Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I was feeling better and had invited that woman up the road to go for drive with me up the A2. I had patched the rust hole in the boot floor and also bought new a nice, new furry dice.

She said no me. I was shocked. Do you think she is annoyed with me because I cut the side out of he washing machine with tin snips as I needed some sheet metal to patch the boot floor?

Now, I've just seen her go past in the passenger seat of a pink Reliant Rialto and there's a large cucumber tied to the roof rack. What is the meaning of this? Is she seeing someone else?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aubergine,

A reliant rialto, you say? So shes now got a cucumber, a pot of vaseline, and a new beau in a high powered sports car? You're going to have to seriously up your game to winner affections back.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Please tell me if I have done something to offend my woman.
I took her for a drive to a secluded lakeside spot i know of.
I checked there was no one about and when I looked back she was lying on a blanket. She was completely naked and next to her was the large cucumber and the vaseline.
She looked into my eyes and said "ok stud, do anything you want".
Fortunately my fishing rod etc was in the boot. So far I have caught 3 fish so I am happy but that woman just looks angry.
Some quick advice would be good.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Uncle Drago,

With an MOT due very soon, and myself still trapped stuck in the boot, I got that woman up the road to take the Hillman to get some tyres fitted.

The guy at the tyre centre was a bit careless with the trolley jack, and missed the jacking point. He squeezed my todger up against the boot floor.

This was very painful but did help free me from being stuck in the car.

The problem is that with an injured member, I am sexually out of action until I recover from the jack incident. I am worried this will cause that woman up the road to look elsewhere.

What can I do to keep her interested?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

A jack which you can strap on?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Please tell me if I have done something to offend my woman.
I took her for a drive to a secluded lakeside spot i know of.
I checked there was no one about and when I looked back she was lying on a blanket. She was completely naked and next to her was the large cucumber and the vaseline.
She looked into my eyes and said "ok stud, do anything you want".
Fortunately my fishing rod etc was in the boot. So far I have caught 3 fish so I am happy but that woman just looks angry.
Some quick advice would be good.
Yours
Mr Todger.

Dear Roger,

I think a plea of insanity is your best bet. Put your pants on your head, a pencil up wach nose and way "wibble" repeatedly.

Alternatively, pretend you prefer the company of men and make a pass at Auburge, although a) youre then no use to her, and b) Augustus might like it and leave you with an even bigger problem and a freshly vaseline'd cucumber laying about.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Please tell me if I have done something to offend my woman.
I took her for a drive to a secluded lakeside spot i know of.
I checked there was no one about and when I looked back she was lying on a blanket. She was completely naked and next to her was the large cucumber and the vaseline.
She looked into my eyes and said "ok stud, do anything you want".
Fortunately my fishing rod etc was in the boot. So far I have caught 3 fish so I am happy but that woman just looks angry.
Some quick advice would be good.
Yours
Mr Todger.

Hmmm

I would suggest that she is either hungry or cold
either way, you should go off into the woods and collect some stick
then rub 2 of them together really fast and make a fire

Then you can cook the fish over the fire and she can get close to it to warm up

I am pretty sure that will sort it all out