Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by cisamcgu, 31 May 2011.
Viz has a wealth of marvellous jokes! IMO.
I wish I could speak French. Oh well, c’est la vie...
At the last christening I went to, the vicar was facing the wrong way. He was back to font.
A butcher is just about to close his shop when he saw a dog walking in. He tried to chase the dog away, but the dog kept coming back. When he was going to chase him off again he saw the dog had an envelope in his mouth. Curious, the butcher opened the envelope and in it he found a £50 note and a note that said: “Can you please send me with this dog 1kg of minced beef and 1/2 kg of leg of lamb?”
Surprised the butcher took the money, put the mince and the leg of lamb in a bag and put that in front of the dog. However he forgot to give the dog the change.
The dog started to growl and to show the butcher his teeth. The butcher realised his mistake and put the change in the bag. The dog calmed down, took the bag and left.
The butcher, impressed, decided to follow the dog and quickly closed his shop.
The dog walked down the street to the traffic-lights where he sat on the pavement waiting until he was allowed to cross.
He then crossed the road and walked to the busstop, with the butcher following him closely. At the busstop, when he saw it was the bus he needed, he got in, still followed by the butcher.
The butcher, now well surprised, saw how the dog lifted his front paws to press the bell to be let off the bus, still with the bag in his mouth.
Dog and butcher walked down the street until the dog stopped at a house where he left the bag by the door, then, going back a bit, he threw himself at the door, hitting it hard. He repeated this several times, but nobody answered the door.
Then to top it all, the butcher saw the dog taking up the bag again, walk around the house, jump over a fence and go to a window. Once there he tapped the window a few times, without letting go of the bag, then he returned to the door.
At that moment a man opened the door… and started to hit the dog. The butcher ran to the man to stop him and said: “Jesus, my friend, what are you doing?. Your dog is a genius!…… He is unique!”
The man, annoyed, answered: “Genius, my arse!! This is now the second time this week this stupid dog forgot his keys…. and comes back when I´m in the bath!!.”
A friend of mine said she doesn't understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us.
Why do skinheads get their footwear from Lloyd's Pharmacy?
Because they don't want to bovver Boots.
But don't skinheads want bovver boots?
You are not supposed to pull your crackers till Xmas day!!
Who hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
Just seen a sign in the butchers shop
That’s £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook
My girlfriend is a square root of -100
A solid 10 but also imaginary.
Not going to lie. I laughed at this far more than I should have.
Separate names with a comma.