Divorce

[Broughtonblue]

I haven't read through all the posts here, buddy. I wish you all the best. It is a very hard thing you are going through. Your head isn't making the best decisions at the moment because of the emotional turmoil. I have been in a similar situation. Not married, but gf of many years suddenly decided to split up, out of the blue. I was totally devasted, blubbering all over the place for days - at work, in crowded public places, anywhere and anytime. And, i'm not small either, so nobody came near me. I was a total effing mess for ages. But, it doesn't have to be like this for you.

People are the best thing ever. Your sons are your best friends. Tell them what's happening to you. It's total bollocks to keep them out of the groove. My dad told me he and my mam were splitting up weeks after i had come to terms with it. But i was 30, not 20. Even though, kids aren't stupid. And besides that you need their support and love. You need as much love and support as you can get right now.

I got as far as @buggi 's early post about getting the financial things in order, etc, and some of the responses to it. @buggi 's post (don't know her by the way) makes sense.

I think this could be the making of you. Hard as it may sound.

Grown up children, 48 years-old, some capital, seeking adventure!

I don't want the capital, if I walk away with any substantial amount I will just give half each to my kids, after all it is their inheritance

 

[Hip Priest]

There's always some one worse off than you, so stop feeling sorry for yourself. Enjoy what you have, not what you don't.

Why don't you just fark off?

 

[Broughtonblue]

Ha just remembered, leicester are on bbc at lunchtime, although as a season ticket holder watching some of the stuff they've served up this season, it's gonna lead to another depressing afternoon

 

[Stephenite]

Don't panic, @Broughtonblue. Time to lean on people. As people have leaned on you before in the past.. Your boys are going to be fine. It's about being open and honest now, i think.

 

[classic33]

So that's it on the sleep front then I think, couple of hours. What to do with the next 16 or 17 hrs before I can have another go

You're body will demand more, if your not used to less anyway. And it'll just refuse to work at full capacity until its had what it wants, sleep/restwise.

 

[classic33]

I don't want the capital, if I walk away with any substantial amount I will just give half each to my kids, after all it is their inheritance

Put what you do get towards another home. At least that way you'll be able to carry on providing a place for them to stay.

 

[Broughtonblue]

Put what you do get towards another home. At least that way you'll be able to carry on providing a place for them to stay.

Easy said, even if I have £50k it means taking out a mortgage of poss £80k, couldn't afford it on my wage, that's if I even have one in April!

 

[vernon]

There's always some one worse off than you, so stop feeling sorry for yourself. Enjoy what you have, not what you don't.

Remind yourself that you need to pay more attention to your own advice. You didn't seem to be living by it in 2012. You received lots of advice from forum members and even I found some compassion to offer you some even though you were just as unpleasant then as you are now.

Perhaps you could be a bit more helpful and offer guidance based on how you resolved your own personal issues outlined below. Those who offered you some advice might also like to know the outcome.

I don't get a good morning, just a grimace and if I am lucky a scowl when he unlocks the door to let me in. This heathen has no manners. Within minutes he has found some totally insignificant thing to shout at me about, whether it is anything to do with me or not, or drag me into his office to threaten me that he will contact HR, cut my hours or replace me. And yet he doesn't cos he knows I am professional and do a good job and it would cost him a lot of time and money to train some one else which he has admitted to me, not complimenting me that I do a good job though. So his campaign of bullying and harassment against me continues. When he is not in work is half ok and when one of his two faced grass assistant managers is not there it borders on enjoyable. I would love to tell my boss where to stick his head where the sun doesn't shine, but until I get another job or win £148 million I am stuck. I try to keep out his way and when he does speak to me rants at me, bite my lip it almost bleeds, keeping what I have to say professional and to the absolute minimum. I was an enthusiastic motivated employee when I joined who achieved a lot quickly, but his management and that of his underlings have changed this so I can't wait to leave.

How do you get through the day if your boss is an a-hole?

I have stood up to him. A few months agohe drafted a document which I refused to sign in which he has claimed I threatened him (not physically) as when a customer wanted to place a large order my boss told me to tell the customer that his assistant manager who deals with group sales wasn't in and would contact the customer when they returned later in the day despite the customer wanting to place the order and pay there and then. The order was for several thousand pounds which is quite a lot for our business. The customer dissatisfied that the manager will not speak with them then contacted our head office to complain and I think my boss got it in the neck. He took this out on me. I was really quite scared. His face was white incandescent with rage. He came about 1 inch from my face telling me very menacingly "To be very careful what I said and did". As I say he drafted a document which is totally false and has kept it in my development file. He has also shown it to other colleagues as I became aware that his asst managers knew about it and a supervisor when it should be confidential. I now believe that my colleagues also know about it.

One morning I arrived at work,was let in, not by him and then when entering the rest room where we congregate before starting, was met not with "Hi, Good morning ......." but "WTF have YOU got in your bag?!!!!" My Brompton bag was quite full - a change of clothes and food. What a way to great your staff.

There are so many other incidents almost daily where he is having a go, a dig at me.

The guy is a complete a-hole.

I have considered this. There is likely to only be one outcome if I do this, even if the company did consider his conduct toward me was unsatisfactory then it would still probably mean end of job as they would take the view that the easiest option would be to get rid of me as I couldn't go on working at their site in Cambridge. A company can make up any excuse to get rid of an employee if they have been there less than 2 years. I would rather find a job to go to than be out of work looking for another role which would be very hard in the current climate.

Most of my colleagues are in their early - mid twenties, some are ok. The asst managers are mid twenties and my boss about 5 years younger than me. I am mid forties and have worked in very responsible positions through out my career and excellent qualifications. The role I am doing is well below my capabilities. The boss won't even give me the time to do it in addition to all the other responsibilities that I am expected to do that my colleagues also have to do. I do not receive any extra pay just grief. I even get blamed when things have gone badly wrong where I have had no input. When I try to explain this I am told to stop the "back chat". When I suggest improvements to their systems or how they can save money I am unceremoniously told off in front of colleagues. I can't believe how poor my boss and his management's people skills and manners are. When I was an area supervisor many years a go I never ever treated my staff as poorly, as rudely, as I am treated. If you treat people with courtesy, respect and dignity it will be reciprocated. When I ask for help or support dealing with an issue the boss screws up his face as if to say "WhyTF are you asking me!" The guy is a nightmare to work for and with. I can't do anything right for him even when I have clearly done well he will still find something to criticise me for, to undermine my confidence. The guy is a bully. But right now I need the job as the other option is no job.

Obviously I wouldn't wish others to be in a similar such situation to me but I was wondering what strategies others have used to get through their day where they have a bullying, domineering, arrogant, unhelpful, unsupportive, obstructive and unco-operative, rude, unpleasant boss?

Thanks for the replies so far.

Day off today, hence on here.

I believe you can only claim this when you have been employed for 2 years and you have to resign.

Contacting HR will formalise what I have experienced. Of course my boss will have his version of events and those of his two face grass asst manager. It might well precipitate my departure irrespective of how wrong this might be and how unjust this might feel to me.

If I find another job I will leave. The only thing that worries me is reference given that my boss is such an a-hole and has written this document which he has kept on my file and which is false and defamatory.

Thanks. It's very hard sometimes. Even when I stay late, making the company money, but I am not getting paid, I get grief, ranted at, told I am a disappointment. I am on tenter hooks the whole time, who is approaching me and what they might say. Some days I have ridden home in tears and I am in my forties! Not something I am proud to admit. He even had a go at me for re-cycling. I take all my rubbish from lunch - cans, cartons, plastic, home to re-cycle whilst everyone else chucks eveything and I mean everything in the general waste. I asked about re-cycling when I started but was told it was too expensive although the company has a re-cycling policy. One day the boss opened the fridge which was full of food, so he came ranting to me that he couldn't get his lunch out as "I was taking over the fridge". When he brought me to the fridge to move my food I told him that it was not my food. His face was incandescent with rage. He didn't apologise. He NEVER apologises or says please or thank you. Simple courtesies are beyond him.

Thanks to everyone for your replies even Vernon who is an insufferable ar5e. Only kidding, not .

I have been keeping a diary for some time as there have been quite a few incidents some of them very troubling which I don't wish to go into on here as they are of a very serious nature that could result in summary dismissal, things you are just not supposed to do or speak about at work. Sorry to be vague.

As regards union I have also considered this but many unions now make you sign a declaration on joining that they will not act for you with repect to incidents that occur prior to you joining which is a bit of a problem. In a previous job I was a member of the IPMS for 9 years. However when non union colleagues had a problem they joined the union and got full membership services and support which erked me no end as they were useless when I had an issue many many years ago that I needed support with. So on this basis I have not joined another union since. Tbh the union was frankly hopeless IMHO. Ok for accompanying one to a meeting, recording what was being said but beyond that a bit useless IME.

Back to the current situation, as regards colleagues, some are ok, but none are sufficiently experienced or I believe would have the necessary discretion should I approach them in confidence.

My aim is to find another job anyway, which is easier said than done, preferably a salaried job again with half decent money. This job could have been ok as the nature of the work and opportunities looked promising at the outset. But unfortunately I can't say too much about what I do or the industry as I am mindful of disclosing any identifying details which could cause difficulties.

Neither do I really want to go down the route of secretly filming or recording the individuals who are causing me grief as this opens yet another mine field should they discover me doing this. We do periodically have staff searches. We had one last week and the contents of my panniers brought much hilarity to my colleagues and ridicule and humiliation for me which I do not wish to repeat. Plus we are not allowed to have phones on us while we are working. In any case mine is very basic merely making calls.

I think I shall make some preliminary enquiries regarding the company's bullying and harassment policies and also the grievance procedure. However I am aware that once I initiate these my working environment could become extremely difficult, my hours cut drastically in retaliation as it will be obvious who has made the complaint or more seriously for me be out of a job. As it is, next week, I am only scheduled to work 17 hours which is totally ridiculous. I was promised at least 30 hours each week which I have struggled to secure the past few months. Newer staff who have started recently have been scheduled to work 35 - 40 hours. I am in danger of being sidelined for these new staff.

Thanks again for all the replies and advice.

Another guy makes his tea/coffee. The thought had crossed my mind .

Yesterday he pretty much ignored me save for one very short conversation when he was telling me how he wanted something to be done. He spoke to me like I was 4 years old. Fortunately he went home at 3pm. Right at the end of the day one of his asst managers made yet more homophobic remarks about wearing Lyrca or S P A N D E X as he takes pleasure in saying. But as days go not too bad. I kept my head down and stayed out of their way.

You obviously haven't read all this thread. You have completely got the wrong end of the stick. If you are suggesting, which I think you are from the tone of yout post, that the situation I now find myself in is of my own making then you are very wide of the mark. I suggest you go back and read it all. There is much I have not writ which is really rather upsetting. But maybe you have and you are just trying to be provocative, in which case if you are, do you think it is ok to bully your staff, to fly into a rage, to shout and swear at them, use offensive and derogatory, racist and homophobic language, to victimise and harrass them? Maybe you do think this is acceptable in which case this would put you in the bosses from hell category. You wouldn't agree that people should be treated with respect and dignity would you?

Btw the other newer people who are working more hours have fewer responsibilities and less experience. Go figure.

 

[classic33]

Easy said, even if I have £50k it means taking out a mortgage of poss £80k, couldn't afford it on my wage, that's if I even have one in April!

And if you split it now, what will you use?

 

[vernon]

Easy said, even if I have £50k it means taking out a mortgage of poss £80k, couldn't afford it on my wage, that's if I even have one in April!

Your wife might be able to buy her way out of the mortgage. It's an avenue worth exploring. Remember, she is walking away from the house and the relationship. Something similar happened to a colleague of mine. Her husband left her and their children - they were were still in primary school at the time. Her mortgage company gave her some breathing space to sort out her financial affairs during the peak angst time.

There's another task for you to add to the list.

• Contact your mortgage company and explain the situation. It's another action that gives you an element of control.

 

[vernon]

I don't want the capital, if I walk away with any substantial amount I will just give half each to my kids, after all it is their inheritance

Your children will get their inheritance when you die. You give them it now and they will have to pay tax on it. Meanwhile they are paying rent from the reduced capital that you have given them and you could be living in a bedsit. They won't thank you for it later. You really do have to seek some professional financial advice. You are not thinking straight.

 

[RWright]

Try to keep the house and rent out a room or something.

 

[classic33]

The last six months have been a period of "what will I do", all because of what someone else wanted to do to me.
I fought tooth & nail to keep what I have, that which makes me as someone on here said to me. I only got an early answer last week, because I refused to back down. Other than that, the end would have been the end of this month.
You have something that to you is worth fighting for. If you're not willing to fight for yourself, fight for what you believe is worth fighting for. In your case, your two sons.
Cancer took/removed any chance I had of getting what you have now, that you want to keep. Now's your chance to prove to yourself just how much you're willing to put into that fight.

 

[steveindenmark]

I have been through 2 divorces and felt like you do now.yes it does get better, much better. At the moment you are afraid of losing the familiar life you have built up over the years and so was I.

My life now is infinately better than it was when I was married. I wouldnt change my life now for anything. I have fought my ex wives in the courts, fought the CSA, fought the heartache. I walked out with a bag of clothes with a few quid in my pocket and struggled.

Being in the same house with your ex is the worst position you can be in, either get out or get her out. The biggest thing you need to understand is that she doesnt give a toss about you and possibly hasnt for years. Stop chasing her and smelling her things, its over and you should start being pleased its over.

I realised that I had lost myself and just melted into a couple. Finding myself again was great. It was an adventure.

It is the unknown that is dragging you down. How do you think single mums with 3 kids manage? Being by yourself is not difficult once you make the jump.

My 2 pieces of advice is leave the booze alone and dont let your wife call the shots. Go and see your lads by yourself and tell them what is happening, its not your fault.

She is setting you free and I promise you things will get much better once you get a grip.

 

[summerdays]

I'm not always brilliant with words so I hope I don't offend you. Firstly I'm sorry your wife wants out of the relationship, but someone pleading with her probably isn't going to make her stay. I suspect the son that is home must have guessed from seeing you two together or you looking at that bottle, so I would go ahead and tell him as he must be feeling a little confused or shut off from you at the moment.

Then you need fresh air, get out on the bike or the garden but get outside and do something!

Come Monday you need to have the day off work as you need to have time to start to see different people, to sort out Various bits. Have you sat down with her and discussed how she thinks it will be all split? And where is she intending to go? Please try to be strong and calm in discussions you have with her, I know easy to write but hard to put into practice.

I have two sets of friends that split last year, one fairly amicably (from the outside at least), and they still see each other when we are as a group. Both have moved on and started new lives. One of them joined a group for meeting people (just to be active and get out of the house), which always seems to have activities and walks going on. The other set is far from amicable and from the limited stuff I've seen you don't want to go down that route.

Thinking about you today and hoping you manage to take a step forward.