Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by cisamcgu, 31 May 2011.
Yes please, pint of mild.
Ah yes, does it still say that on the back of ice cream vans?
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that"
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a
chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I never believed my grandad when he told me he used to be a council road worker.
Then, I visited him and saw all the signs.
My friend makes a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...
It’s like shooting fish in apparel...
A woman bodybuilder went to the doctor;
W: "I've been taking steroids and have grown a penis"
W: "No, just the penis"
My wife has been hinting that she’d like something black and lacy for christmas.
I’m thinking football boots.....
I recently asked my neighbours’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both of her parents, who are staunch Labour Party supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,
‘If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?’
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
Her parents beamed with pride.
‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her,
‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house , cut the grass pull the weeds out and sweep up. I’ll pay you £20. Then I’ll take you to the supermarket where there is a homeless guy begging for hand outs. Then you can give him the £20 to use toward food and shelter.
‘ She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ’ Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the £20? ‘
I said, ‘So you are going to be a Conservative Prime Minister then?
Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Separate names with a comma.