Give me some dialogue from your day

[colly]

Me: Hello.

Girls behind desk: Hi Colin.

I bring out small chrissy present of brandy filled chocolates and a card

Me: Merry christmas

Girls behind desk: Oh, thank you Colin, that's so kind.

Me: Well it isn't much but all you lot in here are so slim I thought it was time I did something about it.





It's a brownie point ploy

 

[MacB]

youngest son:- Dad, you know I love you

me:- go away

 

[Fnaar]

She: We need to talk.
He: erm....what about?
She: the stuff we didn't talk about yesterday.
He: erm... I don't remember

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Me to citizens advice lady..."Good morning"
Her.." Wow! we don't get many like you in here"

Okaaaay...

 

[lukesdad]

Me; will my parcel be here today?
Parcel force lady ; whats the postcode
Me; blah blah blah
Parcel force lady; nothing down for you today sir
Me; gives it the full rant
Parcel force lady; Im very sorry sir perhaps you might like to contact the sender for tracking No.
Me; Ah sorry that was the wrong postcode, shall we start again ?

 

[ComedyPilot]

Me to French agent: "Morning, can I help?"
Agent, "We need some screws for a customer's machine"
Me, "All machine screws are metric and readily available locally"
Agent, "We don't know the sizes"
Me, "Where on the machine are they used?"
Agent, "We don't know"
Me, "Have you asked the customer?"
Agent, "No"
Me, "Might it be an idea to ask them, as we use over 100 different size screws on an individual machine?"
Agent, "Can't you just send normal wear screws?"
Me, "I can send what I think would be needed, but surely the customer can tell you which part of the machine the screws are on that they actually need, you can tell me, and I can identify the sizes, and you can get them locally?"

The call went round in circles for another 5 minutes, then I told her to call me back once she'd identified the screws.

She didn't call..............?

 

[PBancroft]

Dad: I'm getting used to the catheter a bit more now, but the tube up my penis is really uncomfortable.

Me: Thanks dad.

 

[vernon]

Me: Well it isn't much but all you lot in here are so slim I thought it was time I did something about it.





It's a brownie point ploy

Had you not considered getting them pregnant a more pleasurable way of changing their slim status?

 

[colly]

Had you not considered getting them pregnant a more pleasurable way of changing their slim status?

I think about it constantly.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

youngest son:- Dad, you know I love you

me:- go away

Yeah, we've got some really sweet and affectionate kids at the moment too!

 

[Pigo]

Daughter (22 yrs old for godsake!) whilst studying the box of mince pies she was eating....
'How can these be suitable for vegetarians?? Are they Quorn ones or something??'

 

[Flying_Monkey]

At a party with more than a few musicians, this conversation had started off being about music, particularly English court music of the sixteenth century, but it's funny how conversations turn...

Very nice woman: I thought that he last castrato only died about 10 years ago?

Me: Would have been much further back than that, I would have thought. Still, I expect there are a few people around lacking their equipment...

Woman: But how would that even happen these days?

Me: I don't know, farm machinery?

Woman: Oh, come on!

Me: Well, people get very bored in the countryside...

Woman: But even so, with all those animals around... You'd chose animals over machinery though, wouldn't you?

Some other guy : Are you two really discussing whether bestiality or... machines are better?

Us: err...

Conversation moves on to discussing whether Catherine the Great of Russia really used to have stallions lowered onto her (she didn't...), the case of some poor chap witnessed having his way with a goat by a load of people on a train (he did...) and from there it only got worse! Nothing to do with me...

 

[ComedyPilot]

At a party ....................blah, blah........the case of some poor chap witnessed having his way with a goat by a load of people on a train....................

That happened near to Kingston Upon Hull, I remember the news reports at the time, when his solicitor used the fact that his client was gay as a defence - I kid you not (no pun intended)

 

[MacB]

Yeah, we've got some really sweet and affectionate kids at the moment too!

maybe I'll show them your avatar, that might put them off

 

[NormanD]

Me - (thinking aloud while watching the match on TV) I don't know whether to have that last slice of banana cheesecake or not
Son - I'd chose not if I were you
Me _ Why? do you think I'm getting too fat?
Son - No!; I've ate it!
Me -