Give me some dialogue from your day

[Arch]

I walk into work, for a meeting. There's a Small Local Scrote sitting in the corner, having a drink of water. I've literally just walked through the door when:

SLS: Do you cycle all the time?
Me: No, sometimes I sleep and sometimes I walk.
SLS: Why have you got a cycle hat?
Me: What cycle hat? (I'm wearing a fleece beanie, with a little bike embroidered on it)
SLS: That hat, it's got a bike on it.
Me: Oh! Yes, well, I like bikes.
SLS: (Turning to volunteer sitting next to him eating packed lunch, peeling a boiled egg) Why are you taking that off?
Vol: Because I want to eat the egg.
SLS: I eat the shell.
Vol: You're the first person I've met who does that.
SLS: Why would you bring an egg for lunch?
Vol: I like eggs, and it's good for energy.
SLS: What if you don't want energy?
Boss, passing by: You do ask a lot of daft questions don't you?

Apparently, he'd been hanging around and 'helping' the conservation volunteers all afternoon. They'd started to discuss throwing him in the pond...

 

[palinurus]

A scientist visited work to deliver a presentation. So after we take him to the canteen and he's asking questions about what sort of people we have in the department- a few of us studied chemistry, a couple physics, environmental science, materials science- various things. One of the managers said that we don't tend to employ chemists in particular, any science degree is OK if we think the candidate will fit in.

Visitor points his fork in my direction and says "you're here because of your personality"

About the only funny thing anyone's said at work for years.

It's particularly funny if you happen to know that I'm an peanut.

 

[Night Train]

Female friend: NT (she called my real name)! What's that? [indicates something by the drain in the front garden]
Me: Hmmm, not sure, I'll just move the brick and have a look. [moves brick]
FF: Eek! What is it?
Me: Toad? Frog? Hmmm frog, definately a frog, though bigger then I've seen for a while. Usually it's toads at that size.
FF: I never though I'd be squeamish about things like that, having not seen one live before, but I am!
Me: Would you like me to do something with it?
FF: Well, there is a bit of a pond in the back garden.
Me: OK, I'll bring it over. [to frog] Come on little one, it's ok, not going to hurt you. Stop trying to hide! Let go of the drain pipe. That's it, safe now. Stop fidgeting, it tickles! Come on, you can have your own little pond to play in now.
FF: Are you talking to the frog?
Me: Yes.

I put the frog down at the edge of the tiny pond and it then jumped off and head butted a pebble as it landed!

 

[laurence]

yesterday i shipped up at the wetland centre early with girlski... saw one of the guys opening the gates and asked if he needed a hand as they had a birds of prey exhibit in and they would be setting up.
the van full of birds drove in...

man: can you hold the barn owl for a bit while i set up?
me: ok
*dons the glove and the owl is placed on my hand and the jessy threaded through my fingers and tied on*

3 1/2 hours later...

me: i have to go now
man: ok, thanks for holding the owl

people thought i was part of the falconry place, luckily i knew enough about owls to bluff most of it. also lucky the owl calmed down halfway through the morning and even had a doze on my hand. best bit was watching 2 bearded tits in the reeds outside with the owl on my hand.

 

[Arch]

yesterday i shipped up at the wetland centre early with girlski... saw one of the guys opening the gates and asked if he needed a hand as they had a birds of prey exhibit in and they would be setting up.
the van full of birds drove in...

man: can you hold the barn owl for a bit while i set up?
me: ok
*dons the glove and the owl is placed on my hand and the jessy threaded through my fingers and tied on*

3 1/2 hours later...

me: i have to go now
man: ok, thanks for holding the owl

people thought i was part of the falconry place, luckily i knew enough about owls to bluff most of it. also lucky the owl calmed down halfway through the morning and even had a doze on my hand. best bit was watching 2 bearded tits in the reeds outside with the owl on my hand.

So, Laurence, what did you do today.
I accidentally held an owl for three hours...

Classic!

 

[Crackle]

yesterday i shipped up at the wetland centre early with girlski... saw one of the guys opening the gates and asked if he needed a hand as they had a birds of prey exhibit in and they would be setting up.
the van full of birds drove in...

man: can you hold the barn owl for a bit while i set up?
me: ok
*dons the glove and the owl is placed on my hand and the jessy threaded through my fingers and tied on*

3 1/2 hours later...

me: i have to go now
man: ok, thanks for holding the owl

people thought i was part of the falconry place, luckily i knew enough about owls to bluff most of it. also lucky the owl calmed down halfway through the morning and even had a doze on my hand. best bit was watching 2 bearded tits in the reeds outside with the owl on my hand.

Sounds like a hoot

 

[laurence]

So, Laurence, what did you do today.
I accidentally held an owl for three hours...

Classic!

here is Pickles... not being held by me...

 

[perplexed]

Whilst riding home a few days ago, I heard this exchange on the pavement as I passed:

Girl: (screaming in scroaty boyfriend's face): "I &%$^*Ing hate you, you b£$"!^&d!"

Boy: "But I..."

Girl: "I didn't f*&^Bng do it!"

Boy: "You..."

Girl: "I swear on my dead mother's life!"

 

[Andrew_Culture]

Our company website has a chat function, which leads to discussion such as this:

(21:38:22) Andrew Hello, thank you for visiting. Can I help you in any way?
(21:38:22) Visitor looking for stone cutting machine
(21:38:39) Visitor will it be available
(21:38:50) Andrew Sorry, we do not make stone cutting machines
(21:39:15) Visitor bt are you aware of it ?
(21:39:34) Andrew I am aware that machines for cutting stone exist
(21:39:57) Visitor how can u help on that issue plz
(21:40:29) Andrew To be clear, are you trying to cut through rock / stone?
(21:41:09) Visitor exactly to make building blocks
(21:41:59) Andrew I can not help you, our machines do not cut stone.

 

[gbb]

A discussion with a guy i usually get on with, but he's displaying some bone idle tendencies lately..
Me...'where's your jerry can Rafi, i'm going (reluctantly) to the garage for some diesel (for his pressure washer)'
Rafi..'its in the shed'
Me..'No, its not there'
Rafi..'maybe its over the road (in the other buildings)'
Me..'it may be Rafi, but i'm not hunting all over the place for it, i've got a little spare time, if you've got the can', i'll fill it, but i'm not getting involved in hunting it all down '
Rafi..'if you call Jamie, perhaps he's got it over there (the other building)'
Me... 'no. i'm not here to run around after everyone Rafi, it'll have to wait for another day then'

That was yesterday afternoon. Its his can, its his pressure washer, he wants the diesel...the least he can do is prepare or find a can to put it in. But no...he's obviously not that bothered, he's still not even looked for it, so he's going to be washing bins with cold water. Lazy barsteward, if he can't be bothered....i certainly won't be.

 

[KEEF]

More lateral thinking from Joshua aged 5... Granddad build a tunnel so I built a tunnel from cardboard boxes which went from front bedroom along hallway to back bedroom. Along he went when he got to the end of it I shouted down the tunnel as if it was miles long ..... where does it lead to Josh is it another world...Josh replies No Granddad..............it leads to the other bedroom. Is it me?

 

[Theseus]

We have staying with us an exchange student from the north of Sweden, near where they build the Ice Hotel
This week we also have one of the SIL's and her granddaughter who is 6.

At tea last night:
[SwedishStudent]: I used to work for Santa
[GrandNiece]:<jaw drops to floor and stunned to silence>

 

[Herr-B]

Stepdaughter (reading a book) - What does self-righteous mean, mummy?
Wife - It's when someone always thinks they're right.
Stepdaughter - Like you, mummy?

 

[Scoosh]

20-yr old Miss Scoosh was on a uni exchange year in Northern Sweden last year and went on the trip to see Santa. Various delays meant that time was a bit short for seeing Himself, so Miss Scoosh was not averse to saying to all the little 5-yo's waiting patiently in line "I've been waiting 20 years for this, get out of my way could you please let me go first ?"

We have the photo to prove the meeting too !

 

[Sandra6]

Me - mmm you smell nice.
slightly embarrassed male customer - er, thank you