The Official Lanterne Rouge Thread 2025 [spoilers]

[Lanterne Rogue]

And now for the bonus event, the Tour De France Femmes avec Zlow...

And that means my old friends, the Girls of Pedally Towers...

"I say, Kassy, sadistic old games mistress Mme Prudhomme has outdone herself this time. Where the hell are we?" asked Anna.
"Not a bally clue," said Kassy. "I'm still upset that we're not going back to Paris."
""I liked Paris," added Elisa, who had mysteriously acquired a knife immediately after airport security and was now casually trimming her nails with it. "Got to call in a couple of 'favours' for the family..."
"Yes, well we can't go back to Paris after that incident at the Moulin Rouge!" snapped head girl Marianne.
"Lots of people visit the Moulin Rouge!" countered Demi.
"Not dancing on the stage in their knickers they don't!" said Marianne, shuddering. The letters home had been quite something. She'd framed hers.
"Remember that time we went to southern France?" asked Anna.
"Yes," said Kassy. "That was Nice. I say chaps, I've just noticed! Where's Lizzie? Have we stumbled upon a story secret mystery to be solved with the aid of lashings of ginger beer and a clever canine companion?!"
"Ooh no, Kassy. We don't get that," said Anna. "This is a girl's story."
"Lizzie's parents wouldn't let her come," explained Marianne. "Boy trouble. Again."
"Oooh! Is it scandalous!?" asked Pfeiffer, excitedly.
"I should hope not. She is thirty-six after all..."

Day one of the Tour Femmes avec Zlow, and my pick for success in the fantasy league, Sylvie Swinkels, has leapt straight into the lead. Having taken nearly 11 minutes over just 78km the signs are promising for another vintage competition...

 

[No Ta Doctor]

The fear today is that the stage is neutralised if it rains on the Paris cobbles

The current GC standings - seems luka found the down button again

 

[ddraver]

Hey, how did Simone leapfrog Eddie..?

 

[ddraver]

However he did it, he held it!

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

Final stage of le Grand Shebang, and... Nothing happened. The neutralisation created by taking the time cut before the attacks started off the back on Montmartre prevented any last minute place changes. Theuns did everything to try and snatch a result but Consonni was wise to the threat and casually marked the move, with both riders in the final group of four at the critical point. Neither of them could take stage honours though - whilst they were concentrating on each other Thibau Nys nipped in, or out, to steal the win and bring joy across Belgium. At least I think that's why they were all so happy yesterday...

Thanks for posting along, keeping this silly tradition going, and for enjoying one of the closest and most intriguing Lanternes I can remember. It's been a hoot.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Thanks to all for this thread

It is shameful that the commercial companies never even mentioned the most important part of the whole thing
and concentrated on the wrong end of the race!!

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

"So she says 'Don't be silly, Napoleon! We can't bone-apart!" screamed Cecilie.
"Has she been allowed sweets again?" asked Marianne. "You know what she's like after a handful of e-numbers."
"Well she does look very happy. I suppose somebody might have given her one-",Demi started to say.
"Yuk yuk yuk yuk!" laughed Cecilie.
"Girls," said Marianne. "I really you to be completely honest with me here. Has anybody here accidentally written Cecilie into the wrong genre?"
"Oh no!" gasped Pfeiffer. "It's all Mme Prudhomme's fault!"
"Mme Prudhomme?"
"Well she started off saying she was going to show us some Brest, and before any of us knew what was going on she was all the way down to Quimper!"
"It's a right Carry On!!!" howled Cecilie.
- from the Girls of Pedally Towers Have A Ride, by Beryl Blyton

Today's Sid James memorial classic was tougher than expected, with four riders Hors Delai (and god knows what the Carry On crew would have done with that information), and Lanterne holder Sylvie Swinkels climbing off altogether. A perfectly judged escape by Kristen Faulkner saw her arrive with seconds to spare before the cut and a consequent maximal time gain to propel her seventy or so places up the rankings. Emilia Fahlin did enough to inherit the lead though, and fittingly is extremely pleasing to say in a Barbara Windsor / Peggy Mitchell accent. Try it yourself: " Stop all ya fahlin' abaht!"

 

[No Ta Doctor]

While the GC was neutralised, let's not pretend there wasn't still a stage loss up for grabs.
Another very strong showing for Lidl-Trek, who I think must be at the bottom of the Lanterne for Teams now? @Dogtrousers will update us in due course, I'm sure. The Nys young Thibau steals the stage glory, in a savage three-on-one Lidl-Trek v Movistar slow-sprint. Castrillo fought well, but eventually couldn't keep stopping as the multiple track-stands of Lidl-Trek forced him to move.

Unfortunately, I think Consonni's underall win and third from bottom here, coupled with this terrible result at the wrong end of the race must signify the breakup of The Consonni-Ballerini Continuum / The Ballerini-Consonni Continuum to pursue solo careers. Rumours suggest that disagreements regarding the band name, coupled with Consonni's side project duo with teammate Edward Theuns, led to "artistic differences" being expressed with maximal Italian hand gestures, an irrevocable situation.

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Absolutely shocking levels of gameswomanship on yesterday's stage, with no less than 11 of the last finishing 21 riders having their times annulled for crashing after the last-crashing-timeloss mark.

Excellent work from Denmark's Rebecca Koerner, who must have put her Danish TT Champion's skills into reverse to seize such a large chunk of time, adding to some very solid work in the first two stages.

It's thought that as a national champion Rebecca is now being coached by Danish Cycling's national team manager, Michael Mørkøv, whose own Lanterne credentials are impeccable, having won the men's edition himself in 2023 and piloted Cavendish to his win the following year.

A gap of 4:39 after a mere three stages is a solid lead, though it's a long way to Paris Les Portes du Soleil. I'm not sure where the actual gates are, but the sun itself is 149 million kilometers away, which seems a touch extreme for a ten day race, so hopefully the sun has an absolutely massive drive. Probably lined with Poplars or something.

 

[ddraver]

Is last year's champion Fauve, Sebastian's Son in the race this year? A truly magnigifcent, dare I say textbook campaign last year to take the prize. Can she do it again?

( https://www.instagram.com/fauvebasti/?hl=en - cos she's actually quite good on there )

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Is last year's champion Fauve, Sebastian's Son in the race this year? A truly magnigifcent, dare I say textbook campaign last year to take the prize. Can she do it again?

( https://www.instagram.com/fauvebasti/?hl=en - cos she's actually quite good on there )

For some reason here team wouldn't allow her to defend her title.

 

[ddraver]

Same for Doc Mieke. How the mighty have fallen...

Edit - the plot thickens as actually the whole team is not in the tour this year. Blatant francophilia perhaps!!

 

[Shadow]

A gap of 4:39 after a mere three stages is a solid lead

It is indeed.
Do not underestimate either Nadia Gonetonowhere or Kiara Lielo, although they are both young so lack the experience and guile of true lanternes.

 

[No Ta Doctor]

Absolutely shocking levels of gameswomanship on yesterday's stage, with no less than 11 of the last finishing 21 riders having their times annulled for crashing after the last-crashing-timeloss mark.

Excellent work from Denmark's Rebecca Koerner, who must have put her Danish TT Champion's skills into reverse to seize such a large chunk of time, adding to some very solid work in the first two stages.

View attachment 781847

It's thought that as a national champion Rebecca is now being coached by Danish Cycling's national team manager, Michael Mørkøv, whose own Lanterne credentials are impeccable, having won the men's edition himself in 2023 and piloted Cavendish to his win the following year.

A gap of 4:39 after a mere three stages is a solid lead, though it's a long way to Paris Les Portes du Soleil. I'm not sure where the actual gates are, but the sun itself is 149 million kilometers away, which seems a touch extreme for a ten day race, so hopefully the sun has an absolutely massive drive. Probably lined with Poplars or something.

View attachment 781848

Unfortunately Rebecca Koerner has had to leave the race, not due to any issue ...err... Koernering, but because of illness.
God bedring Rebecca!

 

[Lanterne Rogue]

"I say, Anna, that was all a bit rum, wasn't it?"
"Gosh yes, Kassy! Elisa running out with that tommy gun shouting 'you'll never take me alive, copper!' I'm starting to think our genres are slipping again."
"Never mind that. I don't suppose she left her collection of expensive designer knuckledusters behind, did she?"
"Why on earth are you worried about them?"
"I'm starting to think Demi's enjoying herself far too much on this French trip..."

- from the Girls of Pedally Towers Meet The Family

I don't know anything about what actually happened yesterday, or even where they ended up. I suspect being supplied with the answer to the latter Angers me...