True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

Ross Kemp doesn't like that "poncey cod rubbish" and insists upon fresh shark with his chips. If supplies at the chippy are low hes been known to leap into the Walford canal with a knife clenched in his teeth and catch a shark himself.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp puts rust on his chips. Usually he gets it from bikes in the canal when catching sharks.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckgyj2g8dlxo
Ross Kemp was back lorry driving today, as he was on his way to The Pie Hall, in Denby Dale, West Yorkshire, to film his latest documentary where he had blagged assistance from Gordon Ramsey, Gino D'Acampo, Jamie Oliver & top Yorkshire Chef James Martin, in order to bake the worlds largest Steak & Kidney Pie, once again disaster struck between junctions 21 & 21A of the northbound M1, when the load of Steak Chunks, Kidney, Gravy & a top secret selection of herbs & spices was accidentally released onto the Motorway, in a statement to Police, Ross Kemp blamed " Those four useless ponces" for not securing the load properly, and they said that they had a forklift licence, which clearly they hadn't, as the ingredients were in the trailer in a heap, he said they just had a massive row about driving the forklift, then got in the production mini bus to head north, a police spokesman said that the M1 looked like it had been trampled on by a herd of T-Rex with dysentry!

 

[Drago]

Not a good day for Ross Kemp.

He had been planning to switch breweries for the Queen Vice from Churchill Breweries to a new upstart, Deform Brewing Inc.

He had been in advanced talks with Deform when the CEO of Churchill, Kenny Bad-Enoch, got wind of if and in and in a fit of fury cancelled the Queen Vice contract.

Kemp has been reduced to selling Guinness in the pub, which is as popular in Walford as Eric Pickles eating a KFC family bucket at a Slimming World meeting.

 

[DRM]

Reports of last nights aurora have been used to disguise the fact that Ross Kemp has recently been taking test flights in his home built space shuttle, the red and green lights are from the re-entry flames of his methane powered space craft powered by pickled eggs, and vindaloo curry from the Queen Vice's kitchens

 

[Ming the Merciless]

There’s been been a sharp rise in hospital admissions. Many are trying to copy the Ross Kemp couch to 5,000 kg workouts. Ross has yet to respond to a request for comment.

 

[Drago]

Donald Trump, who lives in fear of Ross Kemp, has exempted all of Walford within a 20 metre radius of the Queen Vice for the forthcoming tariffs.

President Macron was incensed at this and gobbed off on X, causing Ross Kemp to nip across and give hi, two black eyes forcing Macron to wear sunglasses when addressing the, media at Davos.

 

[Drago]

En route to Davos overnight and Air Force One was airborne when the President was informed Ross Kemp was at Davos waiting for him, wearing his tightest leather jacket and wielding a pair of knuckledusters.

This news necessitated a hasty return to the US for a change of presidential underwear, and a change to the alternate aircraft while the original one was scraped and fumigated.

 

[Drago]

President Trump has infuriated Ross Kemp by telling world leaders at Davos that they'd all be speaking cockney if it weren't for America.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross has called Trump an Alphonse

 

[Drago]

President Trump has once again dropped a major clanger, this time denigrating Ross Kemp's role in Afghanistan.

Kemp, who had his leather jacket blown off in an IED explosion, ismrightly furious and is demanding an apology from the geriatric leader.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2ygrn24w4o
Ross Kemp has been working tirelessly to protect wild birds in Wiltshire, using his drone flying skills, he can spot breeding pairs who build nests in dangerous places, then he goes and collects the birds and their eggs, and hand rears the chicks, before returning them to the wild, in a statement to the BBC, Ross said "We have to help them as they choose to nest in long grass & vegetation, they think it's safe, but it isn't, they really are quite thick" when pressed on this he went on to say "It's true, they really are stupid Bustards" David Attenborough, when asked if Ross Kemp was out of order, said "I standby Mr Kemps sentiments, I've said for decades that in the avian world, these birds are the most stupid Bustards that ever built a nest"

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has declared he is to step down as mayor of Walford in order to run as MP for Bath and Wells.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross Kemp has declared he is to step down as mayor of Walford in order to run as MP for Bath and Wells.

Well, that was the plan, until Dirty Den intervened and blocked the move, citing the expense of holding another Walford mayoral election. Those votes won't buy themselves he says.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross is pissed about veterans being disrespected