Uncle Drago's agony column

[Evil_Breakfast]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I managed to acquire a suitable coal scuttle (3.99 from Temu. No expenses spared) so I decided to drop it around with that woman up the road.

To further create a good impression, I invested in a 250g box of Black Magic and a bunch of flowers from the Texaco garage.

When I got to her house, I noticed that the bedroom light was on. So for maximum wow factor, I decided to climb up the drainpipe and surprise her at her bedroom window, with a box of Black Magic clamped in my teeth and a bunch of flowers sticking out from my jacket.

Just as I reached the window, I got distracted by a car coming into the drive, and I turned around to see that guy in the pink Reliant Rialto parking up and going into the house.

Then, I heard a cracking sound and the drainpipe pulled away from the wall. I fell backwards through space and ended up on the roof of the Reliant. Unfortunately, the aerial when up my rectum, and I am impaled on the roof of the Reliant, still with a box of Black Magic clamped in my mouth.

How do I get out of this embarrassing situation and what on earth is that guy doing in there that is taking so much time?

And how do I explain about the damage to drainpipe and guttering to that woman?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

That wouldn't have happened, if you'd bought Milk Tray......

 

[DCLane]

That wouldn't have happened, if you'd bought Milk Tray......

They're more likely to have been caught in the rigging, left dangling upside down from the crow's nest.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

How can I stop my friend from calling me Dave?

It's not my name and I find it really irritating.

Yours faithfully,
R. Trotter
Nelson Mandela Hse
Peckham

 

[Drago]

Dear David,

Probably best to just put up with it.

Aunty D.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to splash some cash in my latest efforts to woo that woman up the road. By the way, how do I stop my wallet making a creaking sound when I open it?

I decided to dress to impress, and I found a beautiful white suit in the charity shop. It was pricey a three quid, but I hope to get good wear out of it.

I washed the Hunter and fitted some new furry dice and a set of leopard skin seat covers. I gave the nodding dog a full service. With Des O'Connor on the 8 track stereo, what woman could resist a sharp dressed man in such a cool car?

I had made arrangements to take her to the pictures and went to pick her up. Unfortunately, I reversed over her favourite rose bush when turning. I don't think she noticed in the dark when she came out. I don't think she'll realise it was me when she sees it in daylight, what do you think?

The pictures went well and I was able to put my arm around her and feed her Rolos during the film, so some progress.

For some reason after the lights came in and we were leaving, she suddenly moved away from me and insisted on getting herself a taxi home. I couldn't understand what happened.

I now realise I must have dropped one of the Rolos on my seat during the film and there is a huge brown stain on my white suit. I think she must have thought that I had shoot myself and tried to distance herself from me.

Have I blown it? How can I explain this and win her back?

Also, what is the best way to get chocolate stains out of white trousers?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Anus,

I always keep a block of lard in my wallet. The lubrication easily eliminates the creaking noises.

White suit, freshly waxed Hillman Hunter, Dismal O'Connor...what chick could resist?! A good start.

Sadly, all ruined due a wandering Minstrel. You'd have had no such problems with a stick of celery.

The brown stain could be tricky to explain. Id simply tell her thet you went for a Forest Gump during the intermission and discovered they'd run out of Andrex.

 

[classic33]

Dear Aubrey

I think you may have given her your last.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Unkal Diggy

As I read through these pages, I have become increasingly depressed.
I searched for light, for hope, for tales of requited love. I also searched for the magic. The magic that will get me closer to Jo Blythe but alas, the pages are filled with poor unfortunate souls doing flips and twists and mangling their private bits to find a soul mate, to find balance, to find harmony and an end to the eternal misery of loneliness.

Having failed to find a wheel barrow with 4 wheels I found light at the end of the tunnel and this time (unlike the last), it's not the light of an oncoming train, it's the bright sparkling lights of... an Austin Princess. A real genuine, Austin Princess. The slight hitch though is that the engine is seized and the gearbox was removed (and most of the suspension is missing as well as the wheels and the braking system) but the guy who's selling it assures me that it is a runner and he has a brand new bonnet badge still in cellophane that he'll chuck in for free. Even though I have only seen a picture of the front wing, I just know this is an honest sale.

At 8 quid though, this is beyond my financial means and the road to the ITV studios in Manchester is blocked by impoverishment. Ever since I joined the communist party, my finances have been thoroughly compromised.
Years ago, the chairman of the local branch kindly lent me his Lada for campaign purposes and the club secretary found me sexy and irresistible. I courted for months. I syphoned petrol out of whatever jalopy I could in the name of equality and the cause. Pity the secretary's name was Dave. This I discovered in a layby on the A509 near Newport Pagnell.

I fear that all hope will be lost forever if I don't manage to raise the cash for the Longbridge love machine. What can I do?

Yours.

First name: sadness, last name: misery.

 

[Drago]

Dear Pinafore,

I can put your mjnd at ease about your lack of 7 og the 8 quid required to buy this wonderful piece of transportation.

The Austin Princess, especially the 1.7L with the automatic gear box and faded brown velour interior, is so attractive to the opposite sex that you would likely be dead, or at least seriously ill and hospitalised, from sexual exhaustion within a week.

You're a thinking man, not a man of fleeting pleasures, and Im sure that so much sex with different women would not appeal to you at all.

May I recommended something safer? A Ferrari F355 Spider now make even the baldest of men remotely alluring.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Pinafore,

I can put your mjnd at ease about your lack of 7 og the 8 quid required to buy this wonderful piece of transportation.

The Austin Princess, especially the 1.7L with the automatic gear box and faded brown velour interior, is so attractive to the opposite sex that you would likely be dead, or at least seriously ill and hospitalised, from sexual exhaustion within a week.

You're a thinking man, not a man of fleeting pleasures, and Im sure that so much sex with different women would not appeal to you at all.

May I recommended something safer? A Ferrari F355 Spider now make even the baldest of men remotely alluring.

I don't think the Revolutionary Communist Cyclists Club of Clyde Protagonists can cover the cost of a F355 spider.
Death it is then (but in a good way).

 

[Drago]

I don't think the Revolutionary Communist Cyclists Club of Clyde Protagonists can cover the cost of a F355 spider.
Death it is then (but in a good way).

Ask quietly and theyll sort it for you. Between their fraudulent expenses claims and propensity to not pay tax they have a good few shekels,saved up between them. If they seem reluctant just tell them youll go public with the photos.

 

[Pinno718]

Ask quietly and theyll sort it for you. Between their fraudulent expenses claims and propensity to not pay tax they have a good few shekels,saved up between them. If they seem reluctant just tell them youll go public with the photos.

Nope. I'd like to die in the way you describe. There would be nothing real about getting jiggy with a regional weather woman in a Ferrari.

 

[Drago]

There would be nothing real about getting jiggy with a regional weather woman in a Ferrari.

Not even Betty Mountain?

 

[Dogtrousers]

Dear Digger

I took your advice that the best place to meet charming ladies was on line. Now I've been arrested for trespassing on railway property. What am I doing wrong?

Yours etc.

Pete Waterman

 

[Drago]

Dear Pest Wateryman,

What am I doing wrong?

You're getting caught, you great lumbering oaf!