True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

The government have U turned on the forthcoming business rate rise for pubs.

Thr Prime Minister denied it had anything to do with his evening dinner meeting with Ross Kemp and the severed horses head found in his bed the following morning.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross uses Chuck Norris to hold his pint.

 

[Drago]

When Ross Kemp asked Chuck Norris to model wedding dresses for Sharon the ageing martial arts master felt he had no choice and quickly agreed.

This is wise, as last time Norris forgot to cut Ross Kemp's grass and wax his Jag the East End hard man nutted him and made him wear a T shirt proclaiming him to be a "ponce."

 

[Drago]

It is not the US seizing sanction-busting oil tankers the world over.

The price of filling the Jag has become so expensive that Ross Kemp has taken to storming oil tankers on his own and seizing 500,000 tonnes of SUV juice, about 3 days XJ6 motoring, at a time,

Donald Trump, fearful of the backlash from an angry Ross Kemp, reluctantly agreed to allow US forces to take the credit.

 

[Drago]

It is quite common for male Silverback gorilla's to intimidate mating rivals by wearing a Ross Kemp mask.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross has been recruited to give the Artemis rocket a boost to get into space.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp has been stocking up on barbed wire & tank traps for his timeshare property in Greenland

 

[Drago]

In Tehran today hundreds of thousands of Ross Kemp fans are demanding the regime reinstate EastEnders to the schedule.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

@SpokeyDokey whenever Ross Kemp uses Morse Code (he's a huge fan and is part of a group of fellow enthusiasts), he communicates solely with the letter 'K'.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp has been called in, to clear the snow from snake pass. Unfortunately Ross went in the Ladybower Inn for a pint, and is still sinking a few.

 

[Drago]

While undertaking renovations at the Queen Vice Ross Kemp claims to have discovered a script for the failed long lost Shakespeare play, The Two Ponces of Verona. Guy Ritchie is rumoured to be bidding for the film rights.

 

[DRM]

In a meeting with oil executives yesterday, His Orangeness The Clown Prince of America, randomly stood up after being passed a note by Marco Rubio, to look out of the window to admire the footings for his new ballroom, only to see a shaven headed man in a leather jacket, loading pallets of bricks, along with dumpy bags of sand & cement onto a fleet of trucks, this is what happens when you try to get out of paying Kemp's Building Supplies (Walford, Paris, Washington D.C) Ltd, they are now being exported to Greenland in order to build a large Viking Langhus, so that he can run it as a community centre, there will be bingo on Tuesday nights, Scouts on Wednesday nights, pilates & spin classes Thursday, Friday & Saturdays it's a pub (The Queen Vice (Greenland) PLC.

 

[Drago]

Donald Trump is building the new ballroom because the lack of new flyovers in the UK has deprived Ross Kemp of anywhere to deposit the bodies of his enemies. The construction phase is expected to have the capacity for 30 dead gangsters, traffic wardens, and presidents who have displeased the East End hard man.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross also claims to have found the lost Shakespeare script for Rodney and Julie. It’s starts will Julie telling Rodney he’s not the father.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/clynd715rvzo
Ross Kemp has decided to have a more economical winter holiday, he has forsaken Val D'Isere for Coalville, it also means he can stop for Fish & Chips rather than "that Poncey foreign muck"