Lanterne Rouge 2026 *spoilers* (& *wasters* & *ne'er-do-wells*) - Semi Official, Brewed Under Licence In The EU

[No Ta Doctor]

In the continued and unfortunately probably continuing absence of @Lanterne Rogue, who is messing around pointing at boats and laughing at them elsewhere, somebody needs to start the Lanterne Rouge thread for this year. And Fate picked out a somebody and said it was me. I'm sure there's a Dr Seuss Cat In The Hat rhyme about this somewhere. Unlike Roxanne, it looks like I do have to put on the red light. I'm pretty sure that's not Dr Seuss, though he might have had a hit with Roxette back in the seventies...

Anyway, I'm not promising to update this every stage, so feel free to chip in with the results every now and then, and make a comment or two so it doesn't look like I'm talking to myself. If you don't enjoy my attempts at humour then it's advisable to make some of your own, pour encourager les autres. If you do enjoy my attempts at humour then it's advisable to make some of your own pour encourager moi.

Last years thread is here:
https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/the-official-lanterne-rouge-thread-2025-spoilers.303640/

And a wayback machine archive of all the utter balls we've talked since 2009 on Bike Radar is here:
https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/bike-radar-forum-refugees.301715/page-31#post-7376288



And FFS... *sellotapes two pain au raisin to the side of my head* Save us @Lanterne Rogue, you're our only hope!

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Anyway... Stage one. Weird one this, a TTT with individual times.
Astana made a strong effort and finished last as a team, but does that translate to bottom of the range GC standings? Or did someone manage to lose the wheel in a team that finished ahead of them, getting off claiming a puncture, and pushing his bike up the final climb?

Well yes and no....
Despite finishing in last place, only one Astana rider - Simone Elastico - was able to slip into the bottom ten though he sealed the lanterne for the day. Podium places also going to fairly rubbish Cofidis (5th from bottom team) with Pies Alleaten, and in what must have been an amazing effort of getting the work in early and knocking off, Tim van Dijke, whose Red Bull team finished fifth. Great slacking Tim.

 

[wakemalcolm]

There's some really experienced pros showing their class there by knowing when to go hard and knowing how hard to just drop anchor when their work is done.