Uncle Drago's agony column

[Pinno718]

Dear Readers,

I was saddened to read of Rave's problems and had booked a phone call with the prison to offer some confidential advice.

Sadly it seems he's been taken hostage by Big Bubba, who has demanded a cup of tea, a machine gun, a wedding dress, and a tub of the gritty Swarfega.

'Gritty Swarfega'... I smell a rat. You are Big Bubba.

 

[DCLane]

Sadly it seems he's been taken hostage by Big Bubba, who has demanded a cup of tea, a machine gun, a wedding dress, and a tub of the gritty Swarfega.

Calling the CC approved wedding celebrant?

 

[Speicher]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to have another attempt to outsmart that Dave and impress that woman up the road.

ZZ Tops say a woman likes a sharp-dressed man also I picked up a lovely Fair Isle pullover in the charity shop and a nice pair of brown brogues. With my corduroy trousers and my Dire Straits baseball cap, I think I cut quite a dash.

I dabbed in the rusty spots on my Hunter with some Hammerite and it really looks smart. I painted the rocker cover in chrome effect paint to augment the under body view of my twin Webers. I gave the interior a good clean and polish.

I called around to pick her up with the intentions of taking her for dinner to McDonald's. I hope this isn't too ostentatious?

The first problem was that it was maybe a mistake to use GT-85 to polish the vinyl seats as she slid off the seat and got wedged underneath the dashboard.

I decided to impress her with my rorty Webers and chrome rocker cover. Unfortunately, whilst she was leaning over the engine admiring it's glorious induction roar, a HT lead popped off for some strange reason and shorted out on her blossom. A shock of several thousand Volts did not go down well. I hadn't realised she had her nipples pierced and a ring put in.

So now I am in the dog house again and I've wasted all of my efforts and the money I spent on the tickets to see a George Formby tribute act. How can I apologise and win her round again?

My Hillman also now has a miss fire. Could the short have damaged the coil? What would you suggest?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

It depends on whether your Hillman Hunter has a cast iron cylinder head.

Or is it a Hunter Super? From 1966 the Super had an aluminium head.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago, please advise my best course of action.......
That Bubba chap was really nice. He even gave me a bar of soap and said he would take me to the showers (i think he felt motherly towards me). Alas, before we could enjoy our shower the warden came to tell me I was being released due to lack of evidence.
Anyway, since my release I have had lovely phone calls from different chaps that say they are friends of Bubba. They want my address so they can call to see me with messages from Bubba. Isn't that nice, although the did both have deep scary voices and laughed a lot.
My problem is that I was always told not to give private information to people I have never met.
So, my wise and learned friend.........what do you advise as to my course of action.
Regards
Mr Todger.

 

[Pinno718]

It depends on whether your Hillman Hunter has a cast iron cylinder head.

Or is it a Hunter Super? From 1966 the Super had an aluminium head.

It was never 'super' and you definitely couldn't go hunting in it.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago, please advise my best course of action.......
That Bubba chap was really nice. He even gave me a bar of soap and said he would take me to the showers (i think he felt motherly towards me). Alas, before we could enjoy our shower the warden came to tell me I was being released due to lack of evidence.
Anyway, since my release I have had lovely phone calls from different chaps that say they are friends of Bubba. They want my address so they can call to see me with messages from Bubba. Isn't that nice, although the did both have deep scary voices and laughed a lot.
My problem is that I was always told not to give private information to people I have never met.
So, my wise and learned friend.........what do you advise as to my course of action.
Regards
Mr Todger.

Dear Mavis,

I can understand your reluctance to hand out personal information. There are scammers everywhere!

My advice is talk ot over with your family. Next time youre on the phone to your long lost uncle in Nigeria to give him you new card details you could perhaps see what he thinks?

 

[Dave7]

Dear Mavis,

I can understand your reluctance to hand out personal information. There are scammers everywhere!

My advice is talk ot over with your family. Next time youre on the phone to your long lost uncle in Nigeria to give him you new card details you could perhaps see what he thinks?

Now, that is excellent advice. I would never have thought of it.
You know, there are some that scoff at your advice but since listening to you I have avoided all problems. Well some problems. Well im sure things will improve as I continue to follow your advice, I think, I hope.

 

[Drago]

Thank you for your kind words Ralph. I owe it all to the famous agony aunt Eva Braun, who took me under her wing and taught me the craft of agony aunting.

 

[Moon bunny]

Dear uncle Drago,
I have a very urgent problem, I need to discreetly dispose of a blood-stained soaked mattress and bedding. I would take it to the skips but someone is bound to notice and get the authorities involved. Would fly tipping be a solution? TIA.
The Bunny.

 

[Drago]

Dear Mummy,

Divert attention by hanging it on the washing line and adding in a very loud voice, "finally lost my virginity last night!."

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago, why oh why can life not be simple.
My current problem is this.......
Me and that woman up the road agreed to give romance another chance. We both agreed not to let that Aubrey chap know.
I decided to give her a nice surprise so.......I bought a printer from the oxfam shop, took a lot of naked selfies and printed them off. Say it myself the ones with the cucumber were very fetching.
I took them to her house, walking past the police station.
When i got to her place imagine my shock to realise I had lost them enroute!!!
I retraced my steps but to no avail.
I fear the worst......what do you think will happen.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Roger,

Unfortunately youre no a centrefold in Gardeners World magazine. The indignant letter from Alan Tictchmarsh this generated is quite amusing.

Even worse, the obscene publications squad are on to you.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to pick up that woman up the road on my Honda C70 and go for a cruise, just to make it up to her for destroying her corset. I had made up some corned beef sandwiches and a bottle of ginger beer.

We were flying along on full throttle, trying to impress her with the raw power. We got overtaken by Granny Smith on her Raleigh which was a bit embarrassing. Have you any idea how I could eke out a bit more performance to prevent this from happening?

Anyway it was all going well until we went around the corner at high speed and I ran over a photograph that was on the road and lost control on the slippery paper and went down. These photos were everywhere on the road. They seem to be pictures of that Dave's private parts and him doing unspeakable things to a cucumber.

Anyway, the police have picked them up and are investigating. These things caused a high speed accident.

I ripped my best jeans that I bought from a market stall for a fiver. I also scored all the paint on my bike and that woman up the road laddered her tights. Can I claim for our damages from Dave? Do we have a case?

What can I do to make up for this to that woman up the road and make a good impression?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Anuerysm,

Its easy to pep up a C70. Either slip on a 90 head and barrel, or else stick the C70 badge and number plate on a Fireblade and pray.

Yes, you definitely have a case for compo from Derek, but you may find it a lot more profitable to simply use them to blackmail him.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I feel I owe it to you to keep you informed re my dilemma, after all, without your wisdom and advice who knows what my situation could be.
What i will tell you now is confidential ie that bounder and cad Aubrey must never know this.
Firstly, my case was thrown out of court.
When I took those naked selfies I confess to using photos shop to erhh ahh shall I say enhance some parts of my physique.....one part in particular if you get my meaning.
Anyway in court that woman up the road was called as witness number 1. When they showed her the photographs she burst out laughing and graphically explained why it couldn't possibly be me.
I was very embarrassed but glad that the case was thrown out.
Well, that is my situation and as soon as my shame lessens I will visit that woman again BUT it's vital that the Aubrey cad doesn't hear about this or he will be in there (to use a phrase) and steal my woman away.
Thanking you again
I am yours with gratitude
Mr Todge.