Give me some dialogue from your day

[ColinJ]

Me: I've got stuff to do.
Me: One thing on the list should be: clean the kitchen floor.
Me: What's the point - at this time of year, with all the grit on the roads and pavements, one walk to the shops and it will be dirty again within 24 hours!
Me: You could always stand in the back yard and take your boots off before coming in?
Me: Blow that for a game of soldiers - it's too cold and wet out there!
Me: You've convinced me - clean it another time!

 

[Archie_tect]

Mrs A_T: Has he [son] gone to training?
Me: No, it's stopped now, but it was earlier.
Mrs A_T: What?

 

[Crackle]

Woman: What's his name?
me: name
Woman: Is he named after the singer or the film?
Me: Neither

 

[TVC]

Carol Kirkwood on the news this morning: 'With the rain falling on frozen roads there is a chance of black ice'
Me: 'Thanks Carol'

(cut to 10 minutes later)

Me, lying on my back just outside my front door: 'F*** my shoulder hurts'

 

[Thomk]

Carol Kirkwood on the news this morning: 'With the rain falling on frozen roads there is a chance of black ice'
Me: 'Thanks Carol'

(cut to 10 minutes later)

Me, lying on my back just outside my front door: 'F*** my shoulder hurts'

Me this morning - Can I have a look
Doctor - It's just there, that dark smudge
Me - Doesn't look much
Doctor - I've seen worse but most are much better
Me - How long will it take to heal
Doctor - We'll know better in a couple of weeks. I'll make an apointment for you at the fracture clinic and they'll be able to give you more information then
Me - Thanks

 

[ufkacbln]

My Niece is a lovely and very sensible (but serious) 7 year old, we got a phone call on Sunday morning

N. " I've got to tell you how irresponsible my parents are"

Me "What's happened"

N. "Well they went out last night and got drunk, when they came back they were making noises and mummy was being sick in the toilet"

Me " Oh dear that doesn't sound good"

N. "... and when I told her to be quiet because she had woken us up she used the F word"

Me "That isn't good- what did Daddy say to that"

N. "Nothing, because he was downstairs trying to kiss the babysitter"

Me "Does Mummy know that yet?"

N. "No I 'm going to tell them both off at breakfast"

I would love to have been a fly on the wall for that!

 

[Arch]

Colleague: Hang on, it's stuck, I'll try coming in at a different angle
Me: Yeah sorry, it slipped out of my grasp.
<a while, and some sniggering, later>
Me: Will you stay down and pull, and I'll get on top?
Colleague: Yeah, ok....

We were actually manhandling a trolley of builders' sacks full of paper to the winch to get them into the skip.

 

[Archie_tect]

Colleague: Hang on, it's stuck, I'll try coming in at a different angle
Me: Yeah sorry, it slipped out of my grasp.
<a while, and some sniggering, later>
Me: Will you stay down and pull, and I'll get on top?
Colleague: Yeah, ok....

We were actually manhandling a trolley of builders' sacks full of paper to the winch to get them into the skip.

Of course you were Arch... obviously.

 

[slowmotion]

Me: We really would like 1400 widget type A and 1105 widgets type B dispatched before Christmas.
Robin: OK, we can do this.Let's try a credit card order rather than a cheque on a proforma
Me: Fine. BTW, can you send them out by 21st December.
Robin: I'll check stock. We should have them in stock on January 12th..

 

[mickle]

Me: 'Do you want me to drill those biscuits?'

 

[tyred]

From an interaction (rare for me tbh) with a Renault van driver last night.

VD: You stupid bastard, you nearly caused a farking accident
Me: How?
VD: You made me pass you and I nearly hit the farking car coming the other way.
Me: I didn't make you do anything. You nearly caused an accident by overtaking when it wasn't safe and then by cutting me up and almost knocking me off.
VD: You shouldn't be on the farking road. Cyclists cause all the farking accidents.
Me: So cyclists kill about 400 people a year on this small island? I didn't know that!
VD: You have no farking right to be on the road. I'm paying insurance. If I'd hit that car by having to overtake you, it would have cost me money. You don't even have farking insurance.
Me: Absolutely, because you would have caused an avoidable collision. There is a reason why you need to pay insurance on that van, it has the potential to cause a lot damage. My bike doesn't.
VD: No it's farking you who carries all the farking risk.
Me: Are you really so stupid to believe that.
VD: You have no right to be on the farking road.
Me: Is your journey more important than mine?
VD: Yes, because I pay a farking fortune to make this journey.
Me: It's your choice to use an expensive form of transport. You should get a bike.
VD: You're a farking danger. I have to MOT my van to prove it's roadworthy. You don't even have farking lights.
Me: (Pointing to my three tail lights and reflectors) What are these called?
VD: They're no farking good. Mine are designed to meet transport regulations, yours aren't.
Me: At least one of these meets the German transport regulations and is therefore legal throughout the EU. As does my headlamp. Can I also point out that one of your tail lights isn't working.
VD: I have to have my brakes tested every farking year, you probably don't even have brakes.
Me: - demonstrates working brakes back and front
VD: Your bike doesn't have any gears.
Me: Yes, it's fixed gear.
VD: It's dangerous to ride a bike with no farking gears.
Me: Why?
VD: Because you go too farking slow without gears.
Me: Not really much difference in normal riding. And I bet it's faster than your van through a town centre.
VD: I'm going to farking report you.
Me: What for?
VD: For riding a farking bike on a public road. It's farking illegal.
Me: I think you need to read the rules of the road.
VD: I farking know the rules of the road. I passed a farking driving test.
Me: So have I. Your point being?

This went on for some considerable length of time until he eventually told me to fark off and drove off.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Neighbour via text: " Turn down your studio I can't sleep"
Me. " Witch..it's only on 2 ffs"

 

[Dzzi]

...a conversation i had with my mother in law at her birthday meal on Sunday...she had been given an ipod for her Birthday and we were chatting about music...
Her: "It's gone well in the end for that Amy Winehouse...."
Me: "well yes apart from her being dead obviously..."
Her: "....you know what i mean"
Me:..........................................................

 

[Dzzi]

...a conversation had with my wife after i showed her the "Fenton" clip on youtube...(you need to see it to understand, most of you will have by now) but if you havent type "Jesus Christ in Richmond Park" into youtube.

....Clip finishes
Her: "So are they his deer then"
Me: "is that a f...g serious question"
Her: "yes..."
Me: "i'm not talking to you anymore!"

 

[fossyant]

From an interaction (rare for me tbh) with a Renault van driver last night.

VD: You stupid bastard, you nearly caused a ****ing accident
Me: F-Off you Fat Git !

There edited for you. ! See, saved you, me and the rest of us 5 minutes !