Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

What a pickle. I told you life as a Conservative MP wasn't all smooth sailing.

Good news is that Huw Edwards has now quit, and the Beeb are on the lookout for a filthy pervert to replace him. The pay is much better than you meagre MPs stipend, and you won't need to fiddle expenses to pay rent boys make ends meet.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Auntie Dragonfly

I am in a financial quandary, and most urgently require your wise comments.

You see, I have received an email, out of the blue, which I'm so pleased I replied to, as a lovely gentleman, a member of Royalty no less, called Prince Oswaga N'Gunu, from a very posh part of Lagos, has just spent three hours of his precious time talking to little old me!

However, here is my quandary, don't ask me how, but the lovely Prince has told me that I've won £178,000,000,000,005 on a charitable Lottery that he runs in Nigeria, that, wait for it, .... I don't want you blubbing at this (like I did) .... helps to re-home orphaned and stressed nanny goats in South West Nigeria!

All he needs, to unlock this incredible, life changing amount of money (think of the bikes I could buy) is £10,000 from me. How unbelievably kind of him, as he said that normally, for such a large win, it would be £20,000, but my blubbing over the nanny goats, meant he felt sorry for me.

Now, here's the rub Auntie Dragonfly, I do have access to this sum, however, I can do it one of two ways, and this is where you wise counsel is sought:

1. My 103 year old gran, Dorothea Gertrude, had placed me in charge of her accounts and assets. I know Granny Dot wouldn't mind me temporarily dipping into her £3,755.78 savings, alongside selling off her clothes to that Vinted place. Some of them don't smell too badly of mothballs.

2. Whilst down at The Duck and Fleapit pub last weekend, a lovely local "character", Knuckles McFadden, took me to one side, and after only gently squeezing my left "ging gong gooley" with a pair of pliers, asked me to look after an envelope for him for a couple of weeks. When I got the envelope home, there was, and you're not going to believe it, £10,000 in five pound notes stuffed in there! Thing is, some of them had some white powder on them, it didn't taste like sherbet (to be honest, I was a bit hyper the rest of the weekend!).

Now, which route should I go, or, perhaps, half and half?

Squeezed Nut Simon.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Auntie Drago

We are all concerned about you, are you OK "oh wise one".

We await your pearls of undiluted wisdom.

Disciple TB

 

[Sterlo]

Dear Auntie Drago

We are all concerned about you, are you OK "oh wise one".

We await your pearls of undiluted wisdom.

Disciple TB

Auntie Drago's probably a bit busy now he's on the council, we might have to make do with Uncle Butler to answer the correspondence on his Lordship's behalf.

 

[Drago]

Dear Auntie Dragonfly

I am in a financial quandary, and most urgently require your wise comments.

You see, I have received an email, out of the blue, which I'm so pleased I replied to, as a lovely gentleman, a member of Royalty no less, called Prince Oswaga N'Gunu, from a very posh part of Lagos, has just spent three hours of his precious time talking to little old me!

However, here is my quandary, don't ask me how, but the lovely Prince has told me that I've won £178,000,000,000,005 on a charitable Lottery that he runs in Nigeria, that, wait for it, .... I don't want you blubbing at this (like I did) .... helps to re-home orphaned and stressed nanny goats in South West Nigeria!

All he needs, to unlock this incredible, life changing amount of money (think of the bikes I could buy) is £10,000 from me. How unbelievably kind of him, as he said that normally, for such a large win, it would be £20,000, but my blubbing over the nanny goats, meant he felt sorry for me.

Now, here's the rub Auntie Dragonfly, I do have access to this sum, however, I can do it one of two ways, and this is where you wise counsel is sought:

1. My 103 year old gran, Dorothea Gertrude, had placed me in charge of her accounts and assets. I know Granny Dot wouldn't mind me temporarily dipping into her £3,755.78 savings, alongside selling off her clothes to that Vinted place. Some of them don't smell too badly of mothballs.

2. Whilst down at The Duck and Fleapit pub last weekend, a lovely local "character", Knuckles McFadden, took me to one side, and after only gently squeezing my left "ging gong gooley" with a pair of pliers, asked me to look after an envelope for him for a couple of weeks. When I got the envelope home, there was, and you're not going to believe it, £10,000 in five pound notes stuffed in there! Thing is, some of them had some white powder on them, it didn't taste like sherbet (to be honest, I was a bit hyper the rest of the weekend!).

Now, which route should I go, or, perhaps, half and half?

Squeezed Nut Simon.

Dear Nutter,

1. Aunt Dorothea's crusty Y fronts should fetch good money. There's a new Mad Max movie being filmed and they pay good money for clothing with the post apocalyptic look.

2. Probably not good to get on the side of old Knuckles McFacden. Last person thet crossed him was forced to smell Aunt Dorothea's gusset.

Dear Auntie Drago

We are all concerned about you, are you OK "oh wise one".

We await your pearls of undiluted wisdom.

Disciple TB

Dear Tuberculosis,

I'm not doing so well, if I'm honest. Gemma from Find It Fix It Flog it has started wearing a T shirt under her blouse and I'm no longer able to admire her upcycled cast offs.

Auntie Drago's probably a bit busy now he's on the council, we might have to make do with Uncle Butler to answer the correspondence on his Lordship's behalf.

Dear Stelios,

Now I'm a powerful politician I have interns to do all the hard work for me.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I was born in the 1960s. I was always very sickly. I used to react badly to food additives and preservatives, such as aspartame and monosodium glutamate. Either they made me feel wired and hyperactive, or dopey and lethargic. I also felt unwell when certain sprays were used in the house: aerosols, fly spray, polish, deodorant, even air freshener. The touch of plastic made me come out in hives. Television used to give me migraines due to the strobing effect on the screen. People used to say I was allergic to the Twentieth Century, but I do not feel much better even now, so I think I must have been misdiagnosed.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I'm back on the road again but at 91, I feel I'm a bit old for this nonsense, despite having seven Spanish Angels praying for me.

My whiskey river has run dry and all I see is blue eyes crying in the rain.

I'm riding on the City ofNew Orleans with fifteen cars and fifteen restless riders. I'm dealing cards with old men in the club car.

I find it funny how time just slips away and I find myself having conversations with my walls.

I feel I'm crazy and I've got heartaches by the number. I'm tangled up in pretty papers and ribbons of blues. She's always on my mind.

At the age of 91, how can I find some peace?

Yours faithfully,
Willie Nelson,
Texas

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago
May I first point out my use of your proper and well deserved title. There are some on here (I won't name names) who I believe deliberately misspell it, shame on them.
You will be pleased to know that the woman up the road leaves me alone after that accidental exposed todger episode. To be extra careful I have started to wear string Y fronts......I found a pair in the wardrobe and tbh they are very flattering.
Anyway.......I need your advice as you are a well travelled man.
For this year's holiday I have decided to push the boat out, blow the expense.
So it's 2 whole nights AND I am going 2*.
However I can't decide between Blackpool, Morcame or New Brighton.
Blackpool is favourite as apparently it has lots of sticky rock, candy floss and girls wearing "kiss me quick" hats so with my new Y fronts what could go wrong.
Again, your advice as a well travelled man would be appreciated.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unkie Drags

I keep getting weird emails from someone called Dave 7, who seems to be "frustrated" that myself and others that seek your much sought after advice, use our personal pet names for your loveliness.

He has now resorted to sending me pictures of himself in what seem to be Y fronts made out of garden twine?

Could you advise how I should deal with this unwanted (although slightly flattering) attention?

Lord Tosh of Lower Buttocks.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

O Drago, Drago!

Wherefore art thou Drago?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn, "our" love, and we'll no longer be a Tosh/Tyred/Dave7/Yellow Fang/Classic 33/ Sterlo.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Drago

I always enjoy reading your wise and insightful advise to the member of our community

However, I am worried that I may be butting in where I am not supposed to be???

I am worried that this is not really a public part of CycleChat and is really a disguised hidden advise forum for Tory MPs and I really should not be reading this

Has the security system failed and let me through by accident??

Yours (but not literally or physically)

(name hidden by MI5 intervention for security reasons)

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I was born in the 1960s. I was always very sickly. I used to react badly to food additives and preservatives, such as aspartame and monosodium glutamate. Either they made me feel wired and hyperactive, or dopey and lethargic. I also felt unwell when certain sprays were used in the house: aerosols, fly spray, polish, deodorant, even air freshener. The touch of plastic made me come out in hives. Television used to give me migraines due to the strobing effect on the screen. People used to say I was allergic to the Twentieth Century, but I do not feel much better even now, so I think I must have been misdiagnosed.

Dear Elderly Fang,

I have been granted access to you medical records. Enlightening. It's not so much that you're allergic, more a case thar inserting TVs, pot noodles and aerosols of fly spray up your bottom while in search of sexual gratification is not good for your health, strangely enough.

Dear Drago,

I'm back on the road again but at 91, I feel I'm a bit old for this nonsense, despite having seven Spanish Angels praying for me.

My whiskey river has run dry and all I see is blue eyes crying in the rain.

I'm riding on the City ofNew Orleans with fifteen cars and fifteen restless riders. I'm dealing cards with old men in the club car.

I find it funny how time just slips away and I find myself having conversations with my walls.

I feel I'm crazy and I've got heartaches by the number. I'm tangled up in pretty papers and ribbons of blues. She's always on my mind.

At the age of 91, how can I find some peace?

Yours faithfully,
Willie Nelson,
Texas

Dear Freddie,

You're talking gibberish. Less wacky baccy, more cups of PG and you'll feel fine.

Dear Uncle Drago
May I first point out my use of your proper and well deserved title. There are some on here (I won't name names) who I believe deliberately misspell it, shame on them.
You will be pleased to know that the woman up the road leaves me alone after that accidental exposed todger episode. To be extra careful I have started to wear string Y fronts......I found a pair in the wardrobe and tbh they are very flattering.
Anyway.......I need your advice as you are a well travelled man.
For this year's holiday I have decided to push the boat out, blow the expense.
So it's 2 whole nights AND I am going 2*.
However I can't decide between Blackpool, Morcame or New Brighton.
Blackpool is favourite as apparently it has lots of sticky rock, candy floss and girls wearing "kiss me quick" hats so with my new Y fronts what could go wrong.
Again, your advice as a well travelled man would be appreciated.

Dear Mavis,

I like the respectful form of address. Keep it up.

Might I suggest Morecombe? Ernie Wise used to love spending a weekend up Morecombe, apparently.

Dear Unkie Drags

I keep getting weird emails from someone called Dave 7, who seems to be "frustrated" that myself and others that seek your much sought after advice, use our personal pet names for your loveliness.

He has now resorted to sending me pictures of himself in what seem to be Y fronts made out of garden twine?

Could you advise how I should deal with this unwanted (although slightly flattering) attention?

Lord Tosh of Lower Buttocks.

Dear Toshiba Tv,

A quick snip with your secateurs will sever his twine. Or you can snip the Y fronts if you prefer.

If you lopped off his winkie he would never again be allowed to live in Scotland as a woman.

O Drago, Drago!

Wherefore art thou Drago?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn, "our" love, and we'll no longer be a Tosh/Tyred/Dave7/Yellow Fang/Classic 33/ Sterlo.

What light through yonder window breaks? That is illogical Captain.

Dear Drago

I always enjoy reading your wise and insightful advise to the member of our community

However, I am worried that I may be butting in where I am not supposed to be???

I am worried that this is not really a public part of CycleChat and is really a disguised hidden advise forum for Tory MPs and I really should not be reading this

Has the security system failed and let me through by accident??

Yours (but not literally or physically)

(name hidden by MI5 intervention for security reasons)

Dear Gaybikerwindmill,

This is indeed the CC tory forum. Only the most raving right whingers are permitted to post here.

Best to strip naked, get yourself tied face down on the bed and wait for Keith Vaz to arrive to, er, exorcise the evil tory spirits from your bottom.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Elderly Fang,

I have been granted access to you medical records. Enlightening. It's not so much that you're allergic, more a case thar inserting TVs, pot noodles and aerosols of fly spray up your bottom while in search of sexual gratification is not good for your health, strangely enough.



Dear Freddie,

You're talking gibberish. Less wacky baccy, more cups of PG and you'll feel fine.



Dear Mavis,

I like the respectful form of address. Keep it up.

Might I suggest Morecombe? Ernie Wise used to love spending a weekend up Morecombe, apparently.



Dear Toshiba Tv,

A quick snip with your secateurs will sever his twine. Or you can snip the Y fronts if you prefer.

If you lopped off his winkie he would never again be allowed to live in Scotland as a woman.




What light through yonder window breaks? That is illogical Captain.



Dear Gaybikerwindmill,

This is indeed the CC tory forum. Only the most raving right whingers are permitted to post here.

Best to strip naked, get yourself tied face down on the bed and wait for Keith Vaz to arrive to, er, exorcise the evil tory spirits from your bottom.

Could I request Penny instead

asking for a friend

 

[Drago]

A penny up the bottom? My god, you are a blue blooded tory alright!

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am a deeply spiritual person. Spiritual is not the precise word, but I cannot think of a better one. I meditate to empty my mind. I try to erase feelings of egotism and trivial distractions. I want to feel an empathy with all humankind, with all living beings, great and small, on earth and throughout the universe. I want to grasp the stars, to fold the vast voids of spacetime in my mind. In short I want to become one with the universe, to reach a state of Nirvana, as the eastern ascetics imperfectly put it. I think a good first step to becoming one with the universe would be to become one with Lily James, but she keeps returning my letters, and now I have had another warning from her solicitors. Do you have any tips?