Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

You were right. I bought a set of second hand Indian crossplies and my Hunter is now much more predictable on a wet road. Driving it has really kept my reflexes sharp.

I decided to take that woman out the road out for a drive to celebrate. I decided to bring a nice bottle of wine in case I got invited it. I got a nice bottle of old Yugoslavian white wine from big Sid in the market, and I picked up a bunch of fresh flowers from the graveyard. I thought it best to create a good impression.

By the way, is Yugoslavian white wine supposed to glow yellow in the dark?

It was worth the expense anyway, as I did get invited in. It was all going so well, until the cork popped out of the bottle and hit her in the face. But she got over it.

Then, I was being gentlemanly and bringing in some coal for the fire. I tripped on a giant cucumber that was lying on the sitting room carpet and stumbled backwards and ended up landing in the coal scuttle.

The coal scuttle got wedged up my rectum and I am now sitting in casualty, waiting to be assessed.

How did my date go so wrong, and how am I going to explain having a coal scuttle stuck up my bum to the nurses?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Audi,

Yes, it is quite normal for Yugoslav wine from little known Cheng Shin province to glow in the dark. This is a sign of quality.

The coal scuttle up the jacksy is a real problem. It's going to be minus 5 celsiuses tonight andnthe open end is out of reach 4 feet up your poop chute. I hope youre pleased with yourself.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I seem to be in a spot of bother.
That woman phoned me up to say that Aubrey bloke had been bothering her, something about a coal shuttle. Anyway he has gone an left her so of course I took the chance.
When I got there the door was open and she was upstairs so I went in and stripped down to my thong. The room was a mess, a bruised cucumber and coal dust everywhere.
So I went upstairs and she was lying on the bed in low cut negligè and this is where things went wrong......but I dont know how!!
She clearly said to me "whoever gives me a pearl necklace can marry me.
Well, I couldn't turn that down could I?
Now how could I know she meant a
necklace made of pearls ??
So, here i am, on the pavement wearing just my thong and a bruise on my face
while trying to explain to a bobby.
Your words of wisdom are needed.
Yours
Mr Todge

 

[Drago]

Dear Toblerone,

You filthy little man! You dont need words of wisdom where you're going - you'll need a chastity belt and a big tub of soothing sphincter lotion.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Toblerone,

You filthy little man! You dont need words of wisdom where you're going - you'll need a chastity belt and a big tub of soothing sphincter lotion.

I am forlorn, bereft and lost for all eternity.
You were my only hope and you have cast me adrift in this sea of iniquity.
Woe is me i say.....my woe container is overflowing.
I need words of help uncle Drago.

 

[Drago]

Dear Roger,

What you need is a good hard [CENSORED BY MODS - WE'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE ABOUT THIS DRAGO!] all over your feet, and your problems will be solved.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Santa Drags

I'm very conscious there are only some 355 days till Christmas, and I still don't have a clue what gift to get you.

Please help!

Master Grinch

 

[Drago]

Dear Matey Ginster,

A plain brown envelope stuffed full of banknotes is traditional, or an attache case full of cash if youre a flash sort.

 

[Pinno718]

Santa Drags

I'm very conscious there are only some 355 days till Christmas, and I still don't have a clue what gift to get you.

Please help!

Master Grinch

Parcel bomb?

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I've now got out of hospital and am on the mend.

The surgeon gave me the coal scuttle after he removed it.I have attempted to panel beat it back into shape, but I fear it may be too far gone. After I had hit my thumb with the hammer, in a fit of madness, I opened the shed door and flung the coal scuttle as far as I could throw it. Unfortunately, it went through the back window of a pink Reliant Rialto that was going up the Street. Should I just act dumb and pretend I know nothing about it?

So, in order to get back into that woman up the road's good books, I decided to replace the coal scuttle.

What features should I be looking for when buying a coal scuttle to impress a lady?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Australasia,

A coal scuttle to suit you will be slims, smooth, free, of protruding bits, and
Ideally well lubricated. It'd be well worth also ordering a length of rope to tie to it so the tug-O-war team can easily remove it next time youre hoovering naked and accidentally dall down the stairs and land upon it.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I managed to acquire a suitable coal scuttle (3.99 from Temu. No expenses spared) so I decided to drop it around with that woman up the road.

To further create a good impression, I invested in a 250g box of Black Magic and a bunch of flowers from the Texaco garage.

When I got to her house, I noticed that the bedroom light was on. So for maximum wow factor, I decided to climb up the drainpipe and surprise her at her bedroom window, with a box of Black Magic clamped in my teeth and a bunch of flowers sticking out from my jacket.

Just as I reached the window, I got distracted by a car coming into the drive, and I turned around to see that guy in the pink Reliant Rialto parking up and going into the house.

Then, I heard a cracking sound and the drainpipe pulled away from the wall. I fell backwards through space and ended up on the roof of the Reliant. Unfortunately, the aerial when up my rectum, and I am impaled on the roof of the Reliant, still with a box of Black Magic clamped in my mouth.

How do I get out of this embarrassing situation and what on earth is that guy doing in there that is taking so much time?

And how do I explain about the damage to drainpipe and guttering to that woman?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I managed to acquire a suitable coal scuttle (3.99 from Temu. No expenses spared) so I decided to drop it around with that woman up the road.

To further create a good impression, I invested in a 250g box of Black Magic and a bunch of flowers from the Texaco garage.

When I got to her house, I noticed that the bedroom light was on. So for maximum wow factor, I decided to climb up the drainpipe and surprise her at her bedroom window, with a box of Black Magic clamped in my teeth and a bunch of flowers sticking out from my jacket.

Just as I reached the window, I got distracted by a car coming into the drive, and I turned around to see that guy in the pink Reliant Rialto parking up and going into the house.

Then, I heard a cracking sound and the drainpipe pulled away from the wall. I fell backwards through space and ended up on the roof of the Reliant. Unfortunately, the aerial when up my rectum, and I am impaled on the roof of the Reliant, still with a box of Black Magic clamped in my mouth.

How do I get out of this embarrassing situation and what on earth is that guy doing in there that is taking so much time?

And how do I explain about the damage to drainpipe and guttering to that woman?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

You had better get that thing out of your backside quick or you'll end up with vanaerial disease.





I'll get my coat, don't worry.

 

[classic33]

Yoi had better get that thing out of your backside quick or you'll end up with vanaerial disease.





I'll get my coat, don't worry.

You going to help him out off his predicament?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

You going to help him out off his predicament?

He publishes any more jokes like that one he will be in a worse predicament himself!!!!