In the barbers when this old chap walks in. He explains that his skin is so old & wrinkled that he's having difficulty getting a really nice close shave. "No problem!" says the barber, producing a smooth wooden ball about the size of a king size marble. "Pop this in your mouth, and as I shave, roll it around inside your cheeks to tauten your skin. But be very careful not to swallow it. I had it from my father, and he had it from his father before him." In a little while the barber had completed a fantastic close shave. The old boy was very grateful. As he received his change, he asked the barber what would have happened if he'd swallowed the ball. "Oh, when that happens they just bring it back to me in a couple of days", says the barber.
I went for a job interview, and they asked me what I thought was my greatest weakness. "Honesty" I replied. The interviewer said "I don't think that's a weakness" I told him, "I don't give a sh*t what you think"
Yesterday I took a train from Paddington to Didcot. Today First Great Western have said they would like it back please.
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's an animal that lives in the outback and the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.