Any good jokes ... ?

at least i nailed the delivery

 

In the barbers when this old chap walks in. He explains that his skin is so old & wrinkled that he's having difficulty getting a really nice close shave.

"No problem!" says the barber, producing a smooth wooden ball about the size of a king size marble.

"Pop this in your mouth, and as I shave, roll it around inside your cheeks to tauten your skin. But be very careful not to swallow it. I had it from my father, and he had it from his father before him."

In a little while the barber had completed a fantastic close shave.

The old boy was very grateful. As he received his change, he asked the barber what would have happened if he'd swallowed the ball.

"Oh, when that happens they just bring it back to me in a couple of days", says the barber.

 

Take it from me, I have reverse kleptomania.

 

Whoever took over Mother Teresa's hospital must have the patients of a saint.

 

I went for a job interview, and they asked me what I thought was my greatest weakness. "Honesty" I replied.
The interviewer said "I don't think that's a weakness"
I told him, "I don't give a sh*t what you think"

 

My doctor has prescribed me some Anti-Gloating cream
Now all I want to do is rub it in.

 

It’s like Groundhog Day.

 

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The result speak for themselves.

 

It just goes to show that honesty doesn't pay. None of us seem to have got the job.

 

I went on a "legalise cannabis" march yesterday and the turnout was high.

 

I went to a saucepan demonstration, but it had gone to pot.

 

I wondered what happened to that.

 

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's an animal that lives in the outback and the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.