Comedy one liners that stick.

[Speicher]

I do not suppose that this announcement was meant to be funny, but at a railway station I heard

"The 10.15 train from Platform three, calling at all stations to xxxxx is (long pause) is standing in the Car Park."

It turned out to be a replacement bus service.

 

[plainlazy]

I dont know why that Gandi so famous ? he's only made One film !

Trigger "Only fools and horses "

 

[GentleBenn]

King of Queens!

Doug and deacon, looking through the kitchen window of his wife carrie's gynacologist's(spelt wrong?) house.

Doug: "oh my god ! The sicko,he's got vaginas in jars !"

Deacon: "Doug, they're peaches!"

 

[Titanium]

Emo Phillips:- "I considered donating money to Unicef... but then I suddenly thought why am I sending money to people the other side of the world who I don't even know, when there's poor, wretched, needy people in my own back yard?? So I spent the money on a new fence".

 

[skudupnorth]

"It's only a flesh wound" Holy Grail again
"Badgers spleens,wolf nipple chips,get them while they are hot","Are you the Peoples front of Judea ? F... Off ,there's the Peoples front of Judea...SPLITTER !" Life of Brian.

"Feck,drink,Nuns" Father Ted

 

[swee'pea99]

"Some people sleep with their baby in bed with them, but I think that's a bad idea, 'cos you can roll over onto them in the middle of the night...and really put your back out."
- Lily Savage

 

[goo_mason]

Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken

 

[goo_mason]

Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

 

[skudupnorth]

Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

Ah,Go on,go on,go on,go on......

 

[TheDoctor]

Not a one liner, but hilarious!!
WARNING - NSFW and somewhat loud

In fact, really really NSFW and potential career limiting move, to say the least...

Actually, I've thought better of it. Sorry.

 

[Titanium]

Steven Wright: I woke up this morning and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

My girlfriend said to me 'Let me ask you something, if you could know exactly how and when you were going to die - would you want to know?'
I said 'No.'
She said 'Oh, forget it then.'

 

[Crankarm]

Basil F on Manuel : "I'm awfully sorry, he's from Barcelona...."

 

[twowheelsgood]

Just what is occasional furniture the rest of the time?

 

[paddy01]

"I told you I was ill" - Spike Milligans headstone.

 

[yenrod]

> Comedy one liners that stick.

'Uncle knobhead' - Peter Kay

..or another......

Garlic Bread - comes to mind whenever I see/come across this in my life...