Custom24
Über Member
- Location
- Oxfordshire
Railway museum is awesomeThere's choo choos in Didcot
Today's joke.
- Thread starter Globalti
- Start date
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Fnaar
Smutmaster General
- Location
- Thumberland
http://tmoliff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/didcot-n.htmlThere's choo choos in Didcot
Didcot (n.)
The tiny oddly-shaped bit of card which a ticket inspector cuts out of a ticket with his clipper for no apparent reason. It is a little-known fact that the confetti at Princess Margaret's wedding was made up of thousands of didcots collected by inspectors on the Royal Train.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
Xmas Vodka cake recipe.
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the
bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shoot shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the
bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shoot shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.
Attachments
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steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
The Duck
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the F#ck would they want with a plasterer ??!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying
really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"
Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says
...
"What the F#ck would they want with a plasterer ??!"
classic33
Leg End Member
Can you cook the turkey though?Xmas Vodka cake recipe.
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising fl
our.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the
bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shoot shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.
Attachments
martint235
Dog on a bike
- Location
- Welling
Strangely that was my thought too!
martint235
Dog on a bike
- Location
- Welling
Duck goes into a pub, "I'll have a pint please"
Landlord: We don't serve ducks in here
Next day the duck walks into the pub: I'll have a pint please
Landlord: I told you yesterday we don't serve ducks in here
Third day, duck walks into the pub: Pint please
Landlord: I've told you we don't serve ducks in here. If you come in here again I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar
Fourth day, duck walks into the bar: Got any nails?
Landlord: No
Duck: i'll have a pint please then.
Landlord: We don't serve ducks in here
Next day the duck walks into the pub: I'll have a pint please
Landlord: I told you yesterday we don't serve ducks in here
Third day, duck walks into the pub: Pint please
Landlord: I've told you we don't serve ducks in here. If you come in here again I'll nail your f***ing beak to the bar
Fourth day, duck walks into the bar: Got any nails?
Landlord: No
Duck: i'll have a pint please then.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you......)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're simply going through the change!"..
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you......)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late......delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're simply going through the change!"..
Attachments
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
Not a joke but made me smile while I was eating my breakfast in a cafe. A plaque above the hatch read...
I ONLY AIM TO PLEASE ONCE A DAY.
TODAY ISN'T YOUR DAY.
TOMORROW ISN'T LOOKING GOOD EITHER.
I don't know why, that made me smile ear to ear.
I ONLY AIM TO PLEASE ONCE A DAY.
TODAY ISN'T YOUR DAY.
TOMORROW ISN'T LOOKING GOOD EITHER.
I don't know why, that made me smile ear to ear.
Stephenite
Membå
- Location
- OslO
Tip:
Do not hoover/vacuum with headphones on!
I'd just finished doing the whole house before realising the bloody thing wasn't plugged in.
Do not hoover/vacuum with headphones on!
I'd just finished doing the whole house before realising the bloody thing wasn't plugged in.
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
My sister-in-law's husband does the vacuuming in their house. It's been his job for the 30+ years they've been together.
One day he said to her that he thought the vacuum cleaner was broken and needed replacing.
She said that maybe it just needed emptying.
'Emptying!?!?' was his astonished reply.
35+ years!
One day he said to her that he thought the vacuum cleaner was broken and needed replacing.
She said that maybe it just needed emptying.
'Emptying!?!?' was his astonished reply.
35+ years!
martint235
Dog on a bike
- Location
- Welling
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
Some people say making animals inhale helium is cruel...I thought...whatever floats your goat !!
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
I heard there's a Far Eastern container ship full if chocolate run aground in Dorset.
It's probably just Chinese whispers.
It's probably just Chinese whispers.
