The Jogger
Legendary Member
- Location
- Spain
That probably would come under alternative medicine............Horsepiddle
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
14. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
16. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
17. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.
18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
20. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
21. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE?
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
14. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
16. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
17. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.
18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
20. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
21. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE?
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to pinkle off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
" Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
He told them to pinkle off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
" Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
SteCenturion
I am your Father
- Location
- The Dark Side of the Moon.
Police have raided a house in Wigan & arrested three men on suspicion of terrorism.
They are thought to belong to the splinter group I.R.reet
They are thought to belong to the splinter group I.R.reet
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left..
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally, CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left..
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally, CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood."
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Man who go to sleep in fireplace wake up feeling grate.
Crankarm
Guru
- Location
- Nr Cambridge
Where do chavs live?
In a chavenue.
In a chavenue.
Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
Bilbo woke up to find a new Tescos had been built next door - unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
Archaeologists have discovered a mummy embalmed with chocolate. They think it's the Pharaoh Rocher
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
How many Russell Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
The answer is: None.
He's merely suggesting change and getting people to think about the concept of change. He won't change it, but will create a YouTube channel challenging other lightbulb changers, create a tour called "Lightbulb complex" where irrelevant things are verbosely and eloquently discussed, followed by a finale which mentions going down on birds as if it's a new concept before you change any light fixtures or fittings. Make a tshirt about #Change and write a booky wook about Change - where proceeds go to helping some sort of hypocritical cause. Then when there's a current news issue that creates controversy in the world, he will wear a blanket and avoid the issue.
The answer is: None.
He's merely suggesting change and getting people to think about the concept of change. He won't change it, but will create a YouTube channel challenging other lightbulb changers, create a tour called "Lightbulb complex" where irrelevant things are verbosely and eloquently discussed, followed by a finale which mentions going down on birds as if it's a new concept before you change any light fixtures or fittings. Make a tshirt about #Change and write a booky wook about Change - where proceeds go to helping some sort of hypocritical cause. Then when there's a current news issue that creates controversy in the world, he will wear a blanket and avoid the issue.
mrandmrspoves
Middle aged bald git.
- Location
- Narfuk
No - actually it's conventional medicine - women are given it as a form of HRT!
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
If I had a pound for every woman who had found me unattractive, women would find me attractive now.
A teacher asked her third-grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also eats things. The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word.
The second boy said, "Predator Miss."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
"Very good James, that's a big word.
The second boy said, "Predator Miss."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
