Memorable Farts......yours or by others.

[wakemalcolm]

I remember the sales manager at my old work let rip just as he was leaving a lift full of directors. He then ran up the stairs, called the lift and stood there smiling asking: did you enjoy that then? as the doors opened.

 

[captain nemo1701]

My mum once told me that dads farts wore slippers...You can't hear them coming but you really know when they arrive!.

 

[captain nemo1701]

The first time I saw that I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. 😂

Jasper Carrot Live in Drury lane, 1970's. Extra bit recorded for vinyl after the main TV show was all about lighting farts...'I was eating beans for a week'... . I saw a mate do it and he nearly singed his somewhat tatty frayed jeans. Oh, how we larfed.....

 

[wakemalcolm]

I'll tell you a story that's certain to please
of a grand farting contest at Stockton on tees
Where all the best arses parade in a field
to take part in a contest for various shields.

Some tuned their arses to fart up the scale
to strive for a cup or a barrell of ale
while women whose arses were biggest and strongest
competed in contests for loudest and longest

They say old mrs jones had a perfect backside
with a bunch of red hairs and a wart on each side
some fancied her chances of winning with ease
having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

Old mrs potluck was backed for a place
she had often been caught in the deepest disgrace
for shocking the vicar, old Marmaduke Morgan
her farting in church made more noise than the organ.

The contestants lined up for the signal to start
Mrs jones won the toss and was given first fart
The crowd was astonished to silence and wonder
how that goofy old bird gave off such a thunder

Next mrs potluck just came to the front
and startled the crowd with a wonderful stunt
With her wide parted cheeks and tightly clenched hands
She blew off the roof of the newly built stands

The Vicar poor sod, got a terrible fright
The force of the fart set his peanut alight
It demolished the band and melted the trumpet
Burnt mrs jones drawers off and toasted her crumpet.

Mrs Mcleod simply sniggered at this
She lapped up some beer and was all wind and piss
with her hands on her hips and her legs parted wide
She suddenly **** and was dis-qualified.

Then Mrs Pugh arrived amidst a hail of applause
and promptly proceeded to pull down her drawers
For though her folks thought her chances were small
She took the first prize by out farting them all

She walked to the pavillion with maidenly gait
and received from the vicar a set of gold plate
She turned to the crowd who had started to sing
while she farted the first verse of "God save the King"

 

[Cavalol]

Went to the races many years ago. Got absolutely and utterly hammered. Sat on the front of the bus, next to the pole behind the driver, and was clinging for dear life to it (pole, not driver) and I think mumbling to myself. Still managed to fall on the floor a few times and I don't think it amused the other passengers. After a few minutes, someone farted and it absolutely stunk the bus out and I'm surprised it didn't crack the windows and melt the seats. It actually genuinely wasn't me, but when I looked round I was getting proper death stares from everyone.

 

[Gunk]

Six pages of this, really?

 

[wakemalcolm]

Six pages of this, really?

I think we should be able to trump that.

 

[Drago]

Six pages of this, really?

Yep, 6 pages of utter guff.

 

[Webbo2]

I’m sure we can pump out a few more posts.

 

[Drago]

We might make 7 pages at a squeak.

 

[Stevo 666]

This is all a load of hot air.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Six pages of this, really?

The problem with farts is that they expand till they fill the known universe.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Yep, 6 pages of utter guff.

A mate who had bad guts on our annual Alps trip reckoned there was such a thing as HAGE - High Altitude Guff Explosion. Strangely it only seemed to affect him.

 

[DRM]

This load of old guff reminded me of this that, iirc was sung at junior school, around the early 1970's, to the tune of Mademoiselle of Armentieres, I suppose it was probably taught to the kids by a rather naughty Grandad/Great Grandad who had sung it in WW1


There was an old woman of 92 parlez vous.
There was an old woman of 92 parlez vous.
There was an old woman of 92,
Made a fart that missed the loo,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down the street,
Knocked the copper of his feet,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
The copper got out his rusty gun parlez vous.
The copper got out his rusty gun parlez vous.
The copper got out his rusty gun,
Shot the old woman up the bum,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
Leeds United playing at home parlez vous.
Leeds United playing at home parlez vous.
Leeds United playing at home,
Kicked the fart from here to Rome,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
Julius Caeser drinking wine parlez vous.
Julius Caeser drinking wine parlez vous.
Julius ceaser drinking wine,
Swallowed the fart the dirty swine,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down his spine parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down his spine parlez vous.
The fart went rolling down his spine,
Knocked his bollocks out of line,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Mars parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Mars parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Mars,
Knocked the Martian on his arse,
Inky pinky parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Venus parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Venus parlez vous.
The fart went shooting off to Venus,
Knocked the Martian on his penis
Inky pinky parlez vous.I'll get me coat

 

[briantrumpet]

Someone should start a band called 'Memorable Farts'. Not sure if it should be rock, pop, jazz, or folk, or other.