Archie has fitted a ship's horn to his bike. I might weigh an absolute TON, but it helps in combating motons and scaring other cyclists who are about to nick the lamp post he was about to tie the bike to whilst he goes into his local Spar to get plenty of crusty things to eat.
Nobody who knows him does anything to annoy him as they know that he'll burst their ear drums with a toot from his horn.
He doesn't understand the general reaction from people though as it needs to be pointed out that Archie is completely deaf after sustaining serious injuries in a freak accident whilst competing in the Extreme Knitting World Championships at Horgabost. He genuinely has no idea of the damage he's doing with his oversized 'novelty' horn which he is led to beleive plays the sound of Swiss cows in a field, bells clanking along with much Mooing. At least, that's what the very happy door to door salesman told him when he bought it.
Similarly, nobody ever rings his door bell any more. Not after one of his poor neighbours discovered one morning that it is actually a fog horn.
Archie thinks it plays the tune from Big Ben whilst his neighbour entered the Guinness Book of Records for jumping vertically into the air to a record height.
It wouldn't have been so bad, but they were 86, and have never quite been the same since. Nontheless, Team GB are interested in signing them up for the High Jump competition at the Olympics.