Any good jokes ... ?

[AlBaker]

An aardvark went into a bar. The barman said to him, "Can I get you a beer?"
"Noooooo," said the aardvark.
"How about something to eat, then?" said the barman.
"Noooooo," said the aardvark.
"I don't mind you not buying anything," the barman said, "but please tell me why the long 'Noooooos."
"I was born with it," said the aardvark.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

They know how to do Valentine's down 'ere in Zummerzet 😉

 

[Dave7]

The postman closed the gate, turned around and there was a 10 stone Rottweiler with its paws on his chest.
An old lady shouts through the window "dont worry, just kick his balls, he likes that".
So the postman takes a swing and gives it a good kick in the balls. The dog yelps then growls.
The old woman says "you're in trouble now..... I meant those footballs on the lawn".

 

[Gwylan]

Rubbish - they are thinking about whether they locked the shed door where their other bikes are kept!

No, they are wondering the latest bike will blend in and not be noticed by the management.
The " looking after it for a mate " has already been exhausted.
No! Darling, that one was bluey silver not silvery blue like this one.

 

[tyred]

 

[Katana]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.

😂👏

 

[Mike Ayling]

😂👏

Nothing like recycling joke 1 in this thread!

 

[Katana]

Nothing like recycling joke 1 in this thread!

Sorry buddy that wasn’t my intention…I was just applauding the joke!!

 

[craigwend]

 

[AlBaker]

A woman takes her dog to the vet because she suspects it's having a hearing problem. The vet trims the thick hair from inside its ears and said to the woman, "Get some Nair and rub it inside his ears once a month to keep the hair from growing again.

She then goes to the pharmacy and gets some Nair. The pharmacist said, "If you're using this under your arms, don't wear tight clothing for a couple of days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

"Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't wear stockings for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it on my legs. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

"In that case, said the pharmacist, "don't ride your bike for a week."

 

[Chris S]

A man walks into a bar and orders five whiskeys and a pint of lager. The man has drank the five whiskeys by the time the bartender has finished pulling the pint.
The bartender says, "Wow! you drink fast."
"You would drink fast too if you had what I've got," the man replies.
"What's that?" asks the bartender.
"£1," says the man.

 

[tyred]

 

[craigwend]

 

[Chris S]

View attachment 800312

That's not too far from the truth. My neighbour's children coloured their cat's paws blue with marker pens.

 

[Dave7]

A warning to anyone thinking of buying a watch off Amazon.
If it says "you can swim in this watch" it assumes that you can already swim without it.