Any good jokes ... ?

[Smartarse]

Out on a first date last night and he asks me if I've been married, any kids.
I told him I used to be married but I've no kids.
"Divorced?" he asks
"No, he drowned"
"Oh my God" he spluttered, "Recently?"
"Quite recent" I replied, "My arms are still wet"

 

[Smartarse]

Husbands are like boomerangs.


I hope

 

[Smokin Joe]

I nearly made a 147 playing snooker last night.

I missed the first red.

 

[PaulSB]

LSD aids weight loss in users.

Obviously. You can't eat if a three headed dragon is guarding the fridge........

 

[morrisman]

I bought an antique Persian rug off eBay.
It was advertised as being in mint condition.
When it arrived, there was a big hole in the middle

 

[flake99please]

My wife came in and wanted to show off her new Meatloaf underwear.

On the front it said 'I would do anything for love'.

On the rear it said 'But I won't do that'.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Glenn Campbell has died after a long illness which saw him lose half his body weight. He was like a nine stone cowboy.

 

[Seevio]

I spent my life savings on a vintage Rolls-Royce but I didn't have enough left to hire a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

 

[Smokin Joe]

Older people often wonder if there is life after death. There is, but it won't involve them.

 

[morrisman]

I was looking for someone to slice a lot of bread quickly, fortunately I found a guy who could slice loaves 4 at a time with an axe.
I look upon him as my lucky four loaf cleaver.

 

[Threevok]

My mate gave up his love of farm machinery, for a job in ventilation

He's now an ex-tractor fan

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Alan Frame]

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids, but when I got back home they were still here.

 

[Cavalol]

Was going to cook my wife a surprise Chinese meal for our anniversary, but her brother let the cat out of the bag.

 

[Smokin Joe]

A guy goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

"We haven't got any", says the owner, "But I have a centipede that can talk.

So he buys the centipede and takes it home. "Fancy popping out for a pint"?, he asks the centipede a little later.

No reply.

So he leaves it an hour and repeats the question.

No reply.

He's fed up now thinking he's been ripped off, he decides to wait an hour and give it one more try and then take it back if it didn't respond. "Fancy a pint"? he asks again.

The centipede replies, "I'm not deaf, I heard you the first time. I'm putting my shoes on".