Any good jokes ... ?

[Profpointy]

Or not, as the case may be.

Mind you, don't 90% of drivers consider themselves above average

 

[Punkawallah]

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Harsh, but fair.

 

[postman]

A poll has stated that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,i sure glad about that i have never seen a monkey in Morrisons.

 

[Dave7]

A man is lying in a ward at Kings College Hospital in London, waiting to make medical history as the first person ever to receive a brain transplant.
The consultant surgeon wanders in, flipping through a clipboard and say. "Right old chap, there’s good news and bad news.
The good news is we’re ready to go. The bad news is that since this is a 'pioneering elective procedure,' the NHS budget won't cover the organ sourcing fees.
You’ll have to pay a top-up for the grey matter itself."
The man sighs. "O.K…. Alright, what are my options?"
"Well," the surgeon says, "we have three tiers available today:
The Engineer brain, which is £100 per ounce.
The Astrophysicist brain, which is bit more specialized, so that’ll be £200 per ounce.
Then there’s the Politician brain, the modt expensive option. It'll cost you £5,000 per ounce."

The man sits bolt upright, nearly ripping his IV out. "Five grand?! That’s mental!
“Why on earth is the politician brain so much more expensive than a literal rocket scientist's?"
The surgeon leans over and says
"Have you any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

 

[Punkawallah]

A poll has stated that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,i sure glad about that i have never seen a monkey in Morrisons.

And how many monkeys do humans eat?

 

[Ratchet Cat]

A poll has stated that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,i sure glad about that i have never seen a monkey in Morrisons.

There’s quite a few working there

 

[Windle]

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Having a couple of 'middle aged' rescue African Greys it's still a bit creepy sometimes when you hear someone elses voice coming from the next room. They mimic right down to the (previous) owners exact accent & voice 🫨.

 

[Profpointy]

Having a couple of 'middle aged' rescue African Greys it's still a bit creepy sometimes when you hear someone elses voice coming from the next room. They mimic right down to the (previous) owners exact accent & voice 🫨.

My ex brother-in-law had an African Grey, who could talk. He could also perfectly mimic the door bell and the telephone. He'd previously lived in a pub and his repertoire included all the noises of a space invader machine. All of this was done really loudly too. He did seem rather bored and unhappy, in so far as we can put emotion onto animals, so he was likely better off in the pub as there'd have been a lot more attention and stuff going on. Presumably due to boredom he pretty much destroyed their kitchen by biting big chunks out of all the cupboard doors.

 

[Speicher]

A poll has stated that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,i sure glad about that i have never seen a monkey in Morrisons.

I think the monkeys go on-line to order their bananas from Amazoo.

 

[Andy in Germany]

 

[tyred]

I had too much to drink last night and woke up to the sound of my neighbour mowing the lawn.

I was going to get up, and then thought to hell with it, he can mow around me.

 

[swee'pea99]

My ex brother-in-law had an African Grey, who could talk. He could also perfectly mimic the door bell and the telephone. He'd previously lived in a pub and his repertoire included all the noises of a space invader machine. All of this was done really loudly too. He did seem rather bored and unhappy, in so far as we can put emotion onto animals, so he was likely better off in the pub as there'd have been a lot more attention and stuff going on. Presumably due to boredom he pretty much destroyed their kitchen by biting big chunks out of all the cupboard doors.

Brings one of Barry Cryer's to mind, stop me if you've heard it...

A woman walks past a petshop and sees a magnificent parrot in the window.

She rushes inside and says, 'How much for the parrot?'

'£5,' says the shopkeeper.

'Only £5? I've got to have it,' says the woman. 'Why's it so cheap?'

'Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,' said the shopkeeper. 'And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.'

'Never mind,' says the woman. 'At that price, I'll take it.'

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

'New place - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

'New place, new girls - very nice,' says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, parrot says 'Hello Keith!'

 

[tyred]

 

[Andy in Germany]

View attachment 808339

For some reason I'm reminded of this:

 

[postman]

Oh lollipop men and women do make me cross.