Lanterne Rouge 2026 *spoilers* (& *wasters* & *ne'er-do-wells*) - Semi Official, Brewed Under Licence In The EU
- Thread starter No Ta Doctor
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OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
I think he's probably suffering a case of DS. Mark Renshaw has refused to let him hunt personal glory in his overwhelming commitment to Project One - The hunt for a single sprint win for Max Kanter
Dogtrousers
Lefty tighty. Get it righty.
No witty commentary I'm afraid. Nothing much happening apart from Haller coming in 123rd on stage about 5 minutes early and losing his place in the bottom 10 leaving him 10 whole minutes away from the lanterne.
In other news, I noticed that John Degenkolb is in 163rd which surprised me because I thought he'd retired
In other news, I noticed that John Degenkolb is in 163rd which surprised me because I thought he'd retired
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OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
Shhhhh... don't tell @Dogtrousers, but I'm back (escaped in a daring tunnel & hot air balloon escapade / let out because the jails are all full / time off for good behaviour / was only pretending to be banned but didn't have the money to roll-play it all the way through to a flight from justice to Brazil). Let's see if we can trick him into carrying on doing the updates*
*This is pretty much traditional, and how all but the very first correspondent got the job
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
Dammit, my cunning plan seems to have failed...
So yesterday (stage 11) some things happened but very little changed.
The world's greatest puncheur circa anno '18-'21 was rewarded for his later efforts years attacking in the mountains and getting spat out the back half a minute later by attacking to get into a break on a flat sprint stage, and getting spat out of the back of it on a cat 4 climb. Alan Philip made great use of this advantage to take the final place of the day.
Our heroic bottom of the stage looked like this:
There was a very minor movement in the bottom ten, unlike the fairly explosive and major movements all the way accross the uSA for anyone that's eaten salad in the last few days. Plucky Brit Lewis Arthur Askey slipped down a single place in the GC from 8th from bottom to 6th from bottom. Yes, I know it's confusing, but that's because they count it all the wrong way round.
On today's stage, lots happened, and nothing changed at all.
Baptiste "The John" Veistroffer (transliteration of vej-straffer, Danish for road punisher) went for a solo break at the wrong end of the race (see the Chronicles Of Baptise Veistroffer on the main race thread). He was later joined by some riders whose company he didn't like, so he dropped them and continued solo. When eventually caught he cannily sipped out the back to make a lone attack on the Lanterne Rouge. Unfortunately for him, annoying break member Ewen Cost IOU and ex annoying break member from several stages back Jakub Otruba found him and brought some mates. Poor Baptiste, who just wanted to be alone and had tried to escape at both ends could only come in first in the final bunch of 14.
What you looking here for? I already told you there was no change in the underall today.
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
Chapeau to Netcompany INEOS's Dorian Godown, who shaved 5" off the group of 20 odd riders to take the stage solo
The stage also featured the first bortom ten appearance of Lanterne Rouge thread favourite Anthony Turgid, a 9th last place his best effort so far this race. I fear he may be due a Vomit Up Your Pride thread if he doesn't worsen soon
The day's worst result must be Matis Louvel, who managed to give up more the 7 minutes on a huge group. He's rocketed up from last place to 6th from bottom and must be starting to worry about his bottom 10 now. Baptiste Roadpunisher was refused permission to go in the break today as it might actually succeed, but somehow managed to lurk his way into the bottom ten by coming in with the bottom twenty group.
Our new lanterne is Kamil "Poorly" Graded, who has near,y two minutes on Ceased Ball
The stage also featured the first bortom ten appearance of Lanterne Rouge thread favourite Anthony Turgid, a 9th last place his best effort so far this race. I fear he may be due a Vomit Up Your Pride thread if he doesn't worsen soon
The day's worst result must be Matis Louvel, who managed to give up more the 7 minutes on a huge group. He's rocketed up from last place to 6th from bottom and must be starting to worry about his bottom 10 now. Baptiste Roadpunisher was refused permission to go in the break today as it might actually succeed, but somehow managed to lurk his way into the bottom ten by coming in with the bottom twenty group.
Our new lanterne is Kamil "Poorly" Graded, who has near,y two minutes on Ceased Ball
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
A tough day in the mountains, raced at an average of close to 39km/h despite three huge Cat 1 climbs is difficult to find time on. These days are the Lanterne equivalents of the sprints, with single riders trying to slip their wheel at the last second. Ironically, these lanterne sprints are often contested by....sprinters. Congratulations then to Matteo Verchual, who managed to get his tail an entire four seconds behind a bunch of twenty riders that came in at 37:53. In fact, the last hundred riders all managed to come in over half an hour down. Chapeau all.
Our glorious stage loser:
There was, however, a rider whose daring and courage went way beyond that of any of his colleagues, who set off on an audacious solo raid of well over 100km. Knowing he had almost an hour to make up on the lanterne he dragged himself slowly and painfully over all Cat 1 climbs to the finish, arriving at the line just shy of an hour after the Poginator had Poginated it. Alas for Charming Tony, that's outside the prescribed maximum time by quite a bit, and he was removed from the race, Over The Limit. Chapeau for the effort
Our new underall shows little change, other than Phil "stopped at" Bauhaus "to pick up some garden furniture and some screws" losing a small amount of ground being the wrong side of a split
Our glorious stage loser:
There was, however, a rider whose daring and courage went way beyond that of any of his colleagues, who set off on an audacious solo raid of well over 100km. Knowing he had almost an hour to make up on the lanterne he dragged himself slowly and painfully over all Cat 1 climbs to the finish, arriving at the line just shy of an hour after the Poginator had Poginated it. Alas for Charming Tony, that's outside the prescribed maximum time by quite a bit, and he was removed from the race, Over The Limit. Chapeau for the effort
Our new underall shows little change, other than Phil "stopped at" Bauhaus "to pick up some garden furniture and some screws" losing a small amount of ground being the wrong side of a split
Shadow
member
- Location
- edge of the south downs
Who would have thought the ITT would make things so close on the underall. Matty Love-in has a clear gap of well over a minute while the podium is separated by just 29 seconds.
| 161 | 163 | ▲2 | Louvel Matis | NSN Cycling Team | 4:36:48 | ||
| 162 | 164 | ▲2 | Bol Cees | Decathlon CMA CGM Team | 4:38:10 | ||
| 163 | 165 | ▲2 | Askey Lewis | NSN Cycling Team | 4:38:18 | ||
| 164 | 166 | ▲2 | Gradek Kamil | Bahrain - Victorious | 4:38:39 |
My man Bol Cees is still in contention.
Dogtrousers
Lefty tighty. Get it righty.
I'm interested to know if there's a least aggressive rider award.
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
Some interesting results for sure, so here's your delayed official-because-I-say-it-is double update for Sunday and today*
Sunday's stage saw some very tired riders make mistakes and accidentally leave the race. Tom Van Arsebrook went off in a huff after he failed to win the lanterne for Saturday's stage, Jonas Vingegaard flew on the vings of a kerbstone instead of love and Merlier just didn't fancy if, given there were no proper stages left and everything was up and down all the way to Paris from here. Chapeau to him for making sure ASO knew where they could shove their Paris stage 21 cobbles. Now he's out, of course, he'll much prefer the new finish as it adds a bit of excitement when you're watching from the sofa.
As a mountain stage the timings were tight, with only Arthur Askey, Pascal Stinkhorn and Søren "Don't give me stupid name or I'll decapitate you with this Viking battleaxe" Wærenskjold managing to find some extra seconds. Chapeau** Søren for the stage win.
Askey is, of course an actual contender rather than just a stage hunter, and will have pleased to see both Bol and Kludge missing vital splits and losing a minute or two. It is, in act incredibly close down there, with the bottom three within a half minute of each other. How Koodge must be rueing those punishing bonus seconds
The rest day wasn't plain sailing for everyone either. Lars Craps - who it just isn't worth making up a daft name for - fell ill and failed to start today's test of timing. We don't know exactly what is wrong with him, but being the Tour there's a strong chance nominative determinism did for him. That or he didn't fancy getting knocked up*** at 2am. He never really bothered the lanterne anyway, but worth mentioning because even the best lanterne rides are seeing people rise a place or two due to the exits above.
So, to the stage - a proper test of daring. Guess the winning time and try and crawl round just inside it. But who dares push least? Chapeau Pascal Stinkhorn for beating Peter Allergy by a good 7 seconds!
But what of the underall, I hear you cry, as if you hadn't read the posts above that contain that very information? Very well - for those of you muting every other poster on this thread than me (and why wouldn't you? It's the only sensible option really. It's what I'm doing), here it is.
The only real movement is David Ballerina sneaking into 10th at the expense of Milan Fretting. Only Peter Allergy of our bottom ten made the bottom on the stage, closing around a minute and a half of the gap to Julius's Burger Van, the others all playing it a little safer. Yes, it's tighter than a gnats chuff. Still only half a minute between the bottom three, and less than four between the bottom six. Everything is there to not ride for!
*Subject to revision at any time if Donald Trump calls
**Without horns on, obviously
***Woken up; we think it's highly unlikely the other sense could happen to him
Sunday's stage saw some very tired riders make mistakes and accidentally leave the race. Tom Van Arsebrook went off in a huff after he failed to win the lanterne for Saturday's stage, Jonas Vingegaard flew on the vings of a kerbstone instead of love and Merlier just didn't fancy if, given there were no proper stages left and everything was up and down all the way to Paris from here. Chapeau to him for making sure ASO knew where they could shove their Paris stage 21 cobbles. Now he's out, of course, he'll much prefer the new finish as it adds a bit of excitement when you're watching from the sofa.
As a mountain stage the timings were tight, with only Arthur Askey, Pascal Stinkhorn and Søren "Don't give me stupid name or I'll decapitate you with this Viking battleaxe" Wærenskjold managing to find some extra seconds. Chapeau** Søren for the stage win.
Askey is, of course an actual contender rather than just a stage hunter, and will have pleased to see both Bol and Kludge missing vital splits and losing a minute or two. It is, in act incredibly close down there, with the bottom three within a half minute of each other. How Koodge must be rueing those punishing bonus seconds
The rest day wasn't plain sailing for everyone either. Lars Craps - who it just isn't worth making up a daft name for - fell ill and failed to start today's test of timing. We don't know exactly what is wrong with him, but being the Tour there's a strong chance nominative determinism did for him. That or he didn't fancy getting knocked up*** at 2am. He never really bothered the lanterne anyway, but worth mentioning because even the best lanterne rides are seeing people rise a place or two due to the exits above.
So, to the stage - a proper test of daring. Guess the winning time and try and crawl round just inside it. But who dares push least? Chapeau Pascal Stinkhorn for beating Peter Allergy by a good 7 seconds!
But what of the underall, I hear you cry, as if you hadn't read the posts above that contain that very information? Very well - for those of you muting every other poster on this thread than me (and why wouldn't you? It's the only sensible option really. It's what I'm doing), here it is.
The only real movement is David Ballerina sneaking into 10th at the expense of Milan Fretting. Only Peter Allergy of our bottom ten made the bottom on the stage, closing around a minute and a half of the gap to Julius's Burger Van, the others all playing it a little safer. Yes, it's tighter than a gnats chuff. Still only half a minute between the bottom three, and less than four between the bottom six. Everything is there to not ride for!
*Subject to revision at any time if Donald Trump calls
**Without horns on, obviously
***Woken up; we think it's highly unlikely the other sense could happen to him
Dogtrousers
Lefty tighty. Get it righty.
Shocking day for British hopeful Arthur Askey.
OP
OP
No Ta Doctor
Veteran
A difficult stage to get right, when nobody in it can make up what sort of stage it is. The breakaway thought it was for a break, a couple of sprinters teams disagreed, then didn't, then did again, and the GC went and rode in the grupetto. Baptiste Roadpunisher went for a ride with just a viking for company, then everyone caught up with them so he nipped out the back for some solitude but they wouldn't leave him alone and in the hassle he somehow missed the cuts and ended up coming in with the GC-Grupetto only 8:46 down.
A trio of Unox-X's bloke with a big axe, a sickly looking Adam Yates, and Tim Wellness Expert looked set to take the day's stage but Alveiro Jefferson Airplane Cepeda must have hidden in a bush or something, because he managed to take nearly two minutes from them, coming in at magnificent 28:29 after the days loser up front. Jake "The Jakey" Stewart, Julius's Burger Van, Dave Ballerina and Cease Ball all made inroads, while Arthur Askey had a jour avec quite badly, coming in one hundred and sixty places before the day's lanterne
The bottom ten is, indeed, shaken right up. There's still less than 13 minutes in it, but they may be hard to find with the excessively mountainous terrain that usually ruins this competition coming up. The big news, however, that Lanterne veteran Bol - twice second from bottom step, twice more bottom ten and a couple of DNFs to boot - is now sitting in theprime base position. Can he finally make the lanterne his own?
A trio of Unox-X's bloke with a big axe, a sickly looking Adam Yates, and Tim Wellness Expert looked set to take the day's stage but Alveiro Jefferson Airplane Cepeda must have hidden in a bush or something, because he managed to take nearly two minutes from them, coming in at magnificent 28:29 after the days loser up front. Jake "The Jakey" Stewart, Julius's Burger Van, Dave Ballerina and Cease Ball all made inroads, while Arthur Askey had a jour avec quite badly, coming in one hundred and sixty places before the day's lanterne
The bottom ten is, indeed, shaken right up. There's still less than 13 minutes in it, but they may be hard to find with the excessively mountainous terrain that usually ruins this competition coming up. The big news, however, that Lanterne veteran Bol - twice second from bottom step, twice more bottom ten and a couple of DNFs to boot - is now sitting in the
