Any good jokes ... ?

[oldwheels]

Imagine a suitably plummy voiced yotty. MV Columba was our local ferry.
“Columba,Columba,Columba this Yacht Splinter, Yacht Splinter, Yacht Splinter ovah”
“Yacht Splinter what can we do for you over”
“C,C,C this YC,YC,YC what are your intentions ovah”
“Splinter we intend to lie alongside the pier over”
“C,C,C this is YC,YC, YC do you require us to move off the pier? ovah”
“Splinter you do not require to move but if you do not you will very soon be Matchwood,Matchwood,Matchwood”

 

[Mr Celine]

Theirs some horrible people about...

I heard a cat crying outside my house so I opened the front door and saw 3 men in Ayr Utd* strips playing football with it. I was just about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.

*Other footballing rivalries are available.

Can't think why you picked out RSPCA not SSPCA

 

[AndyRM]

Can't think why you picked out RSPCA not SSPCA

Damnit. That's a shameful error.

Although in my defence, I did not say where the game was taking place, unlikely though it is that 4 fans of relatively obscure football teams would be in close proximity anywhere outside Scotland.

 

[tyred]

 

[mrandmrspoves]

 

[guitarpete247]

View attachment 501537

If he really was from Yorkshire he'd probably have shorts on

 

[mrandmrspoves]

If he really was from Yorkshire he'd probably have shorts on

......Or if he was a postman!

 

[Cavalol]

Boris Johnson was visiting a Scottish primary school and visited one of the classes. The class were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Johnson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' ' 'No', said Boris - 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty bairns drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy' 'I'm afraid not', explained Boria - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' . The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Boris searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr Trump wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile an wis blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Boris. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

 

[Cavalol]

 

[CharlesF]

 

[Chris S]

View attachment 501607

that's better than shoot with sugar on

 

[Profpointy]

My friend just invited me to a Welsh soap opera exhibition.

I told him I'd Pobol y Cwm.

I had to read that several times since, as a Welshman, I was reading the "y" as "ugh" rather than "ee"

 

[postman]

No i said Flick the Gestapo.

 

[PeteXXX]

This Coronavirus.... Has every bug passed its fizzical...?? 🤔

 

[Chris S]

I had to read that several times since, as a Welshman, I was reading the "y" as "ugh" rather than "ee"

Just out of interest there is a Welsh Pink Floyd tribute band called 'Pinc FFloyd'
https://www.facebook.com/pincffloydtributeband/