Uncle Drago's agony column

[Toshiba Boy]

O Drago, Drago, wherefore art thou,

I seem to have developed a troubled case of Shakespeareitis! Please, even my own true self, thinks I doth protest too much.

As you know dearest, sweet Drags, the course of true love never did run smooth. I couldn't find a horse, a horse! So, once more to the breach Dear Drago, once more!

Get your bass guitar and avocado out buddy, for, if music be the food of love, play on.

You see Drags, Juliet remains the stuff as dreams are made on, but, to be or not to be, that is the question.

Anyway, got to dash, parting is such sweet sorrow.

Bill from Stratford.

 

[Drago]

Dear Gill,

Hey nonny nonny!

Give it up. We all know the truth. It's clear you have a serial fetish for tights and those frilly neck things.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

Thank you so much for your help so far. I've now donated my darts and my fire breathing apparatus to the local charity shop.

I am considering taking your advice and going into politics. I am trying to style myself on my all-time political hero, Donald Trump.

I am currently looking through the Ronseal quick drying woodstain colour chart to find a good match for his skin colour. Do you think African Redwood would be suitable?

I went to my barber with a photograph of his Trumpness and asked the barber to do my hair like his but the barber couldn't stop laughing. I don't consider it a laughing matter. How can I persuade my barber to give me a suitable haircut?

I am also wondering where one might find a trophy wife to complete the image.

As far as policies go, I think if I renounce global warming and covid and promote coal and oil, I should get the votes of ordinary people. What do you think?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

Thank you so much for your help so far. I've now donated my darts and my fire breathing apparatus to the local charity shop.

I am considering taking your advice and going into politics. I am trying to style myself on my all-time political hero, Donald Trump.

I am currently looking through the Ronseal quick drying woodstain colour chart to find a good match for his skin colour. Do you think African Redwood would be suitable?

I went to my barber with a photograph of his Trumpness and asked the barber to do my hair like his but the barber couldn't stop laughing. I don't consider it a laughing matter. How can I persuade my barber to give me a suitable haircut?

I am also wondering where one might find a trophy wife to complete the image.

As far as policies go, I think if I renounce global warming and covid and promote coal and oil, I should get the votes of ordinary people. What do you think?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Anus,

Ah, the Donald. Now there's a man! Stands tall, all his own hair at 97 years old, still has the energy to make porn stars orgasm. Makes me weep tears of joy to know there are men such as he left on this earth.

Get yourself booked in at the spray tanning booth for a 17 hour session.

Hire a trophy wife. Doesn't matter if she doesn't fancy you as you'll be too busy having it away with Stormy Daniels to be interested in her.

You will need to promote fossil fuels and banish this ridiculous net zero rubbish. Next time you invite Putin round for supper you could get some tips from him.

And don't forget, death penalty for drug dealers, border wall to keep the Lancastrians out, and 10cc of bleach in place of covid jabs.

 

[classic33]

Dear Mr Drago

This is a very embarrassing problem. My 18 year old sister keeps borrowing my PVC thigh waders without asking , I think she has some sort of sexual fetish for them because I found a load of mucky photos of her wearing them. How do I tackle this situation – should I confront her about this?

Dave, Ilkley

 

[Drago]

Dear Mr Drago

This is a very embarrassing problem. My 18 year old sister keeps borrowing my PVC thigh waders without asking , I think she has some sort of sexual fetish for them because I found a load of mucky photos of her wearing them. How do I tackle this situation – should I confront her about this?

Dave, Ilkley

Deal Lily,

Can you please send me these photos for, er, research purposes? Only once I've perved examined them will I be able to issue my usual brand of sage and wise advise.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Deal Lily,

Can you please send me these photos for, er, research purposes? Only once I've perved examined them will I be able to issue my usual brand of sage and wise advise.

Would it not be better to put them on this website so you can get a poll of a number of opinions from ordinary people??

Hope this helps

 

[classic33]

Dear Mr Drago

Having recently taken up fly fishing for trout in my spare time (mainly weekends and school holidays) I am struggling to understand the AFTM system. I have a 9 foot rod rated for a #5 but would that be a #5 DT or a #5 WF? Should I go up a weight when putting a WF through it? It all gets so confusing Mr Dragon!

Many thanks

Jack Hartlepool

 

[Dec66]

Cher Drago

Un beau jour, ou peut-être une nuit, près d'un lac je m'étais endormie. Quand soudain, semblant crever le ciel, et venant de nulle part, surgit un aigle noir.

Lentement, les ailes déployées... lentement, je le vis tournoyer. Près de moi, dans un bruissement d'ailes, comme tombé du ciel, l'oiseau vint se poser. Il avait les yeux couleur rubis, et des plumes couleur de la nuit. À son front, brillant de mille feux, l'oiseau roi couronné portait un diamant bleu.

De son bec, il a touché ma joue. Dans ma main, il a glissé son cou. C'est alors que je l'ai reconnu; surgissant du passé, il m'était revenu.

Dis l'oiseau: <<oh dis, emmène-moi... retournons au pays d'autrefois. Comme avant, dans mes rêves d'enfant pour cueillir en tremblant des étoiles, des étoiles. Comme avant, dans mes rêves d'enfant, comme avant, sur un nuage blanc, comme avant, allumer le soleil, étre faiseur de pluie, et faire des merveilles!>>

L'aigle noir, dans un bruissement d'ailes, prit son vol pour regagner le ciel.

C'était quoi tout ça, bordel?

Cordialement,
Barbara, Paris.

 

[Drago]

Would it not be better to put them on this website so you can get a poll of a number of opinions from ordinary people??

Hope this helps

Just so long as it's a free website.

Dear Mr Drago

Having recently taken up fly fishing for trout in my spare time (mainly weekends and school holidays) I am struggling to understand the AFTM system. I have a 9 foot rod rated for a #5 but would that be a #5 DT or a #5 WF? Should I go up a weight when putting a WF through it? It all gets so confusing Mr Dragon!

Many thanks

Jack Hartlepool

Dear Jock,

Fishing is nonsense. Its like golf, a made-up pastime to act as cover so men can nip to the pub without their wives knowing.

Cher Drago

Un beau jour, ou peut-être une nuit, près d'un lac je m'étais endormie. Quand soudain, semblant crever le ciel, et venant de nulle part, surgit un aigle noir.

Lentement, les ailes déployées... lentement, je le vis tournoyer. Près de moi, dans un bruissement d'ailes, comme tombé du ciel, l'oiseau vint se poser. Il avait les yeux couleur rubis, et des plumes couleur de la nuit. À son front, brillant de mille feux, l'oiseau roi couronné portait un diamant bleu.

De son bec, il a touché ma joue. Dans ma main, il a glissé son cou. C'est alors que je l'ai reconnu; surgissant du passé, il m'était revenu.

Dis l'oiseau: <<oh dis, emmène-moi... retournons au pays d'autrefois. Comme avant, dans mes rêves d'enfant pour cueillir en tremblant des étoiles, des étoiles. Comme avant, dans mes rêves d'enfant, comme avant, sur un nuage blanc, comme avant, allumer le soleil, étre faiseur de pluie, et faire des merveilles!>>

L'aigle noir, dans un bruissement d'ailes, prit son vol pour regagner le ciel.

C'était quoi tout ça, bordel?

Cordialement,
Barbara, Paris.

Dear Bernard,

I'm afraid you've go pt rhe wrong column. This is Uncle Drago's Agony column, not Bill Eddie's Ornithological Discussion Column.

 

[Dave7]

My dear Uncle Drago.
Alas and woe is me.....Will my troubles never desist.
A simple mistake it was. I got on the bus and the driver shouted NUMBER 2. WellI thought it was an instruction so did as instructed ie had a number 2.
I was quite discrete and did it next to the single seat behind the driver.
He seemed to get really upset when I asked him if he had some spare tickets as I had no tissues.
I am sending this from my prison cell.
What do you think my best defence should be ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Poo Pants,

Just thank your lucky stars the driver didn't shout number 3!

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Draco

An acquaintance of mine has started subtly (most unlike him) implying that a dirty heinous criminal is innocent!!!
This terrible human - the criminal that is - has been selling all sorts of things from a scruffy greasy and unhealthy so-called cafe on a dodgy road in the North.
The street is notorious for all sorts of criminal activity over the years and has seen many murders, rapes and child pregnancies - amoung a very high number of overall criminal activity far higher than normal even in the most dodgy areas,
and through all of this one person has been watching on - and it seem now that maybe he has been a Mastermind and controlling the whole thing!!!

How can I convince him that the criminal needs to be sent down for life and his so-called cafe closed down and re-opened as a support centre for his many victims??


Until now I thought he would know better - he has, after all, a background in law enforcement!!

Hope you can help

Ann Oninamouse

 

[Drago]

Dear Alan,

Would this villain by any chance go by the name of Trump?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Alan,

Would this villain by any chance go by the name of Trump?

No no no - even the Whitehouse doesn;t has as many deaths, rapes, robberies, affairs as this place
(well - maybe affairs - allegedly)