Any good jokes ... ?

[machew]

[QUOTE 1714622, member: 76"]That's not good news at all! Total Cholesterol should be below 5.5 really, below 5 would be even better.[/quote]

A Total Cholesterol lvl of 120 mg/dL is as good as a level of 5 mmol/L

 

[Falwheeler]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.............................' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

 

[loadz]

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my Mrs. walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that bloody trolley over here, they're doing three cases of Beer for the price of two"

 

[machew]

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes

 

[Arjimlad]

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes

Been reading newspapers again have we ?!

 

[Smokin Joe]

A man phones his firm one morning, "Sorry I can't come in today, I'm too sick."

"How sick are you?", asks his boss.

"I'm in bed with my sister".

 

[Arjimlad]

Many years ago, a pal of mine told a lass in a pub that he could tell when she was born just from fondling her chest. She was so surprised she invited him to do so. After about three minutes, she got impatient and demanded an answer. "Yesterday" said my pal.

 

[asterix]

A Total Cholesterol lvl of 120 mg/dL is as good as a level of 5 mmol/L

Nah, don't get that one..

 

[dalewheeler]

A yorkshireman goes to the vet.
He goes into the surgery, "I've coom 'baht me cat, it keeps spraying piss all ovver"
Vet says, "Is it a tom?"
Tyke says, "Nah! It's in this box tha daft bugger!"

In a similar vein...
Yorkshireman in shop : "I'd like to buy some tights for the wife"
Assistant : "Sheer sir?"
"No"

 

[Matthew_T]

Two hunters are walking through the forest on their usual hunt.
All of a sudden, one of the men collapses on the ground.
The other hunter doesnt know what has happened so calls 999.
"Hello, 999 emergency, how can I help?"
"Yes, hi, my friend, he has just collapsed in the forest"
"Okay, is he breathing?"
"I dont know, I think he is dead"
"Well lets make sure he is dead"
"Okay..."
There is a long pause and then a gun shot is heard...
"Okay, now what?"

 

[smokeysmoo]

Conjunctivitis.com - now there's a site for sore eyes

 

[Maz]

NZ farmer is caught in a compromising situation with his sheep. Ozzy worker says to him "Mate, are you a sheep shearer?". Kiwi replies "No way, mate - git yer own - I don't shear moi sheep with innyone".

 

[potsy]

A Racist, an Adulterer & An England Captain walk into a bar...



Barman says :





"Evening John"

 

[col]

Conjunctivitis.com - now there's a site for sore eyes

Radio 2 listener by chance?

 

[col]

My mate reckons he always cries after sex, I thought you big soft twat, then I remembered he's in prison.