Tour de France 2026 ***Spoilers***

[No Ta Doctor]

So, what made the 2026 tour really special? What was it that made Christian Prudhomme's chest swell with pride? What really drew the fans to the roadside?

Why, it was the 10th Tour in succession to have featured Guillaume Martin, of course! That's a cause for celebration!

Sadly for fans of le Grimpeur Philosophe he was 31st, his lowest placing apart from his 2022 DNF.

But, all the same, hurrah!

Who is this rider of which you speak? I do not recognise him. Perhaps you mean to refer to philosopher and enemy of the patriarchy
Guillaume Martin Guyonnet?

 

[Dogtrousers]

They’re people who came to cycling in the 00s and believed all the stories of derring do trotted out by the likes of Rapha and Rouleur magazine. There seems to have been a confusion between not starting racing when an opponent has a mishap and stopping racing when it happens.

Preaching to the converted and off topic I know, but it irks me.

Pidcock waited for Pog in last year's SB because it was in his own interest, he didn't want to wear himself out in a futile attempt to stay ahead. But if victory had been within his grasp he would not (and should not) have waited.

Did MvDP wait for Pog in last year's Roubaix? Of course not! He just muttered "this is how to ride the cobbles" as he disappeared off down the road.

Jonas waited for Pog on that descent 2022 because it was all over, and he'd won.

People moaned when Bertie attacked Andy Schleck when the latter dropped his chain and in that case they may have had a point.

Armstrong waiting for Ulrich was a deliberate flex. He wanted to rub Ulrich's nose in it when he beat him, which he did. That's my completely unreliable memory. I could be wrong there but anyway if you're holding Armstrong up as an example of sportsmanship you've lost the plot.

 

[phreak]

Preaching to the converted and off topic I know, but it irks me.

Pidcock waited for Pog in last year's SB because it was in his own interest, he didn't want to wear himself out in a futile attempt to stay ahead. But if victory had been within his grasp he would not (and should not) have waited.

Did MvDP wait for Pog in last year's Roubaix? Of course not! He just muttered "this is how to ride the cobbles" as he disappeared off down the road.

Jonas waited for Pog on that descent 2022 because it was all over, and he'd won.

People moaned when Bertie attacked Andy Schleck when the latter dropped his chain and in that case they may have had a point.

Armstrong waiting for Ulrich was a deliberate flex. He wanted to rub Ulrich's nose in it when he beat him, which he did. That's my completely unreliable memory. I could be wrong there but anyway if you're holding Armstrong up as an example of sportsmanship you've lost the plot.

Ullrich waiting for Armstrong in 2003 is arguably the most well known one.

 

[kingrollo]

Yes, I think you must have. I'll await your alternative interpretation of why Jonas was pulling a bunch of podium hopefuls around France even though they weren't contributing, why he went to the front on Le Markstein and why he had his team lined out pacing toward the foot of Plateau de Solaison when he crashed out. I'm sure it'll make interesting reading

Depends if you what you describe amounts to challenging Pog. YMMV

 

[M.R.M]

Will they though? If Pogacar retired tonight, he'd have one more Grand Tour win than Roglic. Heck, Vingegaard is currently level with Roberto Heras. I think we all know who the better cyclists are out of those pairings.

Well at present Jonas has 2 wins at the Tour + 1 Giro + 1 Vuelta. 4 total.

Say he wins 3 Giri and 3 Vueltae (?) to get him to 10 GT's with 2 Tour wins. I'm fairly certain he would be considered an all time great, first ballot hall of famer or whatever.

Say instead he focuses on the Tour and beating Pogacar (honourable), but does not succeed & stays at 4 GT's. I'm certain that will negatively affect the perception of his career down the line (outside of this forum 😉).

 

[Dogtrousers]

. I'm certain that will negatively affect the perception of his career down the line (outside of this forum 😉).

But surely perception outside this forum is trivial and irrelevant.

 

[Legs]

There is no random soft break transition stages won by Fabio roscioli or Sergey utchekov anymore

*Bruno Cenghialta has entered the chat*

 

[No Ta Doctor]

The Chronicles of Baptiste Veistroffer
The compete works of fiction. Unabridged, unedited, together in one post for the first time ever

******* Stage 5

"Hey, Baptiste! Absolutely sterling work you did babysitting De Lie on stages two and three. Really really appreciate your work, if it wasn't for you he'd have abandoned far earlier. Yeah, I know, but you haven't caught anything, so it's all good. Anyway, stage five is going to be hot and flat, and it's almost certainly going to be a bunch sprint finish, buuuuuuut we don't have a sprinter anymore, someone didn't manage to get him through stage 3.... So, you know.... Could you just ride 150km solo in the baking sun for us to get on the TV? Thanks, you're a star, great work you do, really appreciate it, we really do."

******* Stage 7

"Hey, Baptiste! My Man! Really, really loving your work! No I mean it, you're an absolute star! Yeah, tough day in the mountains yesterday, I know, don't worry, we didn't expect you to do any more than you did, it's fine. Anyway, today's stage is flat as a pancake - just a single tiny Cat 4 at the end so that should be easier for you! Talking of pancakes it's going to be hot enough to fry one on the tarmac, some people forecasting 38C in Bordeaux today, which is where you're heading. Anyway, another guaranteed sprint - it's Bordeaux, it always is! - but people are getting a bit bored of all the Pogacar mountain business, so how about you tootle along and give them a bit of a show of those lovely Lotto Intermarché colours for a few hours before the proper riders come in for the stage win? Love it, yeah, honestly, you're a star! Yeah, of course we can try and find someone you can talk to, no worries, understand completely....

Hey, Baptise! Got some great news for you - had a chat with the other teams and found out that little Portuguese team that's almost as desperate for a couple of hours on TV as we are, Caja something, you know the one? Yeah, well they've agreed to send a guy, great guy, Jakob something. Check? I did already. Oh, yeah, I get you, yeah, he's Czech. Does he talk French? Man, I dunno, you'll have to ask him. Maybe you can teach him some on the way? Anyway, have a great day out, really appreciate everything you do yeah. Talk later, au revoir!"

******* Stage 8

"Hey Bapti.."

"NON!"

"But we got that guy from Caja Rural again to keep you company!"

"Jakub? He didn't speak French and spent the whole ride telling me in English how much he wanted a cold Czech Pilsner. I will not ride with him again"

"But we got another guy too! And he speaks French!"

"...who?"

"Thibault Guernalec from TotalEnergies"

"Putain de merde! That useless French bastard"

"...Que? But you are French!"

"So? He's useless. [five minutes of diatribe about every other French rider in the peloton and how they're stealing a living, mainly from him] Get me some Danes and Norwegians or I won't ride"

"Fine. I'll tell Liam it's his turn today

...........................

Hey Liam! Hey, loving your work, great riding! Now listen...."



******* Stage 11

Another flat stage. Baptiste Veistroffer is wearing a fake moustache and attempting to speak with a German accent on the Lotto Intermarché team bus...

"Baptiste? Nein, I have not zeen him"

A little later...

"Hey Liam, my man! Great ride on the Bergerac stage, truly exceptional, love your work, you know we do! These flat sprinter stages really suit you and Baptiste. Now listen a moment, we can't find Baptiste anywhere, but some strange German guy with a moustache said you might know where he was? Lol, no, we're not going to get caught out by a prank like that - false moustache, haha, as if! Anyway, the break's already gone, but just pretend it's a potato right? What? Get out and hunt it of course, what else do you do with potatoes? Great stuff, great stuff, we've all got faith in you, au revoir!"


******* Stage 12

"Excuse me onion seller, what are you doing on our bus? They're Oignon de Roscoff? Oh yes then, I'll take a kilo of them from you, I'm sure our chef will be very pleased. Oh, you've dropped your beret.... Hold on, no let me.... Baptiste????!!!"

"Oh Baptiste, your sense of humour is so funny! What will it be next, the British Airmen from Allo' Allo'? So funny! I can't wait to see what japes you dream up next. You'll have plenty of time to think about it with 150km in the break today! Don't worry, we haven't got any of those useless Frenchies or that Czech guy who only talks about Pilsner this time, you've got all that time completely to yourself! Allez! Allez!"


******* Stage 17

"Hey, Baptise! Long time no chat! Good to see you again. Anyway, can you kick things off today? We'll give you a viking this time, promise. We don't expect it to go straight away, so you'll basically just bust a gut so that someone else get's a chance at glory, but that's cycling, eh?"

"Baptiste, my man! Great work there right at the start. No seriously. And hey, if you're gonna ride 150km solo does it really make all that difference if it's in front or behind the peloton? See you at the finish guy, don't be late! Au revoir!"


******* Stage 20

"Hey Baptiste! Love the false nose, very funny! I was looking for Liam but can't find him anywhere, did anyone check he finished yesterday? Anyway, we've got something special for you today, a big, big day! Check? Oh, got ya! No Jakub isn't up for it this time, not right from the gun at any rate. We've got you your absolute top pick! Yes, we've got you Jonas Abrahamsen! Yes I know he's better on rolling ground than actual HC mountains, but this is just for the start anyway. We got you a German and a Spaniard as well, proper serious riders! He's actually Basque, so if it rains he'll be great for the quick descents. And I know you don't like French riders, but .... What? .... No even you will like... You haven't even heard who yet.... Don't be like that.... It's Warren Bar.... BAPTISTE! That is not his middle name."


******* Stage 21

"Hey! Bapti... Woah there big boy, you don't even know what I'm about to say. .... Ok, ok, good guess, but you couldn't have been sure. ... What do you mean you banked on it? ... How much? ... €10,000! Well you'll be rich now then... €10?! ... 1000 to 1 on? P****** de m****! Anyway, get out there and show them all what we at Lotto Intermarché are all about! What do you mean, pointless wastes of energy? Any more of your cheek and I'll ship you off to Picnic PostNL. See, it wasn't that hard, was it. Off you pop"



Special bonus material! Here's Baptiste enjoying a quite solo ride round the Montmarte circuit in Paris

 

[mjr]

It made me quite angry. Which was probably the whole point of it.

This seems to very much a thing elsewhere on the internet, but thankfully less so here.

Angry people watch more adverts.