this particular dead horse for more than a decade now and it's not done us any harm. Other than watching the one and Onley dropping off the back of the group and instinctively looking to see how much time he can gain, rather than feeling a bit sad and disappointed... We've got the full range of emotions here. Bitter and twisted.

Anyway, much excitement today because we finally got to see the top three going head to head in a mano a mano a mano wobble to the line - and unlike lesser events this one actually saw a definitive result, with Theuns taking another fistful of seconds to keep the destination of the most famous unofficial jersey in cycling a mystery into the final weekend. And he didn't even need some silly bonus seconds to tempt him out. Clearly the superior competition, and don't you know it.

 

[Pross]

Today and tomorrow could be interesting. There is time to be gained but there is a risk of strange decisions by the DS insisting on the contenders hanging around at the front of the race. Hopefully the lumps and bumps will allow for final attacks out of the back and any ‘teamwork’ can be done and dusted early in the stage.

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Ah... about yesterday's results.... Got caught up with ranting at people

[Insert lame poorly disguised elaborate joke at @Lanterne Rogue's expense]
[Insert lame joke about being able to find the results elsewhere unless prevented by increasingly unlikely scenarios]
[insert lame jokes involving riders names in the last ten of the stage]

The stage:

[Insert lame jokes about riders in the bottom of the GC]
[Insert brief discussion of time gap changes if can be arsed]

The Underall:

 

[Pross]

Any news on De Lie’s ‘one for the ages’ attack from the gun? He was really going for it but they stopped providing gaps so I assume the bus got their shoot together and chased him down?

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Any news on De Lie’s ‘one for the ages’ attack from the gun? He was really going for it but they stopped providing gaps so I assume the bus got their shoot together and chased him down?

Indeed they did. De Lie managed to get second on the stage, in front of A La Philippe Philoppe, but it was a group of about 40 riders so worth little in GC terms.

Lidl-Trek raced with their heads, less panachetastic but more effective, as I'm sure My Lord and Master will elucidate in this evening's update

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

Absolute scenes in France, as the Tour enters it's final day with its premier competition still undecided. Just fifteen seconds divide Consonni and Theuns after Meeus dramatically cracked on the penultimate stage and shipped a couple of minutes. What happens next may write a new legend if the tour. Will one of the riders dare copy Lemond and unveil some new, fancy aerodynamic gizmo to snatch the title at the last? The parcours may help a truly determined rider - rather than the traditional sprint procession we're heading to the bars and nightlife of Montmartre - but the traditional focus on events at the front of the pack means that tactical advice from the team car will be strictly limited. Whatever happens, true fans of the Lanterne Rouge can not, will not, must not miss seeing it live.

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

I won't be able to catch it live, btw. Well update when I can.