Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I was feeling better and had invited that woman up the road to go for drive with me up the A2. I had patched the rust hole in the boot floor and also bought new a nice, new furry dice.

She said no me. I was shocked. Do you think she is annoyed with me because I cut the side out of he washing machine with tin snips as I needed some sheet metal to patch the boot floor?

Now, I've just seen her go past in the passenger seat of a pink Reliant Rialto and there's a large cucumber tied to the roof rack. What is the meaning of this? Is she seeing someone else?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aubergine,

A reliant rialto, you say? So shes now got a cucumber, a pot of vaseline, and a new beau in a high powered sports car? You're going to have to seriously up your game to winner affections back.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Please tell me if I have done something to offend my woman.
I took her for a drive to a secluded lakeside spot i know of.
I checked there was no one about and when I looked back she was lying on a blanket. She was completely naked and next to her was the large cucumber and the vaseline.
She looked into my eyes and said "ok stud, do anything you want".
Fortunately my fishing rod etc was in the boot. So far I have caught 3 fish so I am happy but that woman just looks angry.
Some quick advice would be good.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Uncle Drago,

With an MOT due very soon, and myself still trapped stuck in the boot, I got that woman up the road to take the Hillman to get some tyres fitted.

The guy at the tyre centre was a bit careless with the trolley jack, and missed the jacking point. He squeezed my todger up against the boot floor.

This was very painful but did help free me from being stuck in the car.

The problem is that with an injured member, I am sexually out of action until I recover from the jack incident. I am worried this will cause that woman up the road to look elsewhere.

What can I do to keep her interested?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

A jack which you can strap on?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Please tell me if I have done something to offend my woman.
I took her for a drive to a secluded lakeside spot i know of.
I checked there was no one about and when I looked back she was lying on a blanket. She was completely naked and next to her was the large cucumber and the vaseline.
She looked into my eyes and said "ok stud, do anything you want".
Fortunately my fishing rod etc was in the boot. So far I have caught 3 fish so I am happy but that woman just looks angry.
Some quick advice would be good.
Yours
Mr Todger.

Dear Roger,

I think a plea of insanity is your best bet. Put your pants on your head, a pencil up wach nose and way "wibble" repeatedly.

Alternatively, pretend you prefer the company of men and make a pass at Auburge, although a) youre then no use to her, and b) Augustus might like it and leave you with an even bigger problem and a freshly vaseline'd cucumber laying about.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Please tell me if I have done something to offend my woman.
I took her for a drive to a secluded lakeside spot i know of.
I checked there was no one about and when I looked back she was lying on a blanket. She was completely naked and next to her was the large cucumber and the vaseline.
She looked into my eyes and said "ok stud, do anything you want".
Fortunately my fishing rod etc was in the boot. So far I have caught 3 fish so I am happy but that woman just looks angry.
Some quick advice would be good.
Yours
Mr Todger.

Hmmm

I would suggest that she is either hungry or cold
either way, you should go off into the woods and collect some stick
then rub 2 of them together really fast and make a fire

Then you can cook the fish over the fire and she can get close to it to warm up

I am pretty sure that will sort it all out

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
There is something I must tell you in confidence. I know you can see right through that Aubrey chap and his nefarious ways.
I seem to have got myself in a bit of a fix and feel that your sage wisdom can help.
First, I must make clear......I know you have my best interests at heart so accept that I must have misunderstood your previous advice.
So....... I took the cucumber and vaseline to a suitable layby thinking I would meet a nice young lady and mend my broken heart. I even wore a new pink thong
Well, I did meet a nice young lady though I did think it strange that she wore bright lipstick but also had a mustache and bushy beard.
She said we should play a game and put a blindfold on me.
Well.....2 things happened together. 1st was a sharp pain in my nether region and 2nd, would you believe the police turned up. What a coincidence !!!
So.....I am now in a cell with 2 problems i need your help with.......
A) I have a cucumber firmly stuck where it really should not be and the police refuse to help me and.......
B) what should my defence argument be.
Please help.
That Aubrey person must never ever know of my predicament as he will surely tell that woman up the road.
Yours
Mr Todge.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Uncle Drago.
There is something I must tell you in confidence. I know you can see right through that Aubrey chap and his nefarious ways.
I seem to have got myself in a bit of a fix and feel that your sage wisdom can help.
First, I must make clear......I know you have my best interests at heart so accept that I must have misunderstood your previous advice.
So....... I took the cucumber and vaseline to a suitable layby thinking I would meet a nice young lady and mend my broken heart. I even wore a new pink thong
Well, I did meet a nice young lady though I did think it strange that she wore bright lipstick but also had a mustache and bushy beard.
She said we should play a game and put a blindfold on me.
Well.....2 things happened together. 1st was a sharp pain in my nether region and 2nd, would you believe the police turned up. What a coincidence !!!
So.....I am now in a cell with 2 problems i need your help with.......
A) I have a cucumber firmly stuck where it really should not be and the police refuse to help me and.......
B) what should my defence argument be.
Please help.
That Aubrey person must never ever know of my predicament as he will surely tell that woman up the road.
Yours
Mr Todge.

Squeeze hard and make Gazpacho?

 

[raleighnut]

Dear Uncle Drago.
There is something I must tell you in confidence. I know you can see right through that Aubrey chap and his nefarious ways.
I seem to have got myself in a bit of a fix and feel that your sage wisdom can help.
First, I must make clear......I know you have my best interests at heart so accept that I must have misunderstood your previous advice.
So....... I took the cucumber and vaseline to a suitable layby thinking I would meet a nice young lady and mend my broken heart. I even wore a new pink thong
Well, I did meet a nice young lady though I did think it strange that she wore bright lipstick but also had a mustache and bushy beard.
She said we should play a game and put a blindfold on me.
Well.....2 things happened together. 1st was a sharp pain in my nether region and 2nd, would you believe the police turned up. What a coincidence !!!
So.....I am now in a cell with 2 problems i need your help with.......
A) I have a cucumber firmly stuck where it really should not be and the police refuse to help me and.......
B) what should my defence argument be.
Please help.
That Aubrey person must never ever know of my predicament as he will surely tell that woman up the road.
Yours
Mr Todge.

Don't worry, the Chief Constable will be along soon to demonstrate how he has dealt with the problem before...................You may get an invitation to join the Masonic Lodge though

 

[Dave7]

Squeeze hard and make Gazpacho?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
There is something I must tell you in confidence. I know you can see right through that Aubrey chap and his nefarious ways.
I seem to have got myself in a bit of a fix and feel that your sage wisdom can help.
First, I must make clear......I know you have my best interests at heart so accept that I must have misunderstood your previous advice.
So....... I took the cucumber and vaseline to a suitable layby thinking I would meet a nice young lady and mend my broken heart. I even wore a new pink thong
Well, I did meet a nice young lady though I did think it strange that she wore bright lipstick but also had a mustache and bushy beard.
She said we should play a game and put a blindfold on me.
Well.....2 things happened together. 1st was a sharp pain in my nether region and 2nd, would you believe the police turned up. What a coincidence !!!
So.....I am now in a cell with 2 problems i need your help with.......
A) I have a cucumber firmly stuck where it really should not be and the police refuse to help me and.......
B) what should my defence argument be.
Please help.
That Aubrey person must never ever know of my predicament as he will surely tell that woman up the road.
Yours
Mr Todge.

Dear Derek,

I've looked into your situation. It seems youre in a bondage dungeon and the police officer you can see are role playing.

Yes, in the crazy topsy turvey world of 2025 women have beards...and other bits...that they didnt have of old.

But fear not. It would seem a chap known as "the bear" is on his way with a tub of Swarfega, the gritty version, to expedite the your rescue. Well, I think he said rescue.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I took your advice to heart about losing respect by my rival having a high performance Reliant. I fitted my Hunter with twin Webers D40s and a polished alloy rocker cover. What woman could resist 1725cc of raw Rootes power? With my sports exhaust it really is quite something. Should I get leopard skin seat covers or furry dice?

As luck would have it, that woman up the road called me and said she needed run to Tesco urgently as she had mislaid her cucumber and Vaseline.

This was a perfect opportunity to demonstrate just how powerful my tweaked Hillman is. Unfortunately, perhaps those budget Chinese remoulds were a mistake as I don't think exiting a wet roundabout backwards created the sort of impression I wanted. What type of rubber would you recommend for such a powerful car?

As it was such a nice night, we took the scenic route up the A2 and parked in a quiet layby to admire the moon. Just as we parked up, a Reliant Rialto pulled in and parked facing us. He kept his headlamps on and it spoiled the moment. I feel as if he was following us to watch. What can I do about this stalker?

When I took that woman up the road home, she made me cucumber sandwiches, which was a bit of a disappointment as I thought she wanted the cucumber for something else.

Regards,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Cyborg,

A souped up Hillman Hunter is heady stuff indeed! That's how Richard Burton pulled Elizabeth Taylor you know.

Thats a meaty car with serious performance. Only the finest part worn Sliplop cross plies from the breakers can tame a powerhouse like that. For extra grip be sure to get 4 with all different patterns so at any given season of the year at least one will have good adhesion.

Your stalker is easily sorted. Hack his Twitter account and say something hurty about, say, Bjork and the Icelandic security services will have him away before you dan way 'luxury break for two st Guantanamo bay'.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Uncle Drago

I intercepted this correspondence. What I find most alarming about it is that Buzzweld is cheaper, lasts longer and is thicker apparently.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Dear Drago,

Kylie has invited me to do the locomotion with her on New Year‘s Eve. The problem is that I can’t buy any coal in time, and won’t be able to build up the required big head of steam for her. What should I do?

Accy