Let's have a chuckle-: your favourite limericks please!

[betty swollocks]

I love limericks me: they can be so deliciously bawdy and yet at the same time, so entirely innocent.

Some favourites of mine:-

There was a young lady named Ransome,
Who was ravished three times in a hansom.
As she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor groaned.
"Lady, the name's Simpson not Samson!"

There was a young man called Denzil
Whose dick was as sharp as a pencil.
It went through an actress
Two sheets and a mattress
And shattered a bedroom utensil.

There once was plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Someone's coming."
Said the plumber still plumbing,
"That's not someone coming, it's me!"

There once was a lady of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins
Her breasts in white satins
Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir

Other contributions please!

 

[tdr1nka]

There was an old man from Devises,
Who's b*lls were both different sizes.
One was quite small and did nothing at all,
And the other was large and won prizes.

 

[red_tom]

The was a young man from Madras,
Who's b*lls were made of brass.
In windy weather,
They clanged together
and sparks shot up his a*se.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

There was a young lady from Gloster
My God we thought we had lost her
We found in the grass
The imprint of her ass
And the knees of the man that had crossed her

 

[Horace Goes Skiing]

There was a young lady called Jill
Who tried dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

 

[TVC]

There was a young man from Dunglass
Who had two balls made of brass
In windy weather
They'd knock together
And sparks would shoot out of his arse

 

[catwoman]

There was a young woman from Ealing
who thought she had no sexual feeling.
A man called Maurice
touched her clitoris
and she fractured her skull on the ceiling.

 

[Tim Bennet.]

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear
And said; you can't swim here it's private.

 

[EmGee DK]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin, He said with a grin,
"If my ear were a c**t, I could f*ck it."

 

[Dayvo]

Amazing what you can still remember from your youth!

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Tufts of grass
Grew out of his arse
And his balls were full of weeds

There was a young man from Newcastle
Who did a shoot in a parcel
He sent it to Spain
To explain
That he had a very big peanut

There was a young man from Poole
Who had a red ring round his tool
He went to the clinic
The doctor a cynic
Said, it's only lipstick, you fool

 

[graham56]

There was a woman from the vale of Eden
Who was put in the nick for speeding
She lay on her back
Opened her cr*ck
And pi$$ed all over the ceiling

 

[Maz]

Not quite a limerick but...

There was a man from Huddersfield
Who had a cow that wouldn't yield
The reason why it didn't yield?
It didn't like its udders feeled!

 

[TVC]

Also not a limerick, but my favorite Spike Milligan:

A rather brash young lady pig,
(they say she was a smasher),
got run over by a van,
and now she's a gammon rasher.

 

[Baggy]

There was a young lady from Spain
Who took off her bra on a train
A naughty young porter
Saw more than he oughta
And said to her "do that again"

 

[tdr1nka]

There was a young man from Dundee,
Who got stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said 'Not a bit,
It can do it again if it likes!'