Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

You were right. I bought a set of second hand Indian crossplies and my Hunter is now much more predictable on a wet road. Driving it has really kept my reflexes sharp.

I decided to take that woman out the road out for a drive to celebrate. I decided to bring a nice bottle of wine in case I got invited it. I got a nice bottle of old Yugoslavian white wine from big Sid in the market, and I picked up a bunch of fresh flowers from the graveyard. I thought it best to create a good impression.

By the way, is Yugoslavian white wine supposed to glow yellow in the dark?

It was worth the expense anyway, as I did get invited in. It was all going so well, until the cork popped out of the bottle and hit her in the face. But she got over it.

Then, I was being gentlemanly and bringing in some coal for the fire. I tripped on a giant cucumber that was lying on the sitting room carpet and stumbled backwards and ended up landing in the coal scuttle.

The coal scuttle got wedged up my rectum and I am now sitting in casualty, waiting to be assessed.

How did my date go so wrong, and how am I going to explain having a coal scuttle stuck up my bum to the nurses?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Audi,

Yes, it is quite normal for Yugoslav wine from little known Cheng Shin province to glow in the dark. This is a sign of quality.

The coal scuttle up the jacksy is a real problem. It's going to be minus 5 celsiuses tonight andnthe open end is out of reach 4 feet up your poop chute. I hope youre pleased with yourself.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I seem to be in a spot of bother.
That woman phoned me up to say that Aubrey bloke had been bothering her, something about a coal shuttle. Anyway he has gone an left her so of course I took the chance.
When I got there the door was open and she was upstairs so I went in and stripped down to my thong. The room was a mess, a bruised cucumber and coal dust everywhere.
So I went upstairs and she was lying on the bed in low cut negligence and this is where things went wrong......but I dont know how!!
She clearly said to me "whoever gives me a pearl necklace can marry me.
Well, I couldn't turn that down could I?
Now how could I know she meant a
necklace made of pearls ??
So, here i am, on the pavement wearing just my thong and a bruise on my face
while trying to explain to a bobby.
Your words of wisdom are needed.
Yours
Mr Todge

 

[Drago]

Dear Toblerone,

You filthy little man! You dont need words of wisdom where you're going - you'll need a chastity belt and a big tub of soothing sphincter lotion.