Any good jokes ... ?

[Electric_Andy]

I was going to do a carpentry joke but I wasn't sure if it woodwork

 

[mistyoptic]

I was going to do a carpentry joke but I wasn't sure if it woodwork

You could try it on a splinter group

 

[dicko]

 

[craigwend]

 

[Archie from BR]

On Christmas Eve I told the wife I was just going down to the shops.
She said " while your there could you get some Fabric softener, washing powder and some dishwasher tabs please"
I said to her " Can't you wait until you open your presents tomorrow "

 

[tyred]

 

[craigwend]

 

[mistyoptic]

A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers.

The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?”

The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer.

He then says to neutron while giving him the second beer, “For you, no charge.”

He then proceeded to throw the last beer into Helium’s face.

Helium didn’t react.

 

[srj10]

I'm teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop, he's not perfect but he knows the drill.
In a recent survey 99.9% of people who were told to "hold their horses" did not own a horse.

 

[Speicher]

Our local blacksmith taught his horse how to do iron work. The horse decided to make a bolt for the door.

 

[Chris S]

My wife said that I ate the last chocolate eclair in the fridge.
She's a liar. I ate it in the living room.

 

[Sharky]

Woman goes to the butchers and asks the butcher ..
- Do you keep dripping?

Butcher ..
- Yes, it's awkward, isn't it!

 

[Cavalol]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.

She’s Espanyol.

 

[Seevio]

Me: Did I pass?
Driving examiner: *swimming away* No.

 

[Profpointy]

Me: Did I pass?
Driving examiner: *swimming away* No.

There was a similar line in "Some mothers do 'ave 'em" where Michelle Dotrice asks Frank if there'd been any progress with the car. "I spoke to the chief frogman yesterday. He didn't hold out much hope".