A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend of a few months invited me and my 9 year old son to her friend’s house for a birthday BBQ. I’d met the host and her boyfriend once before – we’d been out for a double date dinner – but the rest of the bunch were complete strangers.
I’d tried to arrive a little late to ensure that the GF would be there when I arrived but she’d gone to fetch her sister and a table or something and we ended up having to venture in alone.
While the host couple found time for a brief chat and some introductions, they were obviously busy hosting and couldn’t babysit me. I grabbed a beer and made my way over to a table in the garden where most were congregated, said some hellos and tried to pull up a chair. Not one of them made any attempt to engage me after the initial greeting, nor did they open up the circle of chairs to allow me to integrate, instead I ended up sat on the periphery feeling very much the odd one out. After a very long minute or so of feeling very awkward I made my way over to the host and made some small talk with him about golf and cycling while he BBQ’d until the GF arrived.
In complete contrast, my son had immediately gone over to the group of boys of varying ages, I think his awkward silence lasted for about 3 seconds until he showed them his water pistol and one of them asked him about playstations or trampolines or something, and then I barely saw him for the rest of the night while he tore around the place causing mischief with his new mates (ruining his socks in the process).
I don’t have aspergers, I consider myself to be generally a sociable person, but I must admit I did analyse the start of the evening wondering why it was so easy for children to bond and so difficult for some adults.
I think my conclusion was common ground. Kids tend to like similar things and form their opinions in a very simplistic manner at that age. They’re also not complicated by cliques and politics in quite the same way that us old ‘uns are. Plus, everyone likes a water pistol.
Also, from the other side, it can be just as difficult for someone on the inside to reach out to someone who looks like they’re feeling awkward or uncomfortable – even though we probably all like to think that we’d be that person, in that sort of informal gathering maybe they were just waiting for someone else to make the first move.
I have an inner squirminess when I see someone who I think feels uncomfortable. Maybe 6 times out of 10 it persuades me to do something about it.
I have a good friend who is naturally bursting with witty banter, jokes and talking points, and physically can’t help himself from making sure that everyone feels included in any sort of situation. His inner squirminess will persuade him to intervene 10 out of 10 times.
I have another pal who pretty much couldn’t give two hoots about how anyone unconnected to him is feeling, or what anyone else thinks about him as long as he’s ok. He doesn’t get that inner squirminess, or if he does he’s very good at ignoring it.
Both are fantastic mates, but polar opposites. They’re both good people, they just have different social strengths.
On the whole though, you can’t expect someone to make an effort with you unless you’re also making an effort with them. Common ground shouldn’t be hard to find when you’re a cyclist amongst a group of cyclists. Having something to say or show or share to break the ice with is what it’s all about. If you make an effort and get nothing in return then they’re not worth making the effort for, but I’d be very surprised if on the whole, you dangle a carrot and don’t get a bite.
So next time you find yourself in that sort of situation, be prepared to engage, have some questions to ask, like so many have suggested – be willing to get a round in, and also perhaps take a water pistol and a spare pair of socks.
