Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
That's one for the Dad Jokes.
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
An English man, an Irish man, and a German decide to get drunk on Christmas Eve.
On their way home they got in a car crash which resulted in every single one of them dying.
All three appear in front of the pealy gates and st. Peter approaches them “since it's Christmas Eve, I'll give you all a chance to enter heaven, if you have anything on you right now that resembles or symbolizes Christmas then you can enter”
The English man pulls out a lighter and lights it “it's a candle" st. Peter lets him through.
The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bunch of keys and shakes it “it jingles” he says, and once again st. Peter lets him through.
The Irish man thinks for a while then pulls out a black pair of bra and thongs, st. Peter takes one look and asks “And what's that supposed to be?”
The Irish simply smiles and says,
“They're Carols"
On their way home they got in a car crash which resulted in every single one of them dying.
All three appear in front of the pealy gates and st. Peter approaches them “since it's Christmas Eve, I'll give you all a chance to enter heaven, if you have anything on you right now that resembles or symbolizes Christmas then you can enter”
The English man pulls out a lighter and lights it “it's a candle" st. Peter lets him through.
The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bunch of keys and shakes it “it jingles” he says, and once again st. Peter lets him through.
The Irish man thinks for a while then pulls out a black pair of bra and thongs, st. Peter takes one look and asks “And what's that supposed to be?”
The Irish simply smiles and says,
“They're Carols"
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a tosspot then!"
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a tosspot then!"
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
Seevio
Guru
- Location
- South Glos
I'm writing a newbook called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of definitive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions or explanations."
