Dogtrousers
Lefty tighty. Get it righty.
"jour avec" 
Lanterne Rouge 2026 *spoilers* (& *wasters* & *ne'er-do-wells*) - Semi Official, Brewed Under Licence In The EU
- Thread starter No Ta Doctor
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OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
"jour avec"
That jokes so old it should have a swallow its pride thread, but its applied for EU funding as a cultural artefact with strong traditional value, so we can't get rid of it yet
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
I've already lined up the Case of Bollinger pun for later mate, having deliberately mangled pronunciation of his name for the Cease joke*
*Calling it a joke might be going too far. I mean, it has some of the common features of a joke, but I've got a fine** head and a round body but that doesn't make me a well poured pint of ale.
**Just leave it. Let it go for the sake of this poor analogy
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
A day out in the mountains, but without the GC group drilling it the whole way and with plenty of road for a group of big lads to make time up meant the usual fine margins and seconds shaved reverse sprint wasn't to be - in fact we have a run away* stage winner with a gap of over 8 minutes to second place. Chapeau Tim Wellness. Tim's teammate Brandon McNulty didn't fare so well, leaving the race feeling not very well. In fact the entire UAE team are looking a bit under the weather - other than Pogacar. Perhaps the Salade Américaine, made with genuine imported American salad leaves wasn't the best rest day option? honourable mention to @Dogtrousers' bloke Fred "Ian" Wright Wright Wright In The Afternoon for a solid bottom ten finish, just seconds in front of Jakey Stewart
With two abandons, both from outside yesterday's top ten, anyone moving UP less than two places is in fact moving down.
Ceased Balls stays in the lanterne, while Matty Love undertakes both Kamil Gradek and Phil Bauhaus to move into second from last.
Solid rides from Arthur Askey and Davey Ballerina see them make up ground on the podium places, white Peter Allergies had a day to forgot sitting in the bunch and Baptiste Roadpunisher drops out of the bottom ten entirely having failed to make several splits that Olav Kuewdge was able to take advantage of.
*from him, he's got the lurgy!
With two abandons, both from outside yesterday's top ten, anyone moving UP less than two places is in fact moving down.
Ceased Balls stays in the lanterne, while Matty Love undertakes both Kamil Gradek and Phil Bauhaus to move into second from last.
Solid rides from Arthur Askey and Davey Ballerina see them make up ground on the podium places, white Peter Allergies had a day to forgot sitting in the bunch and Baptiste Roadpunisher drops out of the bottom ten entirely having failed to make several splits that Olav Kuewdge was able to take advantage of.
*from him, he's got the lurgy!
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
Briefly...
Looks like UAE have given Visma the lurgy now
Affini didn't fin, feeling poorly, and Per Stranded Hagenes swooped in (drooped in?) to take the day's stage by ten seconds.
UAE, mindful of people's complaints about how greedy they were - taking stages at both ends of the race - attempted to assist Movistar's Einer Rubio in a lanterne challenge by braking sharply in front of him thus allowing him a chute. Unfortunately he went into the back of it with a sickening thud and was forced to abandon the race with some pretty nasty facial injuries. Heal up well Einer.
Mark O'Hallagh, however, managed to get just the right amount of chute, riding into a cushioned traffic bollard or something, before improvising an unconventional dismount. A lovely little move that helped him to the 3rd step from bottom on the day. With him came teammate Alan Philippe, a surprise result as I didn't even notice him attack before dropping behind today - sneaky!
Some small movement in the underall. Gradek makes up a position on Cease Ball but actually gives up 33 seconds, if I can count right (which at nearly 2am is far from certain). Arthur Askey moves up. Matty Love isn't loving it, giving both Ball and Gradek time. Pete Allergies and Davey Ballerina also made up some ground. If you want to know how much, I suggest finding a calculator and working it out yourself. Bol only has one more mountain stage to get through before some silly-bollocks in Paris ruins it for him
Looks like UAE have given Visma the lurgy now
Affini didn't fin, feeling poorly, and Per Stranded Hagenes swooped in (drooped in?) to take the day's stage by ten seconds.
UAE, mindful of people's complaints about how greedy they were - taking stages at both ends of the race - attempted to assist Movistar's Einer Rubio in a lanterne challenge by braking sharply in front of him thus allowing him a chute. Unfortunately he went into the back of it with a sickening thud and was forced to abandon the race with some pretty nasty facial injuries. Heal up well Einer.
Mark O'Hallagh, however, managed to get just the right amount of chute, riding into a cushioned traffic bollard or something, before improvising an unconventional dismount. A lovely little move that helped him to the 3rd step from bottom on the day. With him came teammate Alan Philippe, a surprise result as I didn't even notice him attack before dropping behind today - sneaky!
Some small movement in the underall. Gradek makes up a position on Cease Ball but actually gives up 33 seconds, if I can count right (which at nearly 2am is far from certain). Arthur Askey moves up. Matty Love isn't loving it, giving both Ball and Gradek time. Pete Allergies and Davey Ballerina also made up some ground. If you want to know how much, I suggest finding a calculator and working it out yourself. Bol only has one more mountain stage to get through before some silly-bollocks in Paris ruins it for him
TakeTheHighRoad
Well-Known Member
I saw a shocking video posted by the Tour of Max "Trotting At A" Kanter "sprinting" to 128th place on the stage, pipping his teammate Nicolas (Not Alexander and Not Alexandre Junior) Vinokourov
This kind of tomfoolery puts the noble race of the Lanterne Rouge in serious jeopardy and should be Cees'd (get it) immediately. Down with this sort of thing
This kind of tomfoolery puts the noble race of the Lanterne Rouge in serious jeopardy and should be Cees'd (get it) immediately. Down with this sort of thing
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
At the other end of the race, everyone is congratulating each other on their final GC positions and jerseys won ahead of tomorrows mainly processional stage (as it used to be). Barring someone going arse-over-tit and failing to finish, or limping in minutes befind the peloton, that end of the race is done with. But down here where it matters, tomorrow still counts. So there will be no premature congratulation here, there's still work to be done, potholes to seek, bicycles to be kicked apparently despairingly by the Champs Elysée roadside while pretending to look upset.
So with that in mind, here's todays stage results - with every second still counting.
Liam Slack hid at the back while his boss sent Baptiste Roadpunisher out for one last hurrah, but his cunning was only enough to see him take 5th on the stage. Cease Ball shipped a few seconds to some other bottom ten contenders - Julius's Burger Van making the most of it with nearly half a minute. Cease also tried to sheperd teammate Olav Kuiedge to protect his bottom ten position, but this may yet prove to be a failed mission if Kouiowj is called up to sprint tomorrow. Congrats to the days two losers, Ben "John" Thomas helping teammate Jen The Barman to losstory. This has surely saved Cofidis's race.
Some small changes on the GC Underall - Matty Love moving down a position into second last, Julius moving down to to gain the third (top) step of the pit and Kamilla Graded and Phil Bow-wow moving the wrong way. Pete's Allergies also dropped a position, but he remains nearlly ten minutes ahead of the lanterne. It remains tight, but Ball now has a margin of 4:32 to the second step. Only ten seconds separate ´the 2nd and 3rd steps. Cease will be hoping that he and Kewyge will be able to lurk at the back and mark attacks, but you never know with Decathlon, they might suddenly be called forward to chase in the vain hope of a sprint.
So with that in mind, here's todays stage results - with every second still counting.
Liam Slack hid at the back while his boss sent Baptiste Roadpunisher out for one last hurrah, but his cunning was only enough to see him take 5th on the stage. Cease Ball shipped a few seconds to some other bottom ten contenders - Julius's Burger Van making the most of it with nearly half a minute. Cease also tried to sheperd teammate Olav Kuiedge to protect his bottom ten position, but this may yet prove to be a failed mission if Kouiowj is called up to sprint tomorrow. Congrats to the days two losers, Ben "John" Thomas helping teammate Jen The Barman to losstory. This has surely saved Cofidis's race.
Some small changes on the GC Underall - Matty Love moving down a position into second last, Julius moving down to to gain the third (top) step of the pit and Kamilla Graded and Phil Bow-wow moving the wrong way. Pete's Allergies also dropped a position, but he remains nearlly ten minutes ahead of the lanterne. It remains tight, but Ball now has a margin of 4:32 to the second step. Only ten seconds separate ´the 2nd and 3rd steps. Cease will be hoping that he and Kewyge will be able to lurk at the back and mark attacks, but you never know with Decathlon, they might suddenly be called forward to chase in the vain hope of a sprint.
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
Not for the first time have my assumptions about something been brutally dashed. While the last stage of the race has traditionally been quite a quandary for sprinters and their lead-outs being bullied into trying to get over the line first, while simultaneously attempting to maintain their lanterne GC position, the cowardly race organisers robbed us of our denouement by neutralising the stage GC times at some random point in the race before they went over the Montmartre climb. Plans to get caught up in any crashes or bottlenecks at the back were dashed, and getting dropped here could offer nothing but a long ride to a hollow stage victory. Nonetheless, here is the bottom ten on the day - as they crossed the finish line. As can be seen, the presence of GC riders and their teams was an unwelcome addition to the slow race. Full credit then to Matty Love for sealing the final stage for the real contenders - a fitting end to his 2nd step Tour.
Two riders apparently attempted to grab some GC seconds for themselves, though they would have had to stop for a beer and a chat and then another one and then one for the road if they wanted to properly bother the bottom of the race. Xabier Mikel Azparrenand Thibault Guernalec both gained 53" and yet still finished their Tours over an hour ahead of the Lanterne.
Our final GC is, of course, unchanged. Congratulations to two-time second step, four time bottom ten Case of Bollinger* for finally getting that all important Lanterne Rouge. The importance of experience is sometimes overplayed in this competition, but I think in this Cees we can credit superior know-how over brute force injury or illness. A superb ride, which his new-this-year-DS will no doubt want to play down his part in, but we all know that no matter how poor the Lanterne rider is, he will always find that little bit less when coached by the right DS. So step forward ex-Lanterne and mastermind behind the Bollinger, Luke Rowe.
Our final underall:
The serious note
One hundred and eighty-four riders started this Tour de France. Only One hundred and fifty-eight finished it, and many of them bruised, battered and exhausted. To the twenty-five that missed the time cut, crashed out or abandoned due to illness - and the one that got yanked to "preserve his development" - better luck next time, heal up, and get well soon. To all those that finished, congratulations, you made it! And while we take the mickey a bit (a lot) on this thread, we know that the reality is that an immense amount of pain and suffering went into just getting to Paris. Chapeau to all.
Thanks also to everyone that went through the immense amount of pain and suffering of participating in or even just reading this thread. Your misery makes it all worth while. See you next year, where once again I shall attempt to rope someone else into doing it.
*Look, I told you I had this pun lined up for later, did you think I was going to waste it just because it had already been done?
diplodicus
Senior Member
Good work No Ta Doctor👍
TakeTheHighRoad
Well-Known Member
I saw a stat that at the average speed of this race, the distance between 1st and last was 275km. So when Pogi was going over the line in Paris, Cees was just starting Friday's Alpe d'Huez
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TakeTheHighRoad
Well-Known Member
Edited appropriately now thanks @Pblakeney
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
FFS. Massive wrong-threading
