Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Unkal

Do you know that feeling of emptiness? (stupid question, I know). That feeling that you are in a blank space, there's no colour or contour - you know, like the colour and contour of Jo Blythe's lumpy jumper...

But then there is a moment, a light bulb, a bell, a kick in the scrotum of apathy and suddenly the emptiness slowly lifts and that song by wotsisface... Jimmy Cliff starts filling your head.

The source of the light bulb moment was an ad in the local paper - 'Bongo Bingo, this Friday'. The perfect environment for romance.
And so, this rising, unwavering, relentless, immeasurable feeling consumed me: I must get to Manchester and I must get to Jo before she diminishes to a size zero and I must get her to the Bongo Bingo and she could dress as Tarzan, me Jane... hang on, something is not right there but it still works out nonetheless.
Anyway, would you help me crowd fund a project to build a barrow with 4 wheels, go faster stripes, a vase for flowers and a Briggs and Stratton engine - the barrow to end all barrows, replete with a plastic rain cover, side car, a modern tape cassette player (for banging tunes) and the ability to scale Shap fell so that I can get from Scotland south?
Without your help, I don't think my budget of one pound and thirty seven pence (that's what the teller woman at the bank said with a screwy look) will quite cover it and I think I shall spend the rest if my life lonely...

Yours
Frowny McSadface

Dear Farty McCoalface,

You want one of those new E bikes. Being from the North you may find an Eeeeeeee bike easier to acquire.

Don't forget your balaclava!

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

You mean you want something like this?
View attachment 800085
The worlds fastest wheelbarrow. If she's not impressed by that you stand no chance.

Just needs the vase welding on

Oh - and cushion - the Ladies appreciate the luxuries of life

 

[Pinno718]

You mean you want something like this?
View attachment 800085
The worlds fastest wheelbarrow. If she's not impressed by that you stand no chance.

Can't be unseen....[sobs]. That would snap jo's deep Atlantic low in a nano second.

 

[Pinno718]

It would certainly be more fun if she dressed as Tarzan and you as Jane

it would mean you wearing a short skirt and a bikini top
but her outfit would look great on her

probably

Probably. I need better odds than 'probably'. Shall I go for the kamikaze thong?

 

[Drago]

Dear Pintsize,

If you want to impress the chicks then a well seasoned pair of Y fronts is the only way to go.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Pintsize,

If you want to impress the chicks then a well seasoned pair of Y fronts is the only way to go.

My mature Y fronts fell apart when I tried to peel them off.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Probably. I need better odds than 'probably'. Shall I go for the kamikaze thong?

I have no idea what one of them is but

a) I am not looking it up!
and
b) I suggest "no"

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to have another attempt to outsmart that Dave and impress that woman up the road.

ZZ Tops say a woman likes a sharp-dressed man also I picked up a lovely Fair Isle pullover in the charity shop and a nice pair of brown brogues. With my corduroy trousers and my Dire Straits baseball cap, I think I cut quite a dash.

I dabbed in the rusty spots on my Hunter with some Hammerite and it really looks smart. I painted the rocker cover in chrome effect paint to augment the under body view of my twin Webers. I gave the interior a good clean and polish.

I called around to pick her up with the intentions of taking her for dinner to McDonald's. I hope this isn't too ostentatious?

The first problem was that it was maybe a mistake to use GT-85 to polish the vinyl seats as she slid off the seat and got wedged underneath the dashboard.

I decided to impress her with my rorty Webers and chrome rocker cover. Unfortunately, whilst she was leaning over the engine admiring it's glorious induction roar, a HT lead popped off for some strange reason and shorted out on her blossom. A shock of several thousand Volts did not go down well. I hadn't realised she had her nipples pierced and a ring put in.

So now I am in the dog house again and I've wasted all of my efforts and the money I spent on the tickets to see a George Formby tribute act. How can I apologise and win her round again?

My Hillman also now has a miss fire. Could the short have damaged the coil? What would you suggest?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Augustine,

Removing her corset from the alternator belt should cure the misfire.

Might I suggest you get a motorbike. I undnerstand that going commando is quite a turn on, so a nice big Norton should get her purring like a V12 jag with an HT lead missing. Dress up biker style like that chap from the Village People and you're guaranteed to get some action at the truck-stop lay by.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to take your advice and get a motorbike. I couldn't find any Nortons for sale so I bought myself a lovely Honda C70. Do you think she will be impressed by this racy machine? I managed to get it up to 45MPH with a tailwind. Such raw power.

I also followed your advice to fix my beloved Hunter. Unfortunately, when I tried to remove the corset from the fan belt, the corset pinged off and hit me in eye.

Now I am sitting in casualty with part of a lady's corset stuck in my eye. How can I explain this to the nurses?

Also, I'm worried that woman up the road will be vexed when she sees the state her corset is in. I need a good excuse for this too. What would you recommend?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Autism,

No need to explain it to nurse Bernard - shes very broad minded.

The woman up your end is a harder problem to solve. That corset is a family heirloom, and when she discovers the blood on it shes going to be distraught. Unfortunately form you her son, mad Max the Axe, is due out on parole tomorrow and when he sees his old Mum crying I wouldn't to be in your shoes.

You never met me, I've never seen you before in my life.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago. Your wise words of wisdom are requested, if you have time with everyone's problems to sort out.
I'm afraid that once again I find myself in a prison cell. Why oh why does no-one believe me !!
Allow me to explain.
I was told that my love competitor aka that Aubrey bounder was otherwise indisposed so I hot footed it down to that woman's abode.
Well, she invited me in and was quite amorous ..... a bit strange though as she kept putting ice cubes down her bra while telling me she has had a shock.
She asked me to fetch her a fresh tray of ice but silly me, as there was ice all over the floor I slipped and my poor todger came a cropper against the table leg.
Long story short I ended up in A&E telling a nurse how sore my old todger was. Well here is were my woes commenced. The nurse clearly said to me "we are very busy, can you stick it out for a couple of hours".....so that's what I did. Sadly, after after sticking it out for only 10 minutes a policeman arrested me while muttering about young women and someone called Willy! My pain increased when he slapped his hat on my todger.... it really hurt.
So here I am and no one will believe me.
What advice can you offer?
Yours
Mr Todger (I wonder if I should get my name legally changed).

 

[Drago]

Dear Readers,

I was saddened to read of Rave's problems and had booked a phone call with the prison to offer some confidential advice.

Sadly it seems he's been taken hostage by Big Bubba, who has demanded a cup of tea, a machine gun, a wedding dress, and a tub of the gritty Swarfega.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Readers,

I was saddened to read of Rave's problems and had booked a phone call with the prison to offer some confidential advice.

Sadly it seems he's been taken hostage by Big Bubba, who has demanded a cup of tea, a machine gun, a wedding dress, and a tub of the gritty Swarfega.

Sounds like he is planning a musical number to try to help Rave overcome the shock of his imprisonment


Any suggestion of the film it might be from??

 

[Drago]

Any suggestion of the film it might be from??

Deliverance.