Comedy one liners that stick.

[Slim]

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau on the set of a movie. Walter Matthau has a suspected heart attack and is lying on the floor. Jack Lemmon takes off his jacket, rolls it into a ball and places it under Walter Matthau's head.


Jack Lemmon : Are you comfortable??

Walter Mattahu : I make a living.

 

[Andy in Sig]

Tony Hancock's line in The Blood Donor episode:

"A pint! That's almost an armful!"

 

[Saddle bum]

"I thought my mother's cooking was bad, but at least her gravy used to moved about!"

"I jumped into bed and was asleep before the springs hit the floor".

Tony Hancock at this best, bless him.

 

[Yellow Fang]

"Hoover sucks but does not inhale" - Peter Cook on Have I Got News for you after they'd just been comparing J Edgar Hoover's and President Clinton's attitudes to drugs and sexual proclivities. How clever was that!

 

[Dayvo]

"Hoover sucks but does not inhale" - Peter Cook on Have I Got News for you after they'd just been comparing J Edgar Hoover's and President Clinton's attitudes to drugs and sexual proclivities. How clever was that!

Hmm, contrived, possibly!

 

[ChrisKH]

"I fart in your general direction! ""

Monty Python - Holy Grail I think (might be Jabberwocky).

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of Elderberries......I blow my nose at you, you English Pig Dog".

(Fake French accent tres importante)

 

[Bay Runner]

My Favouraite

Red Dwarf ;
SPACE CORPS DIRECTIVES

Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on production of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.

In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be granted to whichever officer can program a VCR.

Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.

Work done by an officer's doppelganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.

No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples.

To preserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts.

No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity

Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.

 

[simonali]

"I dunno if Stu is keen to, but if you want we could double-team you?"

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awUHtbUE0q8

 

[MacB]

"I dunno if Stu is keen to, but if you want we could double-team you?"

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awUHtbUE0q8

that's superb

 

[XmisterIS]

Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Homer Simpson: You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

Groundsman Willie: I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm madder than I've ever been before.

Homer Simpson: In high school I was voted most likely to become a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee.

Ned Flanders: Why you ... son of a diddly!

 

[Cubist]

Simpsons again, the class are doing a careers aptitude test:

Principal Skinner;"Do you prefer the smell of
a) Gasoline
B) french fries or
c) bank customers."

 

[Cubist]

[quote name='swee'pea99']"If I was a dog and had a face like yours I'd shave my ass and walk backwards."[/QUOTE]
Maybe a misquote, but I always thought it was :
"If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards"

 

[Cubist]

Sherrif to son in Smokey and the Bandit:
"There ain't no way you come from my loins. First thing I'm gonna do when I get home is bust your momma in the mouth."

 

[Crankarm]

Simpsons:

"Can the following staff, in alphabetical order, report to Mr Burn's office:

Simpson, Homer.

That is all."



Although might not be dead right word for word it's pretty much there.

 

[ComedyPilot]

Eric Morcambe in his PJ's before getting into bed with Ern', hears a siren and looks through the curtains, "He'll never sell ice cream going that fast!"

Edit: realises Hilldodger got there first - doh!