Lanterne Rouge 2026 *spoilers* (& *wasters* & *ne'er-do-wells*) - Semi Official, Brewed Under Licence In The EU

[No Ta Doctor]

In the continued and unfortunately probably continuing absence of @Lanterne Rogue, who is messing around pointing at boats and laughing at them elsewhere, somebody needs to start the Lanterne Rouge thread for this year. And Fate picked out a somebody and said it was me. I'm sure there's a Dr Seuss Cat In The Hat rhyme about this somewhere. Unlike Roxanne, it looks like I do have to put on the red light. I'm pretty sure that's not Dr Seuss, though he might have had a hit with Roxette back in the seventies...

Anyway, I'm not promising to update this every stage, so feel free to chip in with the results every now and then, and make a comment or two so it doesn't look like I'm talking to myself. If you don't enjoy my attempts at humour then it's advisable to make some of your own, pour encourager les autres. If you do enjoy my attempts at humour then it's advisable to make some of your own pour encourager moi.

Last years thread is here:
https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/the-official-lanterne-rouge-thread-2025-spoilers.303640/

And a wayback machine archive of all the utter balls we've talked since 2009 on Bike Radar is here:
https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/bike-radar-forum-refugees.301715/page-31#post-7376288



And FFS... *sellotapes two pain au raisin to the side of my head* Save us @Lanterne Rogue, you're our only hope!

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Anyway... Stage one. Weird one this, a TTT with individual times.
Astana made a strong effort and finished last as a team, but does that translate to bottom of the range GC standings? Or did someone manage to lose the wheel in a team that finished ahead of them, getting off claiming a puncture, and pushing his bike up the final climb?

Well yes and no....
Despite finishing in last place, only one Astana rider - Simone Elastico - was able to slip into the bottom ten though he sealed the lanterne for the day. Podium places also going to fairly rubbish Cofidis (5th from bottom team) with Pies Alleaten, and in what must have been an amazing effort of getting the work in early and knocking off, Tim van Dijke, whose Red Bull team finished fifth. Great slacking Tim.

 

[wakemalcolm]

There's some really experienced pros showing their class there by knowing when to go hard and knowing how hard to just drop anchor when their work is done.

 

[mididoctors]

velasco played it very close to the OTL

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Stage two. Arnaud De Lie told his DS he had a tummy ache and went to the back of the peloton with someone to look after him. That's a decent times grab on a stage where a few riders look to be allergic to expending energy - possibly thinking about potential breakaways tomorrow

It's not enough to take the Lanterne though - Cease Ball (as the World Cup effectively told the Dutch quite early on) takes that honour. Only Matty Tintin and Marco Haller survive from yesterday's bottom ten

 

[red.rider]

Only Matty Tintin and Marco Haller survive from yesterday's bottom ten

I’m not sure who this Austrian imposter is, but I think the Irish giant Marc O’Hallagh might be a regular in this thread

 

[wakemalcolm]

Slock sliding into the bottom ten in his, now, signature move.

 

[No Ta Doctor]

I’m not sure who this Austrian imposter is, but I think the Irish giant Marc O’Hallagh might be a regular in this thread

Noted. This is what comes of doing the entry at 1am between world cup matches

 

[Pross]

I reckon De Lie may have overdone his long break today and blown his chances. Brave effort though.

 

[Blazing Saddles]

I reckon De Lie may have overdone his long break today and blown his chances. Brave effort though.

De Lie’s lantern has gone out. DNF.

An impressive move by Arvid de Kleijn today. Dropped 35 places and now sits nicely, just off the podium.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Fred Wright seems keen to get the British Champion's on show. He made a good effort today with a bottom 10 finish and a 24 place drop but he's still 5 minutes off the lead.

 

[Pross]

There’s more chances to slip off the back than I thought this week with only Stage 6 looking like being a bunch finish. Those not being tied to lead outs at the wrong end can do some damage.

 

[red.rider]

Good to see another Irish giant Phillip O’Gannagh making moves today 🇮🇪

 

[No Ta Doctor]

A remarkable ride from Avid de "Patsy" Kleijn. With a massive group coming in at 36:30 only 9 riders managed to make a real difference, but nobody could match Patsy's De Kleijn

Bol still hasn't Ceased (I'll leave this note here just in Cees people think I don't know how his name is actually pronounced)
Irishman Mark O'Hallagh continues to drop and Italian Kellando Brien stakes his claim to the bottom place

 

[red.rider]

May Patsy’s de Kleijn long continue! Though he may have flown too close to the sun by following de Lie’s wheel. I’m not sure that I would sit behind him for that long given de Lie’s current state