Divorce

[Puddles]

The only couple of pieces of advice I can give is talk to people and if you need help or someone to listen tell people. People are amazing when you tell them "I need help". I don't need to bore you with all the details of my situation 10 years ago but... I used to cry myself to sleep and wake up and cry.. I knew it was getting better when I no longer woke up and cried. I was also told find your anger and use it to get done what you need to get done, solicitors, finances etc and then let go of the anger and when I asked what am I supposed to tell my son when he is grown (he was 6 weeks old) I was told that "his Mother was strong and she did what she needed to do to survive" he needed a happy, healthy, stable Mummy and so I clung to that as my mantra and I fought tooth and nail emotionally to become that.

You have said you have young adults and you are supposed to be looking after them, if that has to be your reason to dig down and find the strenght then let that be the reason, so find that anger that will give you the strength to do what you need to do to ensure you and your boys are happy, healthy & stable, and then get rid of the anger, be that example and the man they aspire to be.

 

[raleighnut]

Sorry to hear this, like others have said try to stay off the drink.

 

[Flick of the Elbow]

Awful news, I'm afraid I can only offer my sympathy and best wishes.

 

[mooseracer]

Tough times for you, and a really difficult thing to have to face up to. A lot of us seem to have been in similar situations and are proof that things do get better - maybe not today, tomorrow, this month or even this year....but they will. Personally I don't think there is much point trying to "man up" right now, you need to try and accept what is happening and deal with it the best you can - if having a drink helps you have a good cry for a while then that's fine, it's all part of grieving - booze isn't in any shape or form a long-term 'fix' but if right now it helps your emotions come out then that's just fine, as those emotions need to come out.
As someone else mentioned, at some stage you will find the thing in your life that makes you keep going, makes you start taking control of your life and making positive steps again, but for now accept how painful this is and deal with it the best you can.

I really do wish you well.

 

[Broughtonblue]

So went to bed crying, woke up crying

 

[Levo-Lon]

I cried uncontrollably for a week when my brother was killed, its good for you ,dont feel ashamed or weak.
you had a sleep so try and be positive and make a start on where You want to be.
its a big thing your facing but it will improve once you have sat down and talked through things.

 

[Spoked Wheels]

I've never been through a divorce so I don't know how that feels but I can only imagine that after 35 years of marriage that would be painful.

I have to say that if that happened to me I;d have to ask myself if I did anything to provoke my wife to leave me. I don't think I would be able to move on if I didn't understand why she left me, I mean, after so many years of marriage one should know the other half pretty well to be surprised in that way, unless, of course, I've been ignoring her.

I would try to find out the reason/s why she left you. If it turns out it wasn't your fault then you would have a clear conscious that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it but if not then maybe there is something for you to think about and maybe something to learn.

 

[Geoff Crowther]

So went to bed crying, woke up crying

It seems to be decent weather. Get out on your bike mate. It'll be a start; give you something else to focus on and exercise is VERY good for you, mentally as well as physically.
Hope you have a better day.

 

[Sara_H]

@Broughtonblue - hope you're not feeling too hungover this morning. How much vodka did you neck on the end?

Try and get out for a ride or a walk this morning, it'll do you a world of good.

 

[Arrowfoot]

What a dick I am, just listened to 'please don't go' by kc and the sunshine band, this mixed with alcohol has left me feeling very bad at the mo, uncontrollable waterworks from the eye department.

I am beginning to feel you are looking for sympathy and not advice or not sure what you want. Plenty of good advice and the sharing of their experiences from folks here some of it was must be painful but absolutely appreciated.

This is what you need to do today

• Go for a long ride but make sure you are geared as though it is your normal Sunday ride and you are going to enjoy it. Bring along a pen and small notebook
• Halfway mark, find a small cafe, quite corner , order a nice cuppa and a bite ( away from home is better)
• Start putting words down - one page for what you should not do (bad) and one page you must do (good)
• Bad Page
  • I will not look for sympathy - I have to be strong
  • I will not drink or find refuge is something that does not help in anyway
  • I will no longer talk of despair or go on an emotional roller coaster.
  • I will not do anything like giving away my entitlement, my share, my hard earned assets hoping for Karma to reward me
• Good Page
  • Man-up - it is a crisis but it need not turn into an emotional crisis
  • Call your 2 sons immediately after your return. Remember she left you and the kids can work it out
  • Identify a Solicitor - more important than any counsellor or GP. A solicitor is actually paid to take your side.
  • Take charge - on everything.

 

[buggi]

Mate... STOP CRYING

Seriously, you are confusing your brain when you cry and getting yourself in a panic. And I know exactly where you are, feeling like you can't friggin breath but you have to stop crying and take some really deep breaths and calm yourself.

Go and see a solicitor this week because the money situation is not as bad as you think. There are plenty of options to work something out. The reason you are panicking is because you haven't found out what they are yet. Obviously after 30 years this feeling is alien to you but trust us, we've been there, you will come out the other side ok, and be a better person for it but for today you need to stop panicking and get out the house (go out on you're bike, it will help calm your emotions).

Your kids are 20 & 21. Not 6. They will be absolutely fine.

 

[shouldbeinbed]

I don't want the capital, if I walk away with any substantial amount I will just give half each to my kids, after all it is their inheritance

No it isn't it is your money, for you, for when you need it and you might do pretty soon.

Whatever may or may not be left when you are no longer here is their inheritance. Put the boot on the older generations foot, would you want or expect your parents to live out the rest of their lives scrimping along on the breadline and worrying about paying the bills just so you get a chunk of cash when they're no longer here, or would you rather know they're as happy and well off as they can be enjoying whatever savings and pension they've managed to accrue? It's a conversation me and siblings have had on more than one occasion with our mum. Your money, spend it and make us happy telling us about it, don't make us worry by telling me you're cooking a tin of beans over a candle to save us an inheritance.

I know it is hard to be selfish as a good & loving parent, I'm a dad of 3 and love them all more than anything else in the world, but your kids futures do not need to be your most immediate concern right now, you seem to be displacing a lot of angst onto them, again I can understand from my own issues, I made a lovely friendship hellish for us both, and it never recovered, by fixating on trivial aspects of that to hide from the huge monsters terrifying my mind, in hindsight the worst thing I could ever do, it prolonged my real agonies and now with all of those things long behind me is the thing I still haven't been able to fix and it hurts. Please focus on you and the practicalities of your here and now to be sure that you & they are still close enough to have share whatever thoughts on their future when times are better and they can come to the fore again.

 

[TVC]

Morning Broughtonbike. Right lets get practical. You are stuck in this destructive whirlpool and you are not going to get out unless you have the strength to grab the lifebelts that people throw you, and kick like feck to escape.

The first thing you need is fuel, your brain will not work properly without it. Please eat this morning.

From your forum name I assume you are south of Leicester. Palmers Garden Centres at both Enderby and Ullesthorpe do excellent full English breakfasts, and decent tea. Grab a paper or magazine and treat yourself, followed by a gentle walk in fresh air whilst you digest. Getting your blood sugars back in balance will make a huge difference.

 

[User10119]

Mate... STOP CRYING
Go and see a solicitor this week because the money situation is not as bad as you think. There are plenty of options to work something out. The reason you are panicking is because you haven't found out what they are yet. Obviously after 30 years this feeling is alien to you but trust us, we've been there, you will come out the other side ok, and be a better person for it but for today you need to stop panicking and get out the house (go out in you're bike)
Your kids are 20 & 21. Not 6.

Other than to say that I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal to feel bloody miserable and to cry, because it is a crappy thing to happen in your life and it is normal to grieve, I have to say I agree with that.

At the moment you are reacting to what you _fear_ your situation could be, financially and so on. The reality of separation is that two homes/households cost more than one, so it is pretty common that people experience some downsizing - but it is entirely possible that the practicalities aren't as bad as you fear. Many solicitors will do a free half hour initial chat. Knowledge is power, and taking some control of the practical stuff can be a really helpful thing. And then you can work out how to deal with the actual problems (because there almost inevitable are some, although that doesn't mean they can't be solved) re finance and housing, rather than feeling terrified of what those problems might be.

(Of course, in my case one of the reasons for the split was that he couldn't stand my dreadful, soul-destroying pragmatism. That, and riding my bike too much. Sometimes in the company of people with Y chromosomes. Although funnily enough said pragmatism still seems to be quite an important factor, 3 years down the line and with a complex shared care arrangement for the kids, in making sure the wheels don't fall off the whole bus...)

 

[ScotiaLass]

Morning BB.
Do I have to put my nursey hat on?
As previously said, eat something.
Get out and much as you don't want to deal with this, get your practical head on!
Seek support from your boys, they aren't small children...they will cope and I am sure they love you and will want YOU to cope too!