Any good jokes ... ?

[wheresthetorch]

A woman decides that her sex life could do with a bit of a fillip so she buys some nice underwear, has her hair done, spends the day getting pamered at a health spa, and more than satified with the results she lounges on the bed and awaits her mans arrival.
Sure enough he is bang on time and upon entering the bedroom he is stunned at the beauty before him. He stands and stares. Finally he speaks.

'You look nice babe but would you take off your underwear.' She thinks oh yes at last he notices me.

'Now would you stand by the mirror' Even better she thinks.

'Ok love can you manage a hand stand against the mirror? She thinks, well unusual, but hey, this is more like it. So she does as asked.

He comes and stands close. Very close. A minute passed and she's getting tired. He hasn't even touch me yet she thinks.

'Babe' she says ' Are you OK'

'Yes love.......I was thinking of growing a beard but I've decided it doesn't suit me after all.'

Bizarre.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Judge: why did you steal the car?
Accused: to get to work.
Judge: why did you not take a bus?
Accused: because i don't have a license to drive a bus.

 

[Tim Hall]

These two lads stumble out of the pub late at night. It's a long way home and they have no money for a taxi. They walk past the bus station and have a bright idea - steal a bus. Joe waits outside, keeping watch, while Dave pops a window open and goes in. He's gone ages, but eventually there's the throb of a diesel, the big doors at the front of the bust station open up and Dave appears at the wheel of a number 24 bus.
"Why did you take so long Dave?" Joe asks
"All the 24s were parked at the back and really hard to get out"
"You daft bugger. You should have stolen a number 19. We could have walked the last bit from the roundabout."

 

[User6179]

I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.

 

[User33236]

Just back from the shops to buy six cans of Sprite.

Wasn’t till I got home I realised I’d picked 7up.

 

[User6179]

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

 

[Mr Celine]

They say I'm addicted to brake fluid but I can stop anytime.

 

[User33236]

I just got a Monopoly game for my birthday but the instructions are missing.

What are the Chances?

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Cavalol]

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

 

[Cavalol]

Sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say "how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made"

What do they want?..

A medal?

 

[Markymark]

I just got a Monopoly game for my birthday but the instructions are missing.

What are the Changes Chances?

Spell checker fail!!

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Got a new password that fits the requirement to be 8 characters.... snow white and the seven dwarfs.

 

[morrisman]

The secretary at work found her pet Tiddles dead in the office photocopier.

The police reckon it was a copycat crime.

 

[raleighnut]

What's the difference between a Turnip and a Swede,

Spoiler: Answer